I know I'm not the only one, that many others have it far worse than us, and that we're lucky enough that money hasn't changed, but I can't pull myself out of it.
DH works ft from home, but his workload has gone up, and he's had about three single days off this year. So while he's at home, I've been 'caring' for our 2 dcs - although this is really hard. They both have Autism and are at special school, so when lockdown first started, I set up a little home school unit. DS1 wouldn't engage at all, and although DS2 started out doing really well with a routine, with 4 outside play times carefully scheduled to manage his ADHD, and he was responding and learning really well, after 6 weeks he decided that it was the summer holidays, and that was that. Since then, he won't do anything with me, won't go into the garden, but gets really bored and melts down every day.
Combined with that is that I spent 5 years housebound and bedbound, so, thinking I wasn't going to be able to continue with my job, I did a degree from my bed part-time. Halfway through that I recovered, so I finished it, did an MA, while producing a film, with the idea that it would help me get a job. And now, this. Chances of getting a job 0. so I started a company, which I'm now trying to do while looking after the boys. The house is a state, partially because I can't keep up with the mess and destruction of two autistic boys, who draw on walls when I'm not in the same room, leave the toilet and the bathroom in a state with soap, loo roll all over the place, even though we have key pads on the doors. The house is just depressing me - we need a new tumble dryer but can't afford one, the ceiling in our bedroom has a huge chunk out of it, but the house is owned by my stepmother and my dad (who has dementia) who rent it to us for what they think is cheap, but because it hasn't been decorated or updated in 30 years, is literally falling apart. DH says he's not paying to decorate a house that isn't his, while we're living with a kitchen that has no drawers, not enough storage space, and I just feel like I am actually going mad, as the youngest whines at me all day, stimming, the other one sleeps all day and stays awake at night, and I dread going downstairs to clean up a filthy kitchen again. DH works hard, cooks dinner, and puts the boys to bed, and I struggle to get through a load of washing a day. I beat myself up for not doing a good job as a mother, and for chasing a dream to become a filmmaker, but my domestic life is making me miserable, and I don't know how to combat it. Between March and September, we'll have had one day off from the boys going to school holiday club. And despite knowing I have little to complain about, most days I just want to cry, and then I feel sorry for DH who has to put up with an angry/grumpy/tearful me. Fuck.