Grey rock help

[slowlyfailingaway]

So I made the decision a while ago to grey rock a parent - not fully, but enough that there communication or prescience doesn't send me into An anxiety attack.... I am following grey rock to the extent that I give very little information so just yes we're good thanks! When asked how everyone is, and basic info on the kids, and only keeping visits to a minimum. Obviously with covid there has been zero visits and communication much less which in honesty has been so nice... but now we are starting to come out of lockdown a little bit I am already getting comments about when they are able to take my kids somewhere or just have them for the day. This isn't something I want to happen really? They have never looked after my children before and before lockdown the constant asking was getting too much. How do I keep up without causing major issues? I can't go full grey rock and I can't just outright say no I don't want you to look after them.

I think my question is has anyone been able to keep up a fairly mild form of grey rock?

Erm don't know about this grey rocking business but have a solution. Just always have something else on. Be busy and very flaky with regard to them attempting to make any arrangements. Don't answer calls or texts very promptly. Let them down last minute. Just be crap. 'Forget' stuff. Then smile and say, 'Soz' Have guests down and be in company when they are likely to call. Go out a lot.

Or be forced into isolation...

Or be forced into isolation...

Following with interest as we have a similar situation with a family member asking to have the DC, which I don't ever want to happen. However it's hard to say no without causing more drama/arguments and DP doesn't want to cause upset as he still loves this person.

So I'm not much help, but I sympathise!

What's the point of staying in contact if you're not getting anything out of it and it's causing you anxiety?

My friend fuelled her kids up on energy drinks before sending them to someone who she couldn't say no to.

The kids were so full of beans and dreadfully behaved that the relative tried to wriggle out every time friend "suggested" that they'd had such a smashing time and could they come again soon please

Re: grey rock, just be blandness personified. Conversation topics: the dog, weather, garden, weather, Tories (the only thing we agree on), what's for supper, weather, laundry tips etc.

@rosiethehen I am talking about one of my parents, and I love them a lot, they are just incredibly hard to get along with and make me feel about an inch tall the majority of my life. It's sounds shit I agree but the fallout if I didn't speak to them again would be so much worse.

@LolaColaMola interesting that your in a similar boat, I always feel so alone when I hear about the wonderful relationships other people have with their parents. Before lockdown we would visit occasionally for dinner and be very aloof with making arrangements, but now I have gone a step further with limiting texts and things I'm worried it's going to be harder.

@veryvery this is along the lines of what was happening before lockdown I'm just worried because it's been a long time the asking us going to get a lot more intense and wanting to know why she's never had the kids, I've always managed to put it off before, I will keep going 'forgetting to reply' and hope she never outright asks!

Op no one has the right to make you feel an inch tall. It's your life.
. How awful this was a parent... Dh dp do the same it's hideous.dh did grey rock before he met me. I'd never known of this sort of person so I bumbled in being all open... Sharing, including... Big mistake. HUGE.

I went grey rock too... As pp said... Lag on emails, calls... Busy, flaky. Depends how nasty they have been because it's also quite cruel.

Dh have been beyond the pale.
There is no other way.

Fade out essentially but will be tougher if the dp only has you etc...

Covid, has been a blessing on this front... Perhaps make up excuses due to covid...

It's wonderful not to have to see people who make you feel this bad anymore.
I know we all take responsibility for how we feel, but with some people it's easier to do than others.
Some people are so awful it's very hard to be with them at all.

You’re not alone by any means, that’s what the Stately Homes thread on the relationships board is all about, support and advice or just a place to vent.

Grey rocking takes some of the stress away in that you feel you have a coping mechanism but it’s not a way to feel in control as you’re still in danger of getting ambushed. You know yours is coming, but not when. One of my siblings did what you’re doing and eventually got an an absolute stinker of a letter when the parent got frustrated. Your parents might go the other way and just lose interest and stop asking.

PP’s are right, the key is to be vague and not very available. Keep meetings brief and with loads of distractions, have other commitments. The sim is not to punish them, it’s to protect yourself.

The sad thing is you wouldn’t let a friend treat you like this, but we seem to think it’s ok from family? Good luck, it’s not easy.

Responding with Gifs works as good deflection. I have a person who constantly demands things or detailed information from me. I leave it a few days and then post a gif and say something like “this reminds me of...hahah”. Then don’t reply to the response. Basically deflect but seem lighthearted about it.

@fanthorpe what happened after the letter? I'm quite sure they won't get bored as they want to see my kids, but I want to keep this as every now and then for an afternoon with us or similar. The stately home thread has helped me a lot to be honest.

I know it's not an ideal way to live, I'm hoping that keeping my distance will keep it from affecting my own health to be honest. I can't see a way to cut out completely, although I'm not the only person they have, and I'm also not the only one who has cut ties to an extent.

I like the gif idea @Frozenfrogs86 I will give that a go

The sibling was devastated, but took the letter at face value and hasn’t contacted them since. I’ve also stopped contacting them after a few attempts to get them to admit they might have made a mistake sending the letter, which they were furious about and (very bizarrely) accused me of orchestrating the whole thing. I’d spent all my life appeasing them and trying to fix relationships but I realised (through Stately Homes and therapist friends) what was happening. There’s no middle way for most of us, it’s just about when and how you withdraw from the damage continuing. I turned myself inside out, but I realised if I didn’t support my sibling I would be complicit in the damaging behaviour.
I think about it every day.

It's very sad but outside the bonds of usual caveats... If my dds didn't want me around and I wanted to be around them more, the onus is very much on me to be inward looking and retrospective.

The onus is on me to work out why they don't want to see me.