My life is lonely and unfulfilling. How can I change it?

[ItsABlueDay]

Over lockdown I have come to the realisation that, despite having a family around me, I am so, so lonely.

DH works away Mon-Fri and has had to continue this through lockdown. I have been furloughed at home with 2 teenagers, who spend lots of time in their rooms. Thankfully for them, they have kept in touch and have been FaceTiming and playing online with their friends which I think has helped them cope enormously.

I live about 20 minutes from from my DPs and siblings. They all live within 5 minutes of each other.

From the beginning of lockdown DP’s and siblings have all seen each other by dropping off shopping, going for walks etc. No one was interested in a family WhatsApp or Zoom calls so I didn’t see anyone until restrictions eased.

I have been to see DP’s a few times now, and every time, another sibling turns up. They see each other every day. We have a history of me being left out and despite telling them all how I felt a year ago, nothing has changed. DM told me at the beginning of lockdown she was upset because she hadn’t seen my niece and and nephew for 2 weeks. She hadn’t seen my dc for 2 months!

I have realised I need to lessen contact because I always come away feeling upset, but I don’t know how. I don’t know what I want to do. I’m going to start by looking for a new job. Mine is part time, manual work which fitted in with DC’s but not they’re older I can do something different but I don’t know what.

Does anyone have any advice for starting again with everything?

Well I have a similar situation, assuming you know about the golden child dynamic - and is continuing to this day in your case.

In the early days of motherhood you were probably too busy to notice or care, but the lockdown has given you space and time to see what has been happening all along.

Your parents won't change, you can ask them 1000 times, so best to change things in your life. In my case I felt a lot better living 3 hours away, it just removed all the expectation and hurt, and allowed me to start again - this time my own story. If you can not look to your family for love then it is time to build your own family:

• You haven't mentioned friends in your post, it is time to put some serious work into your friendships and support network. Once you have a sturdy network you will care a lot less about what they are doing

• Do you work? Maybe increase your hours? Change your job

• Volunteering and taking up new hobbies now you have more time.

• Work towards a dream, whatever it may be. Have goals for 5.10 and 15 years.

• Pick up the friendships that have dropped by the wayside, and try to make new friends in clubs and hobbies etc.

• Spend more time with your dh's family, develop bonds with those that you have a natural connection with.

It is easy to feel daunted with teens, I know I do, I feel we are all entering a new chapter and it is time for me to dust down my dreams and aspirations now I have the chance. As for your family, let them get on with it. Your sibling having set the precedent for going every day and being such a big part of your parents lives won't be surprised when they start leaning on her for proper help around the clock and she can deal with incontinence and relentless hospital apps, by that time you will be long gone. Leave them to it and make your own life a happy one.

I'd recommend finding a voluntary role you can fit in at least once a week or even less frequently. That way you can choose something you like, when you do it & will be doing something worthwhile & fulfilling. There are lots of things to do: galleries, museums, animals, wildlife, gardening, charity, hospitals, archaeology, online stuff, children, libraries, etc There's bound to be something you fancy & you can meet people if you like or not so much.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

Our long term plan is to move much further away, probably to the coast. Eldest is about to start GCSE’s so moving within the next few years isn’t really an option. I can already see my family turning up for a free holiday when is suits them and not bothering with me the rest of the time.

I could spend hours listing the favouritism shown to my siblings over the years. Each time I have told one of them it upsets me, it results in my DF shouting at me for upsetting someone. No consideration of them spending 40 odd years upsetting me though.

I’ve never really had a best friend. The group of friends I made when DC’s started school have all gradually faded away. Lots of house moves, divorces etc and my team at work are very cliquey. Friends I messaged during lockdown didn’t really reply so I know I need to sort this.

I’m going to start looking for a new job, but I imagine that will be very difficult for a while. Will maybe look at OU courses or college to give me something to focus on.

I know I can only rely on myself now for happiness. It still hurts when I see family photos on Facebook and I’m not included. Like you say, siblings can look after them when they’re old.

Come off facebook you don't need to be hurt every time you click on something. In fact, if I were you I would put much more time into real time friendships and give social media a miss altogether. Some people weaponise it to hurt others.

Friendships do drop off as the children get older, but this ins't inevitable. I am sure you can restart this area of your life. I would also switch jobs at the first opportunity and look to relocate. Two years is not very long to plan something like this.

In an ideal world they would care enough to listen when you explain that you are hurt by their actions, but the fact they ignore you speaks volumes. Learning to live happily without them will free from the obligation as well as the bad dynamics. Your teens may go onto have families of their own, and one day you will have a large extended family of your own without the need for anyone else.