Stopping presents for (other people's) children at 18

[teabaseddiet]

As a child I received presents from my parents' friends (honorary aunts/uncles) on birthdays & Christmas until I was 18, when they stopped. Similarly a couple of family members sent me £50 for my 18th and said (in a nicer way!) that this is the end of presents.

I'm now of an age where I buy for friends' children and wondering if I should do the same. But then wonder if they'll be upset when a younger sibling continues to get presents...

Any thoughts on this?

And to add, my children only get presents sporadically from these friends, so I shouldn't feel obligated to send presents, but annoyingly I still do!

OP I genuinely say this in the best way possible, but this UK way of doing things to me as an immigrant is abhorrent.

Be generous if you can afford it and want to. Stinginess is a mean personality trait. A small box of chocolates, a book or a small present don't cost much after all.

Do what sits well with you and don't feel you have to copy what others are doing.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to stop at 18. Most people will understand this, and should not feel jealous of younger siblings, as it's a logical system.

As long as you continue to send a card to show you are thinkimg of them

I still buy for my friend's son and he is mid twenties now. Our family don't stop presents at 18 either though we don't see cousins or aunts and uncles anymore, so don't buy for them

We stop giving presents at age 21 but continue to send cards. Nobody in our family went to university, at 21 everyone has had a full time job, learnt to drive, bought a car, some have left home. They have become fully fledged adults with lives of their own, they have their own money to buy things they want. When they have children we buy those children a present up to age 21.

We stopped getting gifts from family at 18 and i intend to do the same when dn is 18

It's up you , at the end of the day.
I have a few relatives that have stopped with the gifts to us adults once we had children of our own,they just buy for the kids,which is understandable but I still gift them from all of us something small as they have bought for our children.
I have other family that still buy for us and the children and we buy for all them too, which I enjoy doing as I like gifting people even if it's something small it doesn't cost alot and shows that your thinking of them.
If you don't receive gifts from your friends or a gift of them all then I wouldn't feel bad not gifting them. But if they still gift the children then I would feel rotten for not giving something small.
I would let your friends know that you won't be giving gifts this year and you don't want in return. If they still give you a gift and you have said you didn't want one ,then they have decided to keep giving them then it's up to them. But do you feel you would like to receive a gift if not gifting back ?
But if you don't get gifts and you just buy you don't have to worry about all that .

We've done this (from 21, but same principle).

Makes sens on so many levels.......

• the dc tend to move away and you don't know them well enough to buy for their tastes
• also get complicated with post, etc
• many will be earning their own money and able to buy what they fancy
• they start getting boyfriends / girlfriends and that turns into a minefield - at what point to you get them something, what do you get them if you don't know them that well etc

But then wonder if they'll be upset when a younger sibling continues to get presents...
Never been an issue. It was openly talked about long before they got to 21, and they all thought it was fine. They are able to grasp they they have had presents for 18/21 years, as will their siblings. If you just stopped everyone because it was 2020, then that would be unfair on younger siblings.

@Immigrantsong
Abhorrent is a strong word. If you don't want to stop, then don't, but it does make sense for a lot of us.
I will treat them to a meal out when I see them, or, if they are around at Christmas I will wrap up a box of chocs so they have something to open, but the hassle of trying to think of a gift they will like, and haven't got and buy it in the right size / colour whatever and posting it to them to probably find it isn't really to their taste is all gone. It's lovely.

Thanks all - we very rarely see these friends, but have kept in touch despite the distance. They've only sporadically sent presents to my children (we don't send presents to each other, just the kids).

It's also difficult to know what to buy them as they get older (I've asked for ideas before & had no response).

I guess I have 3 options:

• stop presents
• send a token present (chocolates etc)
• keep sending presents which they may not like as I don't know what to buy them

I'm really not sure what the best way forward is on this.

Stop presents at 18 and then only do the "big"
Ones eg 21 or 30

An 18 year old should begrudge their younger siblings continuing to get presents.....

@BackforGood

We've done this (from 21, but same principle).

Makes sens on so many levels.......

• the dc tend to move away and you don't know them well enough to buy for their tastes
• also get complicated with post, etc
• many will be earning their own money and able to buy what they fancy
• they start getting boyfriends / girlfriends and that turns into a minefield - at what point to you get them something, what do you get them if you don't know them that well etc

But then wonder if they'll be upset when a younger sibling continues to get presents...
Never been an issue. It was openly talked about long before they got to 21, and they all thought it was fine. They are able to grasp they they have had presents for 18/21 years, as will their siblings. If you just stopped everyone because it was 2020, then that would be unfair on younger siblings.

