Daughters of domestic abuse?

[ConfusedDotCom123]

Hi,

I’m sure I’m not alone in this.
Many threads on here say to the mothers in abusive/disrespectful relationships “is this the relationship you want to model for your daughter?”

I am the daughter. And my mother stayed in the relationship with my dad until my late teens.

I am just wondering, what damage limitation can I do to myself ? I feel like damaged goods.

I have a rocky relationship with my mother currently. Because I had my own daughter and I viciously am making sure she is Strong and heard and independent.

I don’t feel like I had that opportunity and I feel annoyed with my mother. I see her as a willing victim. I feel sorry for her but she also angers me for having no respect for herself.

I wonder whether anyone shares similar experience and can tell me how they manage to feel less like damaged goods.

I had a similar experience as a child. I was angry with my dm for a long time for not protecting me from the things I was witness to. But as I've got older (I'm 40 next month) I've stopped being angry. I understand better that victims cannot always see a way to stop their abuse. The only person I am angry with now is the abuser.

You aren't damaged goods. Life is a complex thing, and everyone has bad things in their past. Processing them is important, with hindsight i wish I had sought some counselling as a young adult, as I think it would have helped me reach the peace I have with my past earlier.

I had a violent Dad. I really cannot say it any better than Stompy above, I agree completely.
Have a good relationship with Mum now after a very bad one in my twenties. My father has been dead for 17 years. I don't honestly think Mum saw a way out.

People who have no self esteem or who are frightened can be very difficult to understand.
I had similar but both women were strong characters.
One was old fashioned, divorce was very much frowned on and agaisnt the church.

Looking back I think it would be different story today. The other had massive self esteem issues.

But I know someone else who whilst has only been on one brief bad relationship has very low self esteem, and is at the beck and call of family like a servant.
No one can untangle their thoughts,, there is an entrenched rigid blockage. Person also had therapy about it.

Myself and others have spent hours trying to get them to see things in a fresh different way and they can't.

It's sad if you feel like damaged goods... Or rely on your dm to set your own image and template on how to behave.
I certainly gained much from the benefit at time of wider family, films, books so I had a wider perspective on normal.

The worst family I have known had no actual violence but operates in a different way.

Also, one must remember they were very different times back then, even a few decades ago. Misogyny rife, no where near the openness we have now, Internet, phones.
People were much more cut off. Now I could post about my troubles on mn anymously have have the benefit of many other posters in one hit.

When I look back at the behaviour and situations I was exposed too! With no explanation or thought for how I would be feeling after!

My own dh and life couldn't be further from my own, but I had lots of good stuff too. In terms of my relationship with my dp... Individually it was fine.

Your dm is just someone who happened to have a child. No one chooses these bad things.

Some people stay together to "protect" the child as otherwise the child can be forced to visit the the abusive parent on their own. The father then may turn his abuse on the children and/or stop them from returning to the mother and that might have been a risk that she couldn't take until you were old enough in the court's eyes to make your own mind up on who to visit.

I see her as a willing victim.

I think this is something that anyone who has a family relationship with someone in a DV relationship struggles with, let alone a child. Of course it isn't that simple. Trauma bonding is a thing, being abused clouds the mind and judgement.

Things that have helped me as an 'adult child of DV':

• Talk therapy (especially with a therapist who predominantly treats women leaving DV relationships, who really got what I was talking about).

• Reading the Stately Homes thread on here.

• Seeking emotional support from other family members (siblings, aunts, my partner etc).

• Reading about DV (Lundy Bancroft is the big one), reading about trauma bonding etc.

• Making donations to Women's Aid.

• Reading and commenting on threads here with women seeking support to identify violent relationships and to leave them.

I found the books 'Understanding Adult Survivors of Domestic Violence in Childhood' and 'The Body keeps the score' really helpful.

I hope you find the support you need.

That sounds tough. Have you heard of bethany webster and healing the mother wound?

I resisted for a long time because I didn't want to pay. But it is a well thought out path of questioning and validation to heal this wound. I'm only on module 3 (of 8) but it's giving me language to complicated feelings and the facebook group is the best thing. EVERYBODY gets it.

My parents were married and still fucked me up. My father was 'The Yes Man' and also 'The Absentee' so no back up there. He was just a very passive collaborator.

This is the course I'm doing

Must try and do module four this weekend. They aren't easy. The exercises force you to think about things and dig it up a bit. But then the articles give you the language for the feelings and validate you for having had those feelings.

It isn't CHEAP so I don't want to be accused of 'touting'. I was accused of trying to flog something on style and beauty board yesterday! It was just something I ordered because I was a sucker.

Thanks for all the replies.

I’ve been reading about parentification and oh god it rings so many bells

I don’t currently have the finances to pay for therapy or Courses

I feel bad going through NHS for something like that at a time like this

I will however try to get some books to read from the library once open

Because this is taking over my life

Get some support OP.
You can self refer for counselling, get the number from your GP. I've had therapy and currently getting support from Women's aid, they're fab.