How do I change the way DD speaks

[Settleandcalm]

She’s 10 and it appears in lockdown I have become a piece of filth under her shoe.

I get we have been through as intensely hard period of time but I REALLY REALLY badly react to how she speaks to me and the absolute disrespect. For example this evening I was extra nice gave her an additional programme before bed, she repaid it by screaming at me she needed a new toothbrush, pissing about “tidying” her room and then saying well you ASKED me to do it in a sarcastic tone, when clearly told I had meant earlier in the day she just goes on and on and on biting and snapping and turning it on me even though I was trying to sleep and not engage, until I lose my temper tell her just to go to bloody sleep and come downstairs leaving her alone.

So now I can hear she’s gone in and woken up the 8 year old And 6 year old for company and they are laughing. I can’t go upstairs or I swear to god I will lose my mind at all of them I’m so tired and angry.

I hate being alive and I have no idea how to gain any respect from her. I’m not lax as a parent but fuck me I'm so tired of trying.

I was brought up by my dad. If I showed him any kind of disrespect then I could fully expect to lose any privileges that I had. So no TV, no computer, no phone, no MP3 player (appreciate these aren't exactly a thing anymore) and no going out to see friends. This was before the times of tablets etc but they would have also been taken away. I also got given a massive pile of chores to earn these privileges back e.g. ironing and hoovering.

I understand it might seem a bit excessive fiven DD is 10 and in the about scenario I was 12/13 but I soon learned to show him some respect. We also have a very good relationship nearly 16 years later.

Consequences. What does she value? Screen time? Playing outside? Seeing friends? Sweets? Whatever her most valuable thing is- that’s your leverage. You need to sit her down, tell her her behaviour is unacceptable and stops immediately. Tell her that in future when she gives attitude or disobedience she will get one warning to apologise and change her behaviour or she will lose [whatever the thing is] and it won’t be given back until she has shown consistent change for X period of time.

Sounds like attention seeking behaviour. She's getting negative attention but it's still attention. Can you focus on positive attention, while spelling out exactly the consequences of her actions (they need to be fair and related to the action), and that its her choice to behave in that way now she knows the rules. Eg if you don't turn off the tv when it's time, no tv for the week.

You need to stick to the rules and not get upset or angry (its hard but you have to calm down), because she's pushing your buttons. No nagging or shouting, give her one 5 min warning that tv should be off or whatever, and if she ignores you it goes off and no screen time for the week. Clearly related and expected. She chose that outcome, not you.

I hope you did go up and tell her to get to bed. Whose the parent here?!

She doesn't do what she is told...she loses TV time. Etc etc.

I think reinforce some boundaries so she understands there’s a way to talk to you, that her behaviour isn’t ok.

It’s worth noting that it maybe partly with age and hormones changing- so try and nip it in the bud now so she knows moving forward that it won’t be tolerated.

I would be rewarding the other kids good behaviour and ignoring the 10 yo bad behaviour so she doesn’t get a reaction. So if she doesn’t clean her room, or shower, or give you her laundry that’s fine but then she’s the one who looks like the grotty one in front of her friends.

If she back chats you then tell her to stop otherwise you will take away / stop doing something for her. Mean it too. This might mean taking away a device but it could also mean stop helping her with her hair or buying her treats.

Sounds like attention seeking.

Must be hard in lockdown with 2 younger siblings.

At this point rather than ramping it up I'd see what I could do to get some mutual understanding. Time by herself etc.

Also the use of 'repays' is a bit jarring, not sure why.

Lockdown is hard. Both of mine are demanding attention in different ways and that's fair. They're not at school or seeing their friends. I'm ft WFH DH ft shift work. It's hard.

Cut her some slack. Try not to get at loggerheads with her. You say you text badly to her when she plays up. My mum did this. It wasn't great. When mine do this I think, this isn't an argument to have. She's the child. Talk to her. Negotiate a little. With the understanding that in the end, the adult calls the shots. Letting her get to you and reacting won't do either of you any favours at all.

I’ve a 10 year old and some of it sounds familiar. Mine messy around at bedtime, and everything is unfair. They always have a point to make.

The bedtime delaying would drive me insane. So now I’ve told him if he’s not in bed by 9, and if he gets out of bed no screen the next day. Took a couple of days of no screens and now he’s in bed.

I try to make sure I play a game with him when I can or cook together. We watch tick tocks together as well.