Shouting at a child for misbehaving

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To what extent, and in what circumstances / types of situations, do you think it is necessary, acceptable and/or useful to shout at a child for misbehaving?

I mean proper loud shouting (as opposed to slightly raising your voice).

Child is 4.

Thanks for your views!

I would hope to only shout as a warning (ie they're about to run into the road or touch a hot stove)

I don't think it's something I do by choice... More like the end of my tether and snap when I've been pushed passed the point of irritation and annoyance. I don't shout at my kids every day and would only get annoyed if they were repeatedly not listening.

Emergencies I would say. As in shouting not to cross a road or such like. I grew up in a shouty house and to my shame did the same when mine were at that age. However, I have learnt over time that it's not an effective way to deal with issues and no longer shout. I would also admit that I found two pre schoolers very stressful which may have also contributed to how much shouting went on. They're both teens now and a lot easier. It definitely wasnt my finest hour as a parent looking back, but at least I learnt from it.

I’d say emergencies only...I’ve shouted at DS1 more out of fear when he’s gone to do something really dangerous and it’s more of a shout of his name to stop him rather than a shout telling him off

When it’s something dangerous and you need to stop them. But that’s in an ideal world; realistically parents lose their patience and shout at times

Thanks, this is helpful.

The shouter is DH. (Not that I'm without my own flaws of course! But I'm not a big shouter.)

I really don't like it - I actually find it quite upsetting when he shouts at our DC. I'm fine about it when it's an emergency - I see that as necessary (eg to stop child injuring themselves). And although I totally understand (as a couple of PPs said) that often a parent will shout because they're at the end of their tether or lose their patience, I guess my tether/patience is longer than DH's, and so I find it hard (and not very helpful either) when he shouts in non-emergencies. Sometimes it's much more minor situations than I think could reasonably justify shouting.

Really helpful to get others' perspectives, so thank you for answering.

I shout when attention is urgent or to be heard over a very noisy child. E.g. if DCs are fighting or DS1 is brewing for a tantrum (he has ASD and can brew up a stinking mood; different to his meltdowns) Generally it's instructional to stop the behaviour and dismiss them to calm themselves down ready for further action.

Talking quietly and calmly is far more sucessful for dealing with behaviour issues. Ranting is potentially harmful.

When the child is in danger.

I often find speaking in a low, calm voice gets my kids more than anything else. My dad used to do this and quite honestly it scared the living daylights out of me and made me want to do better. I knew when he did it he was really pissed off at me.

Emergencies as others have said is the only time its necessary/useful. Other than that it's a loss of control on your part to shout at your kids. Don't get me wrong I've done at times, particularly at the older girls when they're being horrible to each other or wake the whole house up making a cake at midnight or wont stop arguing with me when I'm trying to get them out of the door for school, but it's not good and I will always apologise when I've calmed down. My husband doesn't shout at anyone as hes big and loud and would scare them to death if he did.

Danger and emergencies only. Although I’d doubt any parent who says that on the odd occasion it hasn’t happened when they’ve just reached the end of their tether! I’m fairly sure my ‘shoes and teeth’ requests have accumulated volume a few times during hectic mornings..

The thing is if it’s frequent and normalised not only will it lose its efficiency but it will make the child ‘behave’ from fear rather than from understanding that a behaviour is unacceptable/wrong which in the long term is damaging. A lot of people blame their upbringing - coming from a shouty family etc - but it’s a choice to continue that pattern & having a level of self-awareness & a willingness to change would be a good thing to discuss (in a calm manner and not when it is actually happening and emotions are running high).

It is never right for a much larger, stronger, scarier person (usually male but not necessarily) to raise their voice or threaten a child in a 'looming over' way. It is easy to totally terrify and bully a small child without knowing you're doing it. Leave this sort of stuff to the quieter, smaller, more pathetic adult who can get down on the child's level and try the voice of reason. I have to admit, to my shame, to having had stand up shouting matches with my grandson when we've both been pushed to the edge. We have, however, both agreed to behave ourselves in a more dignified manner and now settle things with a bit of an arm wrestle instead.

I can be too shouty, but am getting better at not being! Not properly lost-temper rage, but definitely sharp, and never a “rant” more a short phrase like “don’t do that”. It’s hard to avoid when you’ve told them to put their shoes on 20000000 times already, and is effective.

I think long shouty telling off is staggeringly ineffectual as most kids won’t be able to take in what you’re saying when their brain is taken up with how scary you are! People blame a loss of temper, but how many of us would stand yelling at a 6’5” 24-year-old who looks like they spend their life in the gym/on steroids?

I do think you subconsciously learn behaviours as a child that affect your parenting as an adult even if you don’t want to repeat the past the “immediate reaction” would mirror that of your own parents.

I am sure Super Nanny would say it is a bad thing. However, she does not have kids!

I don't think it's right to consciously use it as a punishment. It can be scary and that violates my criteria for effective discipline imo.

Which is not to say that I haven't done it because children can really push you to the limit, but I try not to and I recognise it's not a helpful thing to do.

Yes shouting to warn of urgency of imminent danger is different.

But some people see the scariness of it as a good thing - the idea being DC more motivated to avoid something scary as opposed to just unpleasant or inconvenient. I think it's an outdated attitude but plenty of people do still parent like that.