If you were TTC for a while and it didn’t work, how did you reach the decision to stop? (Secondary infertility)

[Tiletiletile1]

I have been TTC for 20 months now and have just turned 40 (last month). I’ve had blood tests that have come back normal, but the gp isn’t willing to do much else except test DH’s sperm. (We can’t afford IVF and she keeps talking about “my age” so there isn’t anything else my GP is willing to do.)

I know I need to stop for the sake of my own mental health (!) as every day I think about it. But I don’t know how to let it go and just walk away from all the ovulation tests and the tracking etc etc.

I know I could just “casually” carry on, but I can’t as I am just not that sort of person!

If you stopped trying, how did you come to terms with the decision to stop?

Bumping for you op! No idea myself I'm afraid.

When you say blood tests I'm guessing you mean to screen for issues? Have you had an AMH/ovarian reserve test?

I think if it were me I might get that privately. They're not stupidly expensive and might give you some idea.

I'm in your boat to an extent - wavering about giving fertility treatment another whirl. A few years ago my AMH was good for my age, and I think if it's dropped dramatically that might make the decision for me.

Thank you babylama

sarahandquack my GP is so disinterested. It was the day 3-5 and day 21 of the cycle blood test. I rang to get results and they said “no issues”, and asked for the results to be sent and they, apparently, don’t do that. I could probably push to get the exact results if I go in maybe? But I don’t even know what they’d mean! I think I had my FSH and LH tested. But not the egg reserve - how is that measured?

I have been toying with the idea of seeing someone privately, tbh, as my GP is so dismissive. She has implied a few times that I’m simply too old now. I suppose that’s a reason and she might be right!

Please don’t let the GP just dismiss is - Can you change GP’s or see someone else?

My SIL was in the same position as you last year and of a similar age. They both went to the doctors and got sent for various tests, and they got offered IVF - It was a success first time and they are due their first baby in a couple of months.

I’ve been trying for a baby for a year now, with 2 miscarriages in between. I did get carried away with the whole tracking ovulation and testing. It was taking over my life and I was constantly thinking about it, but one month I just said to myself that was enough and we would just give it a break for a while as I needed to mentally have a break from it all. I have started using the ovulation calculators again online as a rough idea but I’m not going to get myself carried away just yet with the testing and everything.

Thank you, doingitforthefrill! That’s interesting about your SIL. I am pretty sure I wouldn’t be eligible for IVF on the nhs as it’s secondary infertility for me. But I will go back and ask to speak to another gp.

Good luck to you as well - it’s such an all-consuming thing, isn’t it? I find it hard to plan things - even new work opportunities - without taking into account the possibility of a baby or pregnancy etc.

I hope you get there soon

You are entitled to your results they are part of your medical records they can make a small charge max £10 for photocopying them you can then take results to another practitioner can you afford private tests even if not ivf

I'm pretty much in your situation. We've been trying for number 2 for 18 months and I was 40 last month. I said I didn't want to give birth after age 40 so that means we've got another 2 months until we stop trying. I've had blood tests, swabs and a pelvic ultrasound and DH has had sperm analysis and there's no medical reason we can't conceive. As it's secondary infertility there's nothing else the GP can do but he was quite encouraging and said we should keep trying and it should happen. I'm at the point where it's having a negative impact on my mental health now in that I get very low when my period comes each month. I'm fed up of tracking and taking ovulation tests and having sex on a schedule. I think after the next 2 months if we're not pregnant we'll try just having lots of unprotected sex until the end of the year - maybe a more relaxed approach will work! That would be 2 years trying and at that point DH will get the snip so we can't keep torturing ourselves. I can empathise, accepting we won't give DD a sibling is heartbreaking.

Oh hello me too!
40, I have two children but can't get pregnant again. Unexplained. I think I'm stressed and old!
GP was useless. I went private to get the other tests done. I also went to an acupuncturist who has been incredible. So knowledgeable and she suggested getting a full thyroid and hormone test (I did it through thriva but a private clinic would do it). My thyroid is low so I've been on medication for six months but no luck yet. Have you checked your thyroid?
So we went down the iui route. It's way less costly and expensive than ivf. Still waiting but I feel like my period will come boo. We may try again but that's another £800. Urgh. We originally were going to give up by Jan gone but here we are still trying. No advice other than thyroid and go private to get the other tests. I just felt like I wanted to make sure there wasn't anything wrong which may help me get some form of closure I hope ie I tried everything and it just wasn't to be. I'm really sorry. It's very hard isn't it. I also feel sad because it feels like a chapter of my life has come to an end without me wanting it to. And I'm getting older.

