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Original poster

Helping parents move house

21 replies

CuteOrangeElephant · 23/07/2020 11:20

I'd like to know how other people have handled this.

How much help should a non elderly parent expect from their grown children (who have moved out already) when they are moving house? And how much would you expect the parent to do themselves?

Things like:

  • DIY and painting in the new house
  • Packing away belongings
  • Clearing the shed/attic/utility room
  • Cleaning the old house
  • Tidying the garden
  • Actually moving
  • Organising

I'd like to know whether I have set my boundaries right.

OP posts:
BereftOfInk · 23/07/2020 11:53

I did almost nothing. (But I did live in another country at the time) I wasn't consulted about the move in any way. They paid for removals to pack up the house and move them.

Oreocrumbs · 23/07/2020 12:01

My mum is preparing the house to go on the market at the moment, she is doing most of the work (decluttering, cleaning and so on) but I went to help her with some painting (she has done most of it, this was a big job) and I have taken her dog to live with me while the house is marketed. I've helped her arrange tradesmen, and listed and co ordinated giving away things on free bay and Facebook.

Mum will move in with me when the house is sold until she buys a new one. We aren't intending for this to be a long term situation, it's purely to make her chain free to get the house sold ASAP.

We have a great relationship, and my mum helps me out all the time, lots of babysitting and well anything I need really, so I'm happy to help her.

Oreocrumbs · 23/07/2020 12:02

When it comes to the actual moving day we will be all hands on deck, mum, my brother and my DD (aged 10) and me! And any family members and passing acquaintances I can rope in Grin

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Original poster
CuteOrangeElephant · 23/07/2020 12:35

So it sounds like your parents did a lot to help themselves!

I arrived here last week (move next week) and nothing was packed, the house is filthy, the garden overgrown and a mother who is solely focussing on doing DIY at the new house.

OP posts:
stellabelle · 23/07/2020 13:02

I'm probably your mother's age group, in my 60's . I've moved twice since my children grew up - once on my own and once with my 2nd husband. I didn't ask or receive any help from my adult children - both times I used a removal service to take everything to the new house. I packed everything in boxes myself, and unpacked at the other end ( with DH the second time of course - he is 80 btw ).

Your mother sounds pretty unorganised and entitled - why should other people do all the hard work ? I'm close to my children but I don't expect them to do this kind of thing for me.

HilaryBriss · 23/07/2020 13:15

My mum was 75 when she moved (downsized) so me and my brother did things such as:

  • Helped her pack belongings
  • Cleared the shed/garage/loft (and hired a skip for all the junk)
  • Went to the new house on moving day to unpack/sort out the furniture
  • Organised removals etc

She would never have managed on her own. If she was a few years younger and my dad was still here, we probably wouldn't have done half of that, they would have managed between them.

Dogsaresomucheasier · 23/07/2020 13:18

Expect would be cheeky, except to deal with crap they have left in the family home perhaps.

Any practical help given with good grace would, I’m sure, be appreciated.

Dogsaresomucheasier · 23/07/2020 13:26

Is your mum expecting to pay a professional cleaner/gardener/packer?
I was similarly invested in the new place when we moved, but I wasn’t expecting the moving fairy to pop over and do the boring bits.

crosstalk · 23/07/2020 14:00

Has your mother sold her present house or is it a rental?

3rdNamechange · 23/07/2020 14:04

Nothing , I wasn't asked. When we moved no help was offered nor did we ask.
Unless she's disabled in some way ?

DinosApple · 23/07/2020 14:28

I'd help with trips to the dump, getting shit out of the loft etc. I'd happily clean and hoover an empty house for my parents too. Mine would have cracked on with most of those things before I got there. Especially with a week to go!

Our next move the only thing I want them to do is have the DC for a couple of nights.

Dgall · 23/07/2020 14:37

I’d help with everything as much as I can fit in around work, and my parents do the same for us when we move house (A lot more frequently too!) but we have that kind of relationship, it’s expected to help out and lose several whole days, but it goes both ways completely. We ask for help from each other for everything, always have. However, this is the norm for us, and neither of us mind as it works out equal.

Tittie · 23/07/2020 15:25

Provided they're actually able to do it themselves, I don't think they should expect any help, just as I wouldn't and didn't expect it from my dad when I moved recently. Although it would probably be gratefully received. I would offer to help with a bit of decorating at the new place, cleaning (if it's in an ok state to begin with Grin), and perhaps the actual moving. Certainly not any organising!

