Sadness that DD won't have the childhood I did

[CountryDreamer16]

I know this is massively a first world problem, and that we are lucky in the grand scheme of things. We are healthy, comfortable and there is always food on the table. But I had a baby girl earlier this year and I keep thinking how my current life isn't what I dreamed of for my children.

I grew up in a big detached house just outside of a nice, tiny village. We didn't have a lot of "things" but looking back, my childhood was a dream. I remember how my surroundings and experiences captivated my imagination. Paddling in streams, tree houses, going to see the cows and horses. I thought that by now, I would have something similar for my own children... But we can only afford a terraced house in a very large, much less rural village a few miles away. We hear buses going past in the evening rather than an owl hooting. I miss it terribly myself, but I also feel so sad that my children will never get to look back on their childhood the way I do.

It's not money that I want, but unfortunately that's what we would need to get that sort of life (house). DH and I have both massively under-achieved career-wise despite being highly educated. Him because he found a job he absolutely loves but is poorly paid, and me because I have severe anxiety and have always let it hold me back.

Really not sure why I'm posting this, just having a reflective day.

You need to change your mindset. The things you have mentioned are positives, not negatives.
“Only afford” = can afford -whoohoo!
“Terrace house” = a whole house, not a flat - whoohoo!
“Very large, not rural village” = lots of things to do, lots of people you and your DD can make friends with, more facilities-whoohoo!
“Buses going past in the evening” = you’re connected by public transport, and in the evening. Great for you, brilliant for your DD when she gets older - whoohoo!

Your DD will have the childhood she has, and there’s no reason why it won’t be just as good, just different, to yours. Personally, I grew up in a rural location and couldn’t wait to leave.

@daisypond go and look up toxic positivity. That is what you are doing.

Negative emotions are part of life and continually pushing them away is psychologically unhealthy. Telling others to push them away is just rude.

Well, I certainly didn’t mean to be rude, and that’s not what I intended. I hated the sort of childhood the OP described. I had that sort of rural childhood and it damaged me, so perhaps I’m projecting.

Well I grew up in a council estate in East London and I look back with glorious memories. Childhood is like that.

Life is what you make it. I've always tried to see the best in things.

@ItWasNotOK

Surely there's a big difference between failing to emotionally accept/ process terrible tragedies (or bad situations) and trying to see the best in something that's not quite perfect?

Telling other people they should cheer up is just a shit thing to do.

@ItWasNotOK she didn’t tell her to cheer up , she told her that her how to see her negatives as positives

My dad does this... last night I mentioned I have tonsillitis... his response...Well friend A has prostate cancer.

Why can’t she have it. I don’t mean the big house, but can you move somewhere rural so she has the freedoms you had?
I’m a single mum yet my ds sees deer and sheep most days, and hears owls most nights. We’re in Hampshire, not the outer Hebrides. We don’t have a lot of stuff either but still happy.

I hated growing up in a hamlet of 17 houses, no buses, an hour to school, 20 min drive to the nearest shop. Never had play dates, missed out on going into town with friends as a teenager, couldn't do after school clubs or sports matches because we lived so rurally.

DC are growing up in SE London, it's a much smaller house, and we don't have the 3 acres of land, orchards, stables and ponds that I grew up with. But DS (nearly 11) has been getting himself to and from school, for the last year, meeting up with mates along the way. Goes to the park with his friends by himself, attends clubs every day of the week and goes to all the sports matches he is invited to.

DD (8) can pop round to friends for impromptu play dates, we often meet up with friends for a drink, BBQ or meal with an hours notice. They go to the West End to watch shows, Kew Gardens for the Christmas lights, and all the other amazing things London has to offer.

I would have chosen their childhood over mine every day of the week.

Hey OP, I know how you feel. I grew up in a tiny village overseas, my family still live there. I miss it terribly, but DH won't move countries (can't speak the language so can't blame him!)
We live in a town, in a semi detached. Yes we are very lucky, but I understand you yearning, as I am the same x

I had a similar childhood to the one you describe and it wasn't what I, as a child, wanted. We moved from a terrace where I had lots of local playmates to a pretty detached house with garden and stream where the local children had known one another since the womb, as had their mothers and grandmothers, and they didn't want anything to do with outsiders.

I missed our terrace and all my friends and asked to go to boarding school regularly.

The detached country house is what parents think makes an ideal childhood - friends and family are what make childhood great for children. Childhood friends within walking distance are worth more than any detached house or big garden.

