Screen/phone addiction - feel like my children’s childhoods are being ‘lost’

[Mumofteen77]

I know the title sounds a bit dramatic but I just feel increasingly sad. DD, 13 years old, is absolutely glued to her phone so much of the time. I try and do all the ‘right’ things..suggesting other things to do, making sure I’m not on mine all the time, making sure she can get involved in hobbies but she isn’t really interested in anything else anymore and permanently has her phone in her hand. It saddens and worries me so much. I know I could take it away and be more heavy-handed but to me that doesn’t really solve anything.

They’re growing up in a different world where their brains are going to be totally dependent on tech. Hardly anyone (including adults, and I include myself in this) seems to have much of an attention span to even read a book or watch tv anymore without swiping and scrolling.

DS is 9 and absolutely obsessed with the Xbox. I feel that every family activity we do is kind of enjoyed but also just kind of tolerated until it’s time to come home for more screen time.

I wish our lives weren’t all dictated by screens anymore. There’s so much else in the world to be enjoyed but it increasingly feels like all our brains need their fix from these little black screens, to the extent that everything else pales in comparison these days.

I could have written your post OP. I feel the same, my children are slightly younger though.

I’ve had some success putting a timer socket on the router so the WiFi is on for certain times in the day. When it’s off they have to find something else to do. It’s stopped me having to police them and the resulting moaning when I ask them to come off.

YANBU at all - I completely agree OP. It's really depressing.

These aren’t normal times. And maybe screen time is something “secure” & “predictable” for them. I was obsessed with tech & phones as a teen - my home life wasn’t stable but gaming was. I think this “Coronavirus time” is similar to that.

Can you get your DD involved in a DIY project at all? Upcycling? (Trying to think of something mature) What about planting the driving lesson seed. Can you afford one of those young teen driving lessons on a track? My mum paid for me and it changed my life.

I went from being lazy & bored. To feeling freedom & ambition overnight! Only took one lesson too....

DS 9 - If he’s into tech then at least get him into coding. Apps are available for that age group Or Raspberry Pi?

We put a limit on the phone- after 3.5 hrs it simply times out. My dds are 15 and 13 and they hate it. But they accept it is that or have no phone. So they intersperse their days with other stuff (instrument practice, art, exercise etc) to eeek it out all day. They do watch tv on top of this and we have been much more relaxed since lockdown aboht that. I hve just accepted it is the way it is for now...

I’ve had to be quite strict with tech use with my dcs as they’d get over emotional and aggressive over games.
They’re used to limits and I’m glad they’ve stuck with them, even in lockdown.
Without that, I’m pretty sure my dcs would do nothing else.

Thanks all. Some really good points/ideas raised here. I feel like I need to be a bit tougher but it is an ongoing battle and such a draining one. I think these have been very exceptional times. Hopefully their focus will widen a bit once they’re back at school..

Same here. What I have noticed is that mine are much better behaved when I ban the screens. I deleted my daughters TikTok account as I hated it and scrolling through her messages last night found one from a friend asking why she was no longer on it - she replied "waste of time". Small victories. She hasn't asked once for me to reinstall.

If you work it out let me know as I'm 33 and completely addicted to my phone!

Yes...I agree entirely. I have a four and six year old and like everyone else our already high TV consumption has increased through lockdown.

But I havent got them tablets yet. And I never know when I hold start to introduce them.....because it's easier not to have any than to start to police it daily.. .

Meh - I was always glued to the telly. My parents had the same worries. I was never outdoorsy or into anything else. If they turned the telly off, I just sat there.

I can’t get worked up over screen time. The world has changed and technology is great.

Have you looked into any of the parenting "philosophies" that don't include screen time? Some of them get a bit militant and cultish about it but they're useful for suggesting alternatives. I follow a couple Montessori / RIE / forest school types on SM that have been helpful. My DS is much younger than yours so the specific things that work for him won't be appropriate for your DC.

There are different types of screen time though. If I think about how my children use their phones it's a mixture of

• social media (i.e the modern version of ringing your friend for a chat)
• online gaming (which also has a lot of social benefits)
• watching YouTube videos or Netflix (really just the equivalent of watching TV)
• reading books or articles or current news (educational)
• using apps (some of which e.g. "learning to type" are educational)

So I think saying screen time=bad is too much of a generalisation.

I've very much found with my DC that they would rather do things like physically meet with friends/ go to activity clubs etc. than be on their phone. The lack of these opportunities in lockdown has exacerbated the amount of phone use (not to mention schooling also being online!) , but I'm pretty sure we'll see it come down again when schools go back.

