I have a friend who is quite a bit older than me; because of things going in my life when I met her I looked up to her as a mum figure and she provided me with a lot of stability and guidance that I was sorely lacking . I’m high functioning autistic, I was a young carer and when I met her was very much alone. I think I became very dependant on her over time .
I’m late twenties now and I feel I shouldn’t ‘need’ her as much; we don’t see each other so often, she’s always so busy, it’s always me making contact first and I’m starting to feel a complete idiot for still trying
She usually emails back eventually saying, keep in touch, etc but the more time goes on the more I think it’s all very one sided . I feel so bloody stupid and embarrassed . Used to talk to her at least once a month and I desperately miss that .
I can’t tell her what I’m feeling as I don’t think she will understand - I want to try and fix this alone, but I’m not sure how . If I could maybe learn to depend/care for myself? I haven’t got friends as such, or family that are able to talk/listen ... so was heavy reliant on that contact from her, it was the only time someone seemed to care about me, she always said lovely things and she never seemed to want anything back .
I think I thought she liked me and now I’m thinking that was probably never the case . Not sure if you would call it a crush or something daft like that .
How do I fix this ? I haven’t said anything to her, I think that would make it worse . Never talked to anyone in ‘real life’ and wondering if I should , if that would somehow help .