You didn’t hear this from me....

[Howareya]

Does anyone have friends who say this all the time? I realised last week that a local mum I’m friendly with always adds this to any conversation we have along with, “don’t quote me”, “don’t repeat this”. Most of the time it’s pretty innocuous stuff we’re talking about.
I then remembered another friend would always say this to me, though she would always say don’t repeat this and I’d say of course not, and I didn’t.
I’m honestly not a gossip, in fact, second friend said to me on a couple of occasions, I never hear you talk about other people. (Though that may seem ironic given this thread).

I can only think maybe these women have had a bad experience in the past that make them feel they have to say this.

Has anyone else encountered this?

I have a colleague who finishes most sentences with ‘not that you heard it from me naturally’ (or words to that effect).

When they start with 'dont repeat this' just stop her and say hang on, are you supposed to be telling me this

Look appalled and say ‘Why are you telling me so?’

Ugh...I genuinely hate gossips. Toxic people. They always say this kind of thing, they want to spread other people’s (often upsetting) news but don’t want to suffer the ramifications.

In lockdown I’ve been avoiding two of them who keep calling me. I know it’s just to get gossip from me or pass it on.

The last time one of them said someone called them up especially to ask lots of questions about me and if I’d been breaking the lockdown rules . When they replied that I was being very strict this mystery third party was apparently “very impressed and I went up in their estimation of me” . Now the person speaking to me is twice my age so it’s not like we have friends in common. When I asked who this person was who called up especially to enquire about me Lockdown behaviour she refused to tell me. She said “oh I can’t go into all of that. I don’t want to say”. Which left me really bloody paranoid! She constantly says “Now. You didn’t get this from ME.”

I’ve started saying “I’ll stop you there. Please don’t tell me.” If they push or want me to respond, I’m just very clear that I won’t play part in gossip or give my opinion on whoever it is they want me to slag off.

They get really nervous. Even sometimes say, “oh no. You think I’m horrible. I didn’t mean to be...I was only saying...ok I won’t tell you again...” and then usually do but I just rinse and repeat but then I just keep saying “I’m not comfortable talking about x. Can we change the subject?”

I’m a “The Vault”. I’m currently keeping two pregnancies secret for other people. With one of them even the grandparents don’t know yet.

My Grandmother was the “Village Vault”, knew everyone’s secrets, took them to the grave. She was pretty much universally known as a saint. The only people that had a bad word to say about her were the village gossips!

I’m a “The Vault”. I’m currently keeping two pregnancies secret for other people. With one of them even the grandparents don’t know yet.

Oh yes. My two best friends told me about their pregnancies before they told their husbands!

Are you just talking about gossip - or 'sharing news' (as you say most is pretty innocuous stuff), or are you just hating anyone using either phrase ?

Like CrispSnatcher on page one - I say 'don't quote me on this' as I too have a pretty poor memory, but sometime think some advice might be helpful, and remember hearing X,Y, or Z, but am pointing out it might be worth going to look up the detail of what I'm telling them, to be sure it is right in the detail, or is right up to date or whatever.

I've also used the "you didn't hear this from me" when in a work situation, when we are supposed to "present the official line" but I know there is an alternative that might suit the family better. It's about letting someone have the information that will help them in their situation, when Management don't really want that snippet shared. It is done with integrity and the best of intentions.

Some people defend gossiping with 'well you didn't tell me not to say anything

Yes! I had a friend who did this! She used to tell me the most outrageously personal stuff about her friends that they in no way would want her to pass on. I would say, ' you really shouldn't be telling me that', and she would get all huffy and say, 'well they didn't tell me not to tell anyone'. It was just a crappy way to betray confidences and still feel ok about herself!

@StCharlotte Haha, yep been there too! For some reason, I’m often the person asked to be there when they do a pregnancy test.

Right now one of the husbands doesn’t know that I know so I’m having to pretend I don’t know until 12 weeks. He’s older and they had difficulty in conceiving so it’s very hard not to grin inanely at him because I’m just so damn happy for them both. I’m literally counting down everyday till 12 weeks (15 days to go!). Also people asking me why my two pregnant friends are not meeting up now we all can and I’m all “Erm...I think she’s badly asthmatic” or “Shielding grandma”, and then trying to remember which excuse I used for which pregnant woman.

It’s exhausting being The Vault, isn’t it?

@BackforGood I suppose it’s a mixture of both really, maybe everyday stuff and sometimes maybe ‘gossip’, not unpleasant, but both types of news are always followed up with, don’t quote me etc.
It’s interesting reading these replies, I think everyone gossips to a greater or lesser degree. But I always take view if there is something you don’t want people to know, don’t tell anyone.

It’s also made me think, maybe this friend doesn’t think I’m trustworthy. Which I guess is fair enough but like other PP, I think, don’t mention things.
I do tend to overthink things, and often worry I’ve said the wrong thing or offended people (when I probably haven’t) so I am quite guarded with what I share with others. I do have friends that I really trust, but some things I like to keep to myself.

Though I have to say, being perimenopausal means I have a terrible memory these days, which is probably a good thing, like the PP
who has gossip amnesia!