I have a policy with DN that she is only allowed to play video games with her friends at certain times of the day. She doesn’t have a phone of her own at all and won’t until she’s 16-18 and can pay for it herself. Phones and screens are so addictive before this age to the point where even Apple Engineers don’t allow their kids to have smart phones. If I were you I would take it away and make her go cold turkey until she can afford it herself.

You're the parent and now could be the perfect time to restrict screen time - you can tell them that it will make it easier for them to adapt when they are back at school.

A friend of mine posted photos if a family day out on FB and in every single one her teenage daughter was looking down at the phone in her hand - at the table in a restaurant, when posing for a family photo. It really highlighted that it was constant and I wouldn't have stood for it.

It's difficult as they get older as appealing activities are so expensive. Go Ape, theme parks etc.

Can you get them interested in cooking, then give them a tenner and challenge them to cook for the family?

Go camping? Campfire might be fun. I have zero gear and zero idea with camping but it might suit you.

I know what you mean. DS is 10 and DD 7, they both have screen time and it is limited so they have set times they go on and them and come off.

DH and I both working from home so they do go on them on the mornings I work otherwise we’d never get any work done.
Of course this will change when they go back to school, then they’re only allowed them after school until dinner and that’s it.

DH and I sit on our phones most of the day too tho

I think it feeds itself. So, if they have more time they will want more time - limiting it should help.

I am so worried about this at the moment as well, and my kids are really young. Lockdown + working from home has meant they have spent the last 5 months on screens. Now I don't really know how to come back from that and to be honest we still don't have childcare etc so it will continue.

I agree about the tolerating other activities until they can get back to screens. They are too young to manage other activities by themselves and as DH and I have to work we can't see a way around it. We can't go cold turkey or reduce screen time without compromising our working day.

I don't know what to do and get myself completely worked up about it. I do feel like I've really let them down.

I would recommend the book "Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting". It has a great method for introducing "playing alone" by children. Starting with 10 minutes etc.
I think mine are probably a tiny bit older but we set a timer (especially for the younger one) and ask them to go and play till it's finished (she is 6 now, 5 at the start of lockdown).
The older one (8, ADHD) has always found that the threat of school work (or helping with housework) concentrates his mind wonderfully.
Can you go and play on your own please?
I want to play on my tablet.
Screen time is at 3. And after you've done your maths/English/taken off your dirty bedsheets.
Don't see him for dust.

I have been really worrying about this lately. My two have a switch between them and use it to game with friends. It has been the only way they can talk to friends as none of them have phones.

One has a tablet and they are able to watch Netflix and Disney plus on that as well as on TV.

I find that as another poster said, activities are tolerated until they can have screens. We have made every other day a screen free day. But really that means no tablet or gaming. So they watch TV.

It was much worse when both parents were WFH as you really needed peace to work so screens were an easy option.

They do go outside of the weather is good but they aren't keen if there's a drop of rain.

I feel this summer has been really wasted and even though here we have freedom to do more activities, I've been too nervous to do them.

I understand this too op.

Lockdown has really changed things in our house.

Luckily a few activities have opened up now so we can be outside a bit more but it's horrible.

I know I can take stuff away - and sometimes I do but during lockdown there wasn't much else to do.

It’s so hard. I’d love my children to be able to entertain themselves all day in the house/garden but they can’t. Well they can for a very short time. I’m working or have house work etc so I can’t think of things or engage with them for 12 hours a day. It’s the one thing that has stressed me out so much. Yes you can take the screens away but so difficult to then work/ get anything done. Feels like a constant/stressful battle.

Doesn’t help that DH constantly moans about how much screen time they have whilst he peacefully works in his office. All my fault 🙄

It was getting a bit better when we could get out and about but that’s still me taking them out. We’re back in self isolation now and I fear I may lose the plot after months of homeschooling and juggling.

We never get all day or even approaching, but it's gone from nothing to better than nothing so we'll take that!

@Billyjoearmstrong

Meh - I was always glued to the telly. My parents had the same worries. I was never outdoorsy or into anything else. If they turned the telly off, I just sat there.

I can’t get worked up over screen time. The world has changed and technology is great.

If it's to excess it can cause a problem (ADD for example or poor social skills).

However, technology is good in a lot of ways as well as the downsides. Life could be very boring back before the days of the internet, mobile phones, satellite television, DVDs/videos, games consoles, computers etc etc. The last 5 months would have been even much more painfully boring without any of these things and has helped keep people home.

I nanny for teens and they have a 3 hour limit on their phones set by their parents... I find they try and limit their time and "save it up" for the evening so they will look for other things to do where possible.

I sometimes feel the same way as I look after younger ones too who obviously aren't on their phones so would like the older ones to engage but I remember being the same age and glued to my desktop pc wherever possible!