I honestly feel like I just can’t carry on any more, I’ve been trying to just push through and keep going but it’s like I’ve suddenly lost the ability to cope.
Our twins have been at home 24/7 since March. They are both autistic, amongst other things, they are nearly 4. They are non verbal and delayed in every area except gross motor skills - their play skills are really delayed, and they have a lot of sensory issues. We can’t do the sort of activities others can do and they’ve gradually become less interested in toys throughout and increasingly screen addicted and the days are just like Groundhog Day. We’ve had no real input from any of their professionals as they don’t respond to video calls so I’ve just been trying to manage myself and I’ve completely failed.
One of them sleeps very badly and we had a really stressful time early in lockdown where one managed to get out of his bed and got hurt so I had to sort out a loan of specialist safe beds from a charity. He still doesn’t sleep but at least I know he’s safe.
I’ve been trying to manage them alongside my job which is part time but has been really stressful during COVID and isn’t likely to get easier any time soon.
On top of this I’ve been trying to manage tribunals for both twins EHCPs. I’ve been thrown into a world I had no idea existed and it’s so much more awful than I could imagine. The lying, gaslighting and ignoring the law is so shocking. I think we are going to win but not before I spend several more grand that shouldn’t be necessary given they have a shitty case. I did a load of SEN legal training online during lockdown so I know what I need to do, but it’s absolutely relentless and it’s breaking me.
They haven’t been able to go back to nursery for quite complicated reasons but those are getting sorted (slowly). They were able to go in on Monday for three hours and I thought that would make me feel better and I don’t know why but now I feel worse than ever.
Some of my friends are going out for dinner tomorrow and have invited me. I can’t face it. I don’t know how I’ll have a conversation without falling apart completely. I can’t even write this out without crying.
My DH is doing everything he can, giving me a break at weekends, doing the cooking, etc etc but he is so busy with work and he’s feeling really low himself. We are both really broken down.
Don’t even know why I’m posting - I just feel so fucking lonely. My friends are lovely but they don’t understand what it’s like and I don’t want to be that friend who is just a bloody misery all the time so I try not talk about it. I’m seeing all their kids grow up and change and my boys are just stuck and I can’t really explain to them what it’s like.
I just need a proper break - I have some health issues myself and the stress is making it all much worse - but I can’t have one and won’t for some time. I know I need to find a way to just suck it up and keep going.
Are other people feeling like this? Has anything helped?
Sorry for moaning.