I don’t want to get old...

[BillBaileysBum]

I have a friend, who is 30 and drinks. A lot. Like pushing 100 units most weeks. He smokes a fair bit too.

He’s mentioned it in passing quite a lot recently, usually in a jokey way so I usually respond in kind, but I started wondering whether he was trying to open up about it.

So tonight when he mentioned it I just lightly said, “Your poor liver. At some point you might want to think about easing up a bit” and he just replied, “Why? I don’t want to get old.”

And it just threw me completely.

It’s kind of hard to argue really. Cos who does want to get old??

But it also seems a bit weird to just say “oh ok then, fill your boots.” I wondered whether he is depressed but then am I just overlaying my worldview onto his, is this a normal way for him to feel, so.... disposable I guess?

I guess I’m wondering whether to just shrug and leave him to it or try and push it a bit more... we’re not in a relationship, we’re just friends, he’s not my responsibility in that sense. And if he doesn’t want to change, he won’t.

Anyone got any thoughts?? I just feel a bit thrown and not sure what a good friend would do/say.

I can kind of understand your friend. Whilst I'm not going to off myself, if I died tonight I would be relieved/happy. I have type 2 diabetes and eat chocolate/cake/cereal bars everyday. I know it's storing up trouble, but to be honest, I usually don't care, and hope I'll be gone long before then! However, I do have depression and don't know if that's why I feel the way I do? (I don't think so. I just feel like I was given the shitty end of the stick this lifetime. I'd rather either die, or win The Lotto Jackpot. That way I could afford all the decent therapy I need anyway! lol.)
It's nice that you care about your friend. Maybe try and test the waters a bit more, like, "Remember when you said you didn't want to get old? Well, what age is old to you? What is it in particular that you don't like about being old?" and go from there.
Good luck.

Many people don't desire particular longevity. It depends on your definition of 'old' of course, but I'd rather die before I became incapacitated by age. I would suggest talking to him and finding out more - it may be an indicator of low self-worth or it may just be a live fast, die young philosophy.

My brother-in-law, intelligent, educated, well-regarded teacher, drank himself to death aged 51. It was awful.

When I was faced with death I realised that getting old was much better than the alternative

Having just helped to move my DMIL into a care home - no, I do not want to be so old as to not be able to clean myself, discuss my medication, enjoy a book or music, to rely on other people if I want to take a walk - and, what's more important, to no longer care if I can do those things.
She is in good health and praying every day for delivery, because she's had enough.
I'd rather drop dead like my DF when I am still independant.

I think people often forget about the in between bit. Living an unhealthy lifestyle doesn’t necessarily mean that you will just drop down dead suddenly. It could mean that you make yourself really ill and have to live with the consequences for a long time.

I know what he means.

But it’s not guaranteed that you can do what you like for 50 years then go to bed one night and not wake up.

An extreme lifestyle could lead to years of illness, disability and feeling like shit.

That’s what I want to avoid - not the actual death bit.

@PerfectionistProcrastinator x-post!

Be interesting to see if this is a fleeting comment or if it is something he genuinely feels. Like everyone else I don’t want to be old and an ill health but on the other hand my partners are in late 70s and in great health living really good life’s so I would gladly be how they are!

@PerfectionistProcrastinator

I think people often forget about the in between bit. Living an unhealthy lifestyle doesn’t necessarily mean that you will just drop down dead suddenly. It could mean that you make yourself really ill and have to live with the consequences for a long time.

Exactly this, you see it so much on programmes such as Ambulance, people who are housebound due to chronic illness, can’t even get out of their chair caused by an unhealthy lifestyle, such as not being able to breathe because of emphysema, etc, an unhealthy lifestyle can lead to a slow prolonged death.

M

Liver disease is a fucking horrible way to go, as are lung cancer and COPD, so you could tell him that. He's more likely to live years with chronic illnesses or suffer a slow, painful death than he is to be carried off by the swift and merciful heart attack he might wish for.

