How do I not be a dick?

[Scoobyscoobedydoo]

Day alone and lots of self reflection. Reading back messages where I have taken mega flouncy offence and fallen out with people but I have seen it calmly and clearly today. I am prone to being an argumentative, over sensitive nobhead. How do I stop this cycle?

Firstly the fact that you’ve recognised you are is good. Second job is to work out why you are like that.

My DH is currently working on a similar thing-he knows he’s a hot headed dickhead at times, he’s learning that being taught from a young age everyone is a bastard (his parents are extremely negative) has given him the same view of life and he’s actively trying to look for positives instead of just seeing and assuming the worst.

And it’s such a cliche but he’s counting to 10 (sometimes 100) before he makes a snap reply. Thinking about it and being measured. With messages it’s far easy-I’ve told him this....if your instant reaction is to be a twat-put the phone down and go back and reply in a bit.

Agree re leaving the message - I’m not argumentative particularly but always find leaving messages gives me time to work out what they really mean and what I want to say so I don’t just react and say something stupid. I also quite often just completely misread stuff so it’s a handy policy for picking up the proper details too!

I’m reading a book called Non-Violent Communication at the moment, which I’m finding helpful - the bit I just read talked about how your early interactions will shape how you react to people later on in life eg if you got used to people demanding stuff of you rather than requesting and listening to your position then even when people request things politely you will be prone to treating it as a demand and getting defensive.

Id leave responding for at least an hour, never mind counting to 10! It’s about learning to control your impulsiveness, which can ruin relationships in split seconds.

Write your initial reply.
Leave it for a minute.
Go back and read the initial correspondence.
Read your reply.
Is it helpful/relevant?
Does it communicate the important point you want to make?
Is it dickish?
How would you feel if someone addressed it to you?
Rewrite.

Good on you for spending time reflecting OP. I think the world would be a better place if we reined in our dickish tendencies. Don't be a dick.

Thank you, yes, I am slowly coming to realise I need to be more considered in my approach to responses to communication or situations that I am not comfortable with. I do suffer with anxiety and that tends to manifest as me jumping to immediate defence which often gets me in to arguments.

Another tip, when you reply discuss the situation and offer solutions, do not comment on the person. I have done this at work when people have been unbelievably stupid and it would be easy to criticise them but by focusing on how to repair the situation it has led to a better outcome as people feel less defensive etc

Also I have a few phrases that I use when I want to spend time researching or considering my reply. Things like I want to give this enough time to properly consider it, or even said that I am too close to something right now and could do with walking away to get perspective and proportionality on the situation.

If ever I feel upset/angry I always leave responding until the next day.

I might write the response straight away but almost without fail I'll either decide not to send it when I re-read it the next day or I'll tone it down A LOT.

I still sometimes act like a dick but it tends to be face to face and only with people I've known for years and who luckily have readily forgiven me on these (rare) occasions. I've learned to manage the messages/emails effectively just with the method of leaving it 24h.

Good point Rainbowshine. I need to resist the personal comments, definitely. God I feel like an awful person saying that but I definitely do get personal to feel like I have an upper hand, but ultimately it IS a dick move and makes everything so much worse

It would be worth looking at conflict styles which are mainly written about work but translate to any relationship really.

Good book called the Chimp Paradox, which has helped DP and I with communicating difficult feelings and dealing with unhelpful impulses. It’s a really easy read and has changed how he behaves immeasurably.

I have a friend like this and she has really upset me a few times recently by taking things I've written in messages completely the wrong way. It upsets me that she jumps to conclusions about the tone of a message without taking into consideration the type of person I am and if would be likely to be snarky in a message. Which I'm not. To be honest it's made me distance myself from her and be less supportive which is a shame because she doesn't have many friends left.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 that is sad. From the other side though I have definitely had periods where I feel like everyone is out to get me and trust is incredibly hard. It is no reflection on you, just maybe your friend doubting her worth as a friend

@Scoobyscoobedydoo

I can be this way to. I am doing my best to listen and not jump....it's hard because there are quite a lot of people who are 'dicks' on here anyway. Just remember this is a online forum and people get odd about strange things and some explode so easily about nothing much...

Good luck.

"I have a friend like this and she has really upset me a few times recently by taking things I've written in messages completely the wrong way. It upsets me that she jumps to conclusions about the tone of a message without taking into consideration the type of person I am and if would be likely to be snarky in a message. Which I'm not. To be honest it's made me distance myself from her and be less supportive which is a shame because she doesn't have many friends left."

My sister used to do this too. She would get personal and attacking and in the end it was too much for me and we are now estranged. I feel so much better withouth her in my life. OP, it is great you are recognising this and taking steps to change. I would also suggest apologising to people you've abused in this way in the past as you will have done damage which will still be there in the background unless you take full responsibility for your previous behaviour. Good luck o your journey.

It is sad, I don't think she has low self worth, more the opposite if I'm honest but she's been through a tough time and is understandably touchy about some things. I think messaging rather than speaking face to face or in a call can easily be misinterpreted. For example she tells me off for being 'short' in a message but in reality I could only squeeze in a short reply because I'm chasing a toddler and I wanted to keep the flow of the conversation going

Hmm I wouldn't 'tell someone off' for being short though. That sounds a bit more like she wants to be in control? I just know I am unpleasant when I feel backed in to a corner, I get upset and it comes out so very wrong.

I do suffer with anxiety and that tends to manifest as me jumping to immediate defence which often gets me in to arguments.

I just know I am unpleasant when I feel backed in to a corner, I get upset and it comes out so very wrong.

The thing is OP, that you are trying to make excuses for your undesirable behaviours.

If someone sends you a message and because you are oversensitive, or prone to anxiety, you take it the wrong way and respond with a snippy/aggressive/sulky response, this is not their fault.

If a friend sent a snippy response to me and it was an absolute one-off I'd overlook it.

If they did it a couple of times but followed up with an apology, I'd forget it.

If they did it multiple times and half apologised but made excuses, I'd be thinking life is too short for this if I'm going to have to carefully consider every message I say in case it sets off this sort of response.

I am not trying to make excuses, I know my anxiety soars in situations I find stressful and was just noting that this usually overtakes rational thinking. I haven't said anything is the other person's part, in whatever the situation.

I think you do need to explore why you feel people are out to get you, and why you assume the tone/intent behind written words. Have you looked at things like the drama triangle where you keep assuming people have a particular role (e.g. the good person, the bad person)? That’s something I have found useful as it challenges you to be more open minded about others.

Following a period of difficulty in my life I became an ass. It took months of spending each day consciously saying to myself "don't be a dick, that was a dick move - apologise". I've got it under control now. I think one needs to focus to stop the dickery.