Original poster
CuteOrangeElephant · 23/07/2020 16:49

@Tittie it is definitely not in an ok state. It's so grim. The utility room I don't think has been mopped for 15 years.

Coincidentally I am also moving next week and I already know I won't get any help. I'd be lucky if she will look after DS for me.

OP posts:
Tittie · 23/07/2020 17:54

Blimey @CuteOrangeElephant so you both move next week? I think that if you have a DS to look after, as well as your own house move/packing/cleaning, them you've got enough on your plate!

Original poster
CuteOrangeElephant · 23/07/2020 23:05

@Tittie it does look rather crazy when you look at it like that Confused

OP posts:
EL8888 · 23/07/2020 23:09

Very little. No one ever helps me move and lm trying to move as the moment so l would be helping others. My mum retired young, she’s more than capable even though she may not want to. But does anyone really want the hassle of moving?

@CuteOrangeElephant nah l wouldn’t get involved, your mum sounds lazy and entitled. The floor moping thing is also grim

Emmagen · 24/07/2020 00:35

My parents moved a couple of years ago, Mum was almost 50 and Dad was mid 50s so absolutely not elderly in any way. I looked through a few of my old things to see if I minded them being binned or sent to the charity shop the last time we were there before the move but otherwise did nothing. To be fair I lived over 3 hours away and was pregnant at the time!

Years ago though when my Nan moved she would have been mid to late 60s and she needed a LOT of help. it was a big house and had most of both Nan and Grandad's parents old things stuffed in there from when they'd cleared their old houses out. At least 4 full dinner services for example. Nan is a widow and not the most organised of people.

I was 18 and it was the summer between college and uni I spent about 2 weeks there everyday but I was following her direction and we didn't achieve much. My mum was there at the weekends helping her clear out her things as it was also a massive downsize. Luckily my aunt is the most organised and with it person I know and she came in for the final week and somehow made it all happen. We still had a house clearance company come in and take what we left and cleaners after the house clearance...

Her new house was a new build so needed nothing beyond my dad putting the curtains up. My aunt orchestrated and did everything on moving day including the basics of unpacking like setting up the kitchen.

So basically we did everything and she flapped around in the background. It didn't even seem odd at the time and yet she would only have been a few years older than my Dad is now and that just seems ridiculous.

You are moving house yourself and you have a young child. As an adult your Mum should be able to manage. Don't overstretch yourself! If she really can't manage can she hire help?

BarbedBloom · 24/07/2020 01:24

It depends I think. I can't do much now due to my disability and my husband has a manual job, so would be too tired to be moving anything on his day off. However, I will never help my mum move house now as she had offered to help us, we had arranged everything around that and then the night before, pulled out. It meant I had to do stuff I shouldn't do, my husband had to move heavy furniture on his own and I was bedridden for a month.

Next time, we are paying for movers!

BarbedBloom · 24/07/2020 01:26

Just to add, we couldn't afford movers at the time, were going to hire a man with a van and mum told us not to as she and her partner were happy to do it. Kept nagging until I cancelled man with a van. We didn't expect any help.

She is also a bit of a hoarder now and has way too much stuff. Plus there are four flights of stairs - no chance we would help even not for the above, it is too much.

DelphiniumBlue · 24/07/2020 01:46

Your mum is doing DIY at the new place. Even if she is not elderly, there is probably a limit to what she can do in a day. At 60, for example, you don't have the same strength or energy that you had at 30. If I did a days DIY, I wouldn't be able to do much at all in the evening, for exsmple.
Maybe she's finding it difficult to prioritize and focus, maybe she's a bit conflicted about the move.
If you are moving g yourself, you'll have very little free time to help her, so think about what you could do to make best use of your input- it's probably going to be organising and maybe arranging for help. If she is bothered about the garden, can you arrange for a gardener to come in? Although this is probably the lowest priority!
She's running out of time so what are the most urgent things to be done? Packing - she has to move her things out on moving day, so that's the most important. Cleaning, although nice, is not compulsory, so worry enough that once the packing is done. Help her to buy in help if there's enough money to do that; if not, encourage her to think about who might help voluntarily.
If you can't help, make that very clear at this stage, so that she knows she can't rely on you this time.

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