@Immigrantsong
Abhorrent is a strong word. If you don't want to stop, then don't, but it does make sense for a lot of us.
I will treat them to a meal out when I see them, or, if they are around at Christmas I will wrap up a box of chocs so they have something to open, but the hassle of trying to think of a gift they will like, and haven't got and buy it in the right size / colour whatever and posting it to them to probably find it isn't really to their taste is all gone. It's lovely.

You are right, abhorrent is a very strong word. But that is exactly how I feel about the calculated move to stop presents after a certain age.

And to clarify, this is not when people can't afford it, but on the same rational that seems to exist in MN that somehow once kids hit their 18th birthday are independent adults.

There is a stinginess associated with giving and generosity in the UK, including presents but extending to so much more, that as an immigrant here I can not reconcile.

This is my view on my 21 years here and what I have witnessed. Somehow other immigrants or minorities especially on low incomes have shown more generosity than others far more privileged. And unfortunately this extends to far more than material giving. I have not seen people willing to give of themselves, extend friendship, support or their time. It's a rich country but so poor in what matters the most.

Apologies for derailing and being negative. I am having a truly shitty time here as an immigrant.

My family stops at 18. Otherwise you're just sending a cheque (well that's my experience once they get to their teens!!)

Abhorrent is rather extreme.

I wish I had done this. I'm still sending money to other people's offspring who are in their 30s/40s and who have far more more money than me as I'm retired. I feel it's difficult to suddenly stop now.

You keep missing the point of what I meant by abhorrent. It is not the value or present itself, it is the gesture. This can be very small based on what you can afford or want to gift. I don't believe in tit for tat present wise, you gift what you can and want, but be there via your gesture. It can be a card, email, call, small boxes of chocs...but it still matters.

In your case @teabaseddiet I would just stop sending presents for any of them .

I have not seen people willing to give of themselves, extend friendship, support or their time. It's a rich country but so poor in what matters the most.

I am really sorry you have not seen this. I have to say that is completely in contrast with what I see day in, day out. (Not that this has anything to do with giving presents to your nieces, nephews, Godchildren)

Our family stop at 21 but follow the same basic principle a bigger gift at 21 then finish otherwise it can get ridiculous since by this stage there are probably GC to buy for . As ling as it’s clear and fair to all I don’t see it as a problem. A friend of mine told me her sister Once said ‘don’t buy me a Christmas present and we won’t buy you one .We’re saying this to everyone because I’m sick of getting crap’ So I still say to her whenever I see her ‘I’m sick of getting crap’ because I just think it’s so funny . But I do understand what her sister meant even if she expressed it rather bluntly!

Once the children I sent presents to reached 18 I sent a family present at Christmas instead, big boys of chocs, biscuits, or champagne. Then the younger ones get their gift.

It’s tricky buying for kids you don’t see, I’m sure many of my gifts were a complete waste of effort and postage.

@BackforGood

I have not seen people willing to give of themselves, extend friendship, support or their time. It's a rich country but so poor in what matters the most.

I am really sorry you have not seen this. I have to say that is completely in contrast with what I see day in, day out. (Not that this has anything to do with giving presents to your nieces, nephews, Godchildren)

Are you foreign too? Where do you live? Maybe it's the area I live in as I haven't experienced anything like what you describe. I am thinking of relocating , so could use tips. Thank you.

My mother’s relatives kept buying us presents until comparatively recently. They were “token presents” and I have to say I found it excruciatingly embarrassing to be given a headband or a cheap candleholder by someone we never ever saw from one year to the next. So I am all for stopping at 18.

I’m really sorry you’ve had that experience, @Immigrantsong. I was born here but can imagine it can be an unwelcoming country to move to.

It's a minefield! I have one friend who continues to buy presents for my dc who are in their 20s, meaning I feel obligated to buy for hers. It seems ridiculous to be buying for adults with full time jobs, living in their own houses, when they could just buy gifts for each other if they so wished. I'd much rather just my friend and I bought for each other! Every time I mention it she just says "I want to buy for yours, please yourself if you don't want to buy for mine" knowing full well I won't stop until she does.

@Fanthorpe

Once the children I sent presents to reached 18 I sent a family present at Christmas instead, big boys of chocs, biscuits, or champagne. Then the younger ones get their gift.

It’s tricky buying for kids you don’t see, I’m sure many of my gifts were a complete waste of effort and postage.

Yes I worry about my presents being a waste as they're not to their taste as they get older too.

And it's not a case of being stingy, or tit for tat. They have big families & I don't begrudge them only sporadically treating our children, sending their children presents is what I've chosen to do regardless. But as they get older I feel there's less need.