Am I being silly?

[TheresNoRoomInTheBed]

I work nights. Dd is a sensitive 10 yr old.

Pre working nights, dd would often end up in our bed. She would come in for a cuddle. This was ok as at least I had some time to sleep.
Now, every morning when I get home, there seems to be little space in my bed for me. I can squeeze in, but have to move her across first. Struggle for some duvet. Get my pillow back.

So it seems that since I have been on nights, dd has essentially been waiting awake for dh to go to bed when she then transfers into our bed.
So every single morning she is there.

And along with that comes the toys,the books and drink on the bedside table, the clothes on the floor and the towels from the shower. Any other bits and pieces she has decided to amuse herself with until she can sleep.

Tonight, (I have two nights off a week) she put herself to bed in our bed straight from the off. I said she should at least try sleeping in her own bed. Even just to start off the night.

It has escalated. She says I am being unreasonable. She hates her room as it is messy, her mattress as it is too hard. She said fine,I wont ever come in for cuddles anymore. Stated she was.going to.sleep on the landing as it was more comfortable etc. (Need to note at this point that dd may be autistic. Shenstruffles with her room being messy, and we tidy it for her her and we have recently bought her new furniture she chose and her mattress is only about 2 yrs old)

I spoke to dh who said I was overreacting, she is more comfy in our bed and that's ok as she is still a child. I said I feel pushed out of my own bed. He then said well I will sleep on the couch then you can have your space! Thats not what I wanted, I just was looking forward to going to bed without a child in it, to get a decent sleep on the night that I can.
I said to dh this. And that his suggestion was ridiculous. He said it wasnt, he was supporting both me and her, me with space and her with our bed. I said what is so wrong with wanting to go to a child free bed, with my hussband and sleep properly. I don't want to put people out, i just want sleep! He said I hadn't mentioned him and had I then he would have supported that! I said it goes without saying!

I guess I just want a rant i guess. I feel pushed out.i know the.family has adapted to their own routine since I am no longer here in the evening but this sucks.

You’re not being silly. A ten year old is not small, I struggle to sleep with my small 8 year old next to me and that happens very rarely.

I think your husband is missing you at night so he allows her in, but then when he’s all snuggly and asleep he doesn’t want to move her out and you back in. That’s not fair. I think at her age there should be a rule that she can come in for a cuddle in the morning (maybe) but it’s your bed and your room and you need to sleep too. Especially as you’re working and presumably she’s going to be pretty much pleasing herself.

I’m not sure what else you can do than impress upon her that it’s your bed. Unless you make her bed all nice and sleep in that!

You are not being silly OP. My 12yo DD occasionally comes into our bed in the middle of the night (eg if she's feeling ill) and DH or I move to the spare room. Once, fairly recently, she came in at the start of the night and I made it clear that she needs to at least start the night off in her own bed.

It's tricky because you're not usually there. So I'm not sure that you can tell DH that he mustn't let her sleep there - it's his decision how to handle that. But on the nights you are there, you are not being silly or unreasonable.

@MsEllany

You’re not being silly. A ten year old is not small, I struggle to sleep with my small 8 year old next to me and that happens very rarely.

I think your husband is missing you at night so he allows her in, but then when he’s all snuggly and asleep he doesn’t want to move her out and you back in. That’s not fair. I think at her age there should be a rule that she can come in for a cuddle in the morning (maybe) but it’s your bed and your room and you need to sleep too. Especially as you’re working and presumably she’s going to be pretty much pleasing herself.

I’m not sure what else you can do than impress upon her that it’s your bed. Unless you make her bed all nice and sleep in that!

I usually sleep for a few hours in bed, then get up to spend time with the DC ( two are teens and DD sleeps late) and DH WFH most days. I can then have a nap on the couch in the evenings once DH gets home from work/takes over. So my sleep is split anyway.

Yes, I know there is an element of missing me there too, although I have worked evenings for years, but this is full overnights so a bit different.

@RandomTree

You are not being silly OP. My 12yo DD occasionally comes into our bed in the middle of the night (eg if she's feeling ill) and DH or I move to the spare room. Once, fairly recently, she came in at the start of the night and I made it clear that she needs to at least start the night off in her own bed.

It's tricky because you're not usually there. So I'm not sure that you can tell DH that he mustn't let her sleep there - it's his decision how to handle that. But on the nights you are there, you are not being silly or unreasonable.

Yes, not being there is something I struggle with, but this postiion makes the most sense financially and childcare wise in this post covid world! Plus I dont want to be the nasty mummy imposing rules when I am not even there! :(