Zoe mum2006 That sounds great! I too lived in London as a child and loved "playing out" with my chums in our small street! Wherever you live you make the most out of it .It doesnt need to be a re run of "Anne of Green Gables!"

I think you need a bit of perspective here op. My childhood was similar to yours, yet my children live in a 2 bed council flat with no garden. However, they love the outdoors because life is what you make it. Your daughter has loving parents who are happy day to day and are present in her life. That's all I ever wish for my children and I'm so greatful they have it.
Life can change very suddenly so always be aware and greatful for what you have.

You could take your child on camping holidays in the country where she will experience these nice things. She may be more likely to appreciate the memories of holidays more than if she lived in a quiet country village she may not appreciate it as much as u think.. ie she may take it for granted. Although sounds like you didnt. Dont be sad though. Im going through something similar at the mo, i lived in a 4 bed detached house with a massive garden and lots of money when growing up. I now live in a 1 bed flat with a tiny communal garden in a small town which isn't the nicest.. and pregnant with first child. Hoping we can save up for a nice house but dont think it will be for a long while xx

Your childhood does sound awesome and can understand you feeling slightly upset, but children from all over have the same fond memories from council estates to the middle of nowhere. You seem really homesick.

I grew up in North London and have moved back to roughly the same area. Not intentionally but seeing the great big swing park reminds me of the fun we all had, taking a picnic to the field and spending all day in the parks/tennis courts/playing in the brooke. Living on a street with other young kids helped massively, always being allowed out to play as our parents could see us, running in and out of neighbours houses. Travelling 20 minutes to the "countryside" and roaming the woods. Your DD will have her own memories and a happy home is a good place to start.

I agree. I grew up on the edge of a big town but in a beautiful part of the country and right now we’re in London and DH has very limited interest in leaving within the next 5-10 years. I’m hoping when kids actually arrive it might change his mind but I would bitterly grieve for the lifestyle I thought I’d have when kids came along. On a personal level as well, I’m a country type of girl and want that life but don’t see how to actually get there while having a career heavily based in London and keeping my husband.

Every child grows up with their own experiences and memories no matter how close the experiences were on paper.

You don't have to have those things on the doorstep to enjoy them. They are a treat if they are a day trip or part of a holiday and probably more memorable for it.

If I had a magic wand, I'd put a prolific reader spell on my children. But they just aren't. One has strong dyslexia and autism and reads a certain style of non-fiction. But there is no magic wand and this is my children's path and it's different to mine.

I don't have the same regrets as although we had a bigger house, i grew up in a house full of conflict and worse but my kids haven't. My kids are teenagers now and I'd say kids are more likely to compare their home situations to their friends' than anything else. We did loads of trips. National trust places can be good for wide open spaces, woods, paddling in a lake, climbing trees etc. My two said recently they like living near public transport as it gives them independence. They like being able to meet friends easily. We can hear buses and owls at night sometimes and we only live just outside greater London

You have the childhood you have. It’s an individual experience. I doubt your daughter will grow up being concerned about what she hasn’t got, just do the best you can.

how horrid you sound, ItwasNotOk. Daisy pond was trying to be helpful, not rude - that’s easy to infer. Do you want the OP to wallow in misery and tell her dcs that they’ve got the shit end of the stick and that life was so much better in t’olden days?

As others have said, in the absence of real abuse, we all look back on our childhoods with warm nostalgia. I used to enjoy our caravan holidays to a no frills park. Mentioning this to dm, she shuddered and said how she’d hated those holidays and when she was a child she’d been to Broadstairs which was wonderful... I was horrified! You do not trash your children’s memories !

Your children will not have the same memories growing up as you had, but I promise you that your children will have wonderful memories none the less.
I grew up in a council house in a not very nice area, but I have such wonderful memories of when I was younger, like chasing the ice cream van down the road, bug hunting, going to the beach, tyre swings etc. Children have fun no matter what environment they’re brought up in. Relax, and if you want your children to experience what you had growing up, take them camping. I used to love camping when I was younger.x

I grew up on a rough council estate, but I still have memories in that vein. I didn't realize how bad the area was until I was older. There were small wooded areas on the outskirts, a stream, a park. Children see wonder in what's around them, it doesn't have to literally be the little house on the prairie.

urgh!

I grew up in a big house in a tiny town with the noise of plovers and cicadas and the memory of rhubarb from the vegetable patch, bike riding, the beach and long summers.

But do you know I look at my dc London childhood and I know the opportunity is right their for them. The teen has things to do with his friends and it’s exciting what is to be explored as he gets older.

I think it’s better to embrace why you have rather than look backwards.