Well...as someone up thread said...getting old might not be great ...but nor is the alternative. What is old I wonder? For me it's pretty much been 10 years older than me...so at present I suppose 78 is probably getting old. As others have said how long we want to live can depend on our physical and mental health. I definitely don't feel old yet but I am lucky enough to be in good health. Can't say how I'll feel when the day comes when the health seriously fails. I try to tread a happy medium regarding looking after myself and enjoying my life. I wouldn't want to deny myself everything I enjoy now, like wine, g and t and yummy food but I try to keep things in moderation. Not very active but walk a lot. Have a glass of wine most nights but try not to make it two

Yes, I think if the right moment comes and he seems receptive I’ll try and say that lung and liver disease generally come with years of pain and ill health and disability before they kill you.

I mean he must know that already, I guess I feel a bit like my silence is condoning it all at the minute.

Someone mentioned depression. I don’t think he is but I do think there’s “something”- he’s very jokey and throwaway about anything personal. He’s also a great friend, which is why I want to be a good friend back, not just a yes person. I’ll bid my time and try and say something when the moment comes. What he does with it is up to him I guess.

Thank you all, I just felt a bit blindsided in the moment!

You took him seriously. In my experience, this is one of the things people say to justify their extremely unhealthy choices or addictions, not merely to you but to themselves. They don’t really mean it.

Well... yeah. That’s kind of how I felt initially. And I don’t want to poke my beak in where it’s not wanted, but he keeps bringing the subject up, I don’t- a bit like mentionitis when you fancy someone?!- so it feels like he was inviting comment.

He’s very “fuck it” about lots of stuff. Doesn’t want a relationship with anyone, doesn’t want kids, just wants to drink and smoke. I’m making him sound awful but he honestly isn’t, he’s also funny and supportive and would do anything for anyone. I have always figured it was all a massive defence mechanism and he didn’t mean it deep down but it just somehow threw me tonight. Like perhaps I was just imposing my worldview into everyone else.

Anyway I’m definitely over thinking it now! I will take an opportunity to say a bit more when the time comes, but it’s all up to him.

It depends; I'd try to encourage him to work out new pathways.

COVID has exemplified things for many people.

I was relatively unscathed during lockdown as I was able to explore a lovely environment. Funny things happened though and it affects people differently.

Does he want to stop drinking? Because you cannot do this for him. I'd be there as a friend but not get over involved as it has to come from him.

Everyone talks about liver but the first organ affected is the brain.

Anyway good luck.

You took him seriously. In my experience, this is one of the things people say to justify their extremely unhealthy choices or addictions, not merely to you but to themselves. They don’t really mean it.

Exactly. It's not a philosophical position, it's addiction.

He’s very “fuck it” about lots of stuff. Doesn’t want a relationship with anyone, doesn’t want kids, just wants to drink and smoke. I’m making him sound awful but he honestly isn’t

His niceness is irrelevant, He's an addict, and that is why absolutely nothing else in life is important, compared to appeasing that addiction. You seem to be overlooking or minimising that by wondering whether he's depressed and taking his position on not wanting to get old seriously -- but you're right that you can do nothing about it at all.

I can understand people not really wanting to live into old age, as old age looks pretty shit tbh! However, thinking that drinking/smoking yourself to death at a young age is desirable shows a distinct lack of understanding of just how horrible that will be. Dying of cyrrhosis of the liver, or lung cancer or gasping for breath with COPD must be fucking horrible! If you want to die young there are much more pleasant ways to do it than that.

I want to be old, provided that I am at least fairly healthy with it.

I had my children relatively late in life (36 and 38). If they do the same, I'm not going to be a grandmother until I'm in my 70s.

I may not have any grandchildren of course but if I do I would like to see them grow up. It was a great sorrow to me that my parents didn't live to see my children become adults. They didn't die particularly early (82 and 88) but my children were still at school. My parents would have loved to hear about my children's university lives, and their jobs and career plans.