Not secondary infertility for me, unexplained, no children for me. I think you just know when it's time to stop trying. I got to the point where I just couldn't mentally deal with it anymore and stopping felt like a relief. I do feel though that part of that was exhausting all medical avenues. I felt that I had to know that I did all I could.

Now, personally feel too old & have too many chronic health problems for children anyway which makes not trying anymore easier to swallow.

I really don't know. After the third miscarriage I decided to relax a bit, enjoy that glass of wine not worry so much about what I ate all the time. I have asked a similar question before and the general concensus is that time helps but it's not something you get over easily.

My first iui has failed. Not sure what to do. I have no answers op as to how to shut the door. I feel like I could probably keep trying for another few months but I originally thought 40 was my cut off. Have you had any more thoughts?

After eighteen months I went for blood tests which were normal and eXH went for sperm analysis which came back abnormal. TBH he’d had similar result the first time and we still ended up falling pregnant naturally.

After that I kind of resigned myself to not having any more but didn’t use contraception and just figured that if it happened then it happened. But I wasn’t open to the idea of IVF for multiple reasons: the emotional stress; the cost; but more importantly the thought that once you get on that rollercoaster it must be hard to get off. It was all very well saying that we would only try once, but what if there were more embrio’s could I destroy them and move on? Etc etc so we didn’t go there. And I already had one Dc so I figured that it was important to realise what I already had rather than wondering about what I wanted but couldn’t have.

Then I went away for a couple of days, and while I was away I realised that I had spent far to long thinking about all of this, that DS was getting older, I didn’t necessarily want a massive age gap, and that I wanted to go back to work. Came home and told eXH down to going back on contraception. Just because you haven’t got pregnant doesn’t mean you couldn’t so I made a definite move to make sure that didn’t happen.

A couple of years later me and eXH divorced. Being a single parent to two children would have been so much harder. Ironically eXH had a child with his DP very soon into their relationship so I do wonder whether he just assumed he couldn’t, even though he already had once, but that’s their business...

And a couple of years ago I discovered I have a genetic heart condition which I could have passed on to any children. If I’d known then what I know now I actually wouldn’t have had children at all, but I have DS and I am grateful for that, and as they grow up your life changes and you realise that different things become important.

The idea of having a baby probably for the last ten years or so is one which fills me with horror, even though before then I really wanted one...

I would book a private consultation at a fertility clinic.

And ask your GP if they would consider Clomid. I conceived twice on that age 38 (the month after the month I took it) but sadly miscarried twice.

Acupuncture can help loads but make sure the therapist is a fertility specialist.

We had IVF for both our kids and our infertility was unexplained. We were always told that IUI offered little advantage over trying naturally when it's unexplained infertility.

Hope you get your BFP sdra, OP and all the others trying.

I too recommend seeing someone privately. It's not as expensive as you might think. My first appt was £120 I think. Get your amh and thyroid checked. You could ask the gp to do the thyroid one (needs to be under 2.5 for ttc, usually needs to be below 4 I think in case the gp doesn't know that).

I have secondary infertility too and have had two failed rounds of ivf so far. I'm not ready to give up yet. It's a shit life though. I feel bad for my daughter that she has to put up with such a grumpy stressed out mum.

There's also supplements, but again expensive! Read it starts with the egg if you want to go down that route.

Sorry I disappeared on this thread for a while - I have been reading and really, really appreciating your shared stories and advice.

I’ve been feeling a bit sorry for myself the last few days, which is why I haven’t been back on.

I do wonder about IUI? Or clomid? I haven’t read “It Starts with the Egg”, I will seek it out! One last go and then I will find a way to be happy and at peace with no baby and dig back into work properly! And hobbies!

Yep, you might be prescribed clomid privately. I was. Fair enough if you're ready to give up but there are options that aren't ivf. Ivf is bloody expensive but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. People kept telling me to keep trying other methods but I regret listening to them telling me to leave it longer. Just writing that in case it's useful to anyone who happens soon your thread. I'm not saying you should remortgage your house and do ivf or anything!