Argh, bloody secondary school friendship politics. WWYD?

[Lalallama]

DS (11) is due to start secondary school in September. The school is about 45-50 mins walk some along quite a busy road and some along quiet streets which may be dark in winter. I want him to walk with a small group of friends for safety (and he does too) especially during their first few weeks at secondary school. Two of his friends had a big falling out some time ago, and don’t speak to each other, and even their parents fell out about it. DS is a bit stuck in the middle but sees each friend separately and this has always been fine.

The problem is Friend A (Alan) wants to walk to school just with DS. Alan has form for non attendance and we think its highly unlikely he will be going in on time every day consistently (some complicated personal issues). We don’t want DS to walk to school only with him as on the days Alan doesn’t go in or is late, DS will be stuck walking on his own. Friend B (Bob) is happy for DS to walk with him and a couple of other friends, but doesn’t want Alan walking with them.

My solution was to just get DS to walk with Bob, but DS wants to walk with them both, as he doesn’t want to leave Alan in the lurch, as Alan doesn’t really have any other friends and would have to walk alone. Also Alan is the only person in DS’s form group who he knows, so he doesn’t want to annoy him by not walking with him.

I know how ridiculous this all sounds and I should probably leave them all to sort it all out, but DS is so anxious about it all, and I want to try to help him find an answer. I’m friends with both parents too, so I have already spoken to them but Bob’s parents are adamant they don’t want Alan walking with them. Alan’s parents really want Alan to walk with DS as it will help Alan settle in.

DS just wants everyone to be friends!

What would you do?

You can't force other boys to be friends, or parents to reconcile and you shouldn't even try. Your son's safety on the way to school is the most important thing from your POV, right? So this is a time when you put down your parental foot and say 'This is what you're doing' and have him walk with Bob (as the more reliable of the two options, if walking all three together is a no-goer.) He needs to make it plain that this is his parents' decision, not his, and maintain the two friendships separately out of school time.

If Alan's parents can't grasp that the best way for Alan to settle in is to actually show up every day, that's their lookout.
Have him walk with Bob.

Are they actually allowed to walk together in September? DC's school has stated in no uncertain terms that social distancing must be maintained out of school (yes, I know this is probably hopeful, but feel as a parent I should be at least encouraging this). Particularly a point to consider if the school has class (as opposed to year group) bubbles in year 7.

In London, a huge proportion of secondary aged children travel by tube. There's no policing that, I can assure you.

Thanks, you've both said exactly what I want him to do. Problem is this will effectively end our friendship with Alan's parents as they think the only way they can get him to willingly go into school is to walk with DS (Alan has had quite a traumatic past and massive anxiety about going to school). So then DS will have to deal with Alan in class every day. I am happy to go with this approach as DS's safety is my priority, but DS is really upset about it as he has been friends with Alan for years and down want to upset him.

RedskyAtnight DS's school have said they're doing year group bubbles. I think the Covid risk of them walking together is smaller than the risk of them all walking that route alone.

I don’t think it’s fair for Alan’s parents to put on your ds to ensure Alan gets to school. It’s their lookout as your son is a child.

Alan's parents as they think the only way they can get him to willingly go into school is to walk with DS
Why on earth do they think that??

Problem is this will effectively end our friendship with Alan's parents as they think the only way they can get him to willingly go into school is to walk with DS

That's unfortunate for Alan and his parents, but not your problem. And if their friendship with you is contingent upon your DS being a sort of school engagement/anti-truant officer for their DS, then it's a pretty instrumental sort of friendship, isn't it?

Your poor ds, I can see its a difficult situation. Is he better friends with Alan or Bob? Are there any other solutions? can you give him a lift for a couple of weeks to see how the situation pans out without him? My ds drifted away from his primary school friends quite quickly in yr 7 but I can see it would be awkward with Alan and his parents. I would pick Bob on balance, it would be best to walk with a few friends in case Bob is off sick.

Oh dear, I remember this when mine started secondary, years & years ago!

There was a lot of arranging being done by the kids, falling out at the end of year 6 because emotions were running high, parents deciding who their kids were going to walk with but other kids & parents not being that keen.

The daft thing was that a couple of weeks into year 7 & the friendship groups had changed and no one was walking with the people they'd started walking with!

Your DS's situation is complicated by what other people want, & it sounds like your DS wants to do the right thing for everyone. Can you talk to him about different scenarios, eg walk with Alan if that's what your DS wants, but also have back up plans for if Alan isn't going to school?
Might also be worth having a plan for if Alan is late- one of my DCs had anxiety & couldn't leave the house easily so if a friend was waiting & time was getting on we made it clear to her that the friend was entitled to give up waiting rather than both of them be late.
I'd suggest talking about how it's ok to walk with different people too but that if you've promised to walk home with someone you should stick to the plan etc.

We also practised the walk, and then DD proudly showed a worried friend the route. I think that helped for days they had to walk alone because they knew they could cope without a friend.

If you can make plans for the first few days that's probably the main thing. It's a big thing now but it'll be ok.

Thank you so much for all your comments. I've been stressing much more than I should be about this, I blame lockdown and the fact that DS hasn't been at school since March so he's more anxious than he might have been had they had transition activities as normal.

He's better friends with Alan, which is why he doesn't want to let him down. And Alan doesn't really have any other friends at the school (he's been homeschooled for three years). But I agree we have to put DS first, and it is unfair to lump responsibility for getting another child to school onto him, especially as he'll be nervous on his first day anyway.

Another solution we thought is to arrange to walk with Alan, but the first time he lets him down, that's it, DS will walk with Bob from then on. And if he's let down on the first day, we'll just have to walk him in.

We have an older DS already and we know that after a few weeks they'll have made new friends and will probably be walking in with different people anyway, but I just want to make the first couple of weeks as stress-free for DS as possible.

From what you’ve said, I’d let him start off walking with Alan, but try to downplay any form of commitment to his parents. Then just see how it goes, see if the friendships change in the first few weeks - which they very well might. The fact that they’re in the same form makes a difference imo, as well as the fact that he’d say he’s closer to Alan, and that that is who he thinks he should walk with. Bob sounds pretty flexible - would he be able to switch to walking with Bob on the occasion that Alan isn’t going to school?