Completely burnt out - how can I come back from this?

[ToLiveInPeace]

I've worked my ass off for years in a stressful local authority role. Lockdown has tipped me over the edge - work-life balance became impossible (though I'm now trying to work more sensible hours) and now I feel utterly burnt out.

My focus and sharpness have vanished and I'm completely disorganised. I'm getting very behind and losing interest in the many, many things I need to keep an eye on.

I just spent a week's leave mostly in bed but it didn't help. I'm only sleeping a few hours a night and various stress-related health problems (inc fibromyalgia) are flaring. I'm working from home for the foreseeable future (husband is shielding) but I've started walking for an hour each evening, which is the best part of my day.

I have some flexibility in my role, but apparently no ability to harness that to look after myself. I'm fairly senior in a very niche field, so moving job isn't currently an option. I'm leading our pandemic recovery, so I need to perform well, given likely job cuts coming, and taking sick leave would really undermine me. I'm also the breadwinner due to DH's health problems, so I need to keep working.

What can I do? Have you managed to recover from burn out?

Have you spoken to your GP?

Is your boss a good one? If so, talk to them. It's not just the responsibility of an individual to manage stress, your employer also has a duty of care and just on a human level I would hope she/he would want to see you flourish rather than wilt.

I am in a similar position to you (niche in public sector) and I am lucky to have an amazing team who have recently pulled together to support a colleague who was struggling for lots of similar reasons to you. Am so proud of us all and our line manager was at the front of all this. Hopefully you have a good leader too.

On and off about stress. They keep offering sick leave but I daren't risk it. I don't tend to get on with antidepressants which are their other option.

I know I need to take better care of myself and have better boundaries. I'm working on that now but so much is ingrained, I think.

I appreciate that I've ruled out a lot of options here - I feel really stuck. Time off work would be an absolute last resort...

I think you know this but unless you change something it's not going to get better on its own. Your situation is one I've found myself in and it's horrible.

Admit to yourself that you haven't failed and do one or more of the following:

• Get more support in the workplace either from management or do more delegation.
• Medication, have a chat with your GP about short and long term optio

I think you have to set clear boundaries - stick to your hours only - no sneakily looking at emails at 10pm etc. Set strict limits - 8am-6pm? And totally switch off outside of those hours.
Can DH do the housework or at least the majority of it?
Do you have children to home school etc?

Look up Miracle Morning - it might seem counterproductive to get up early but just try it - set daily goal lists, exercise (10 minute yoga) self care (basic shower/grooming) - it focuses your mind and is calming and peaceful. You will sleep better too.
No devices after 8pm
Google ashwagandha supplelement - amazing for anxiety/stress/mood Ditto apple cider vinegar supplement for energy.
Are you peri- menopausal?

Sorry forgot to tell you that ashwagandha really helps with focus, clarity, memory, on the spot decision making etc.

Hi OP. I can really relate to your post. I was the same about a month back. What helped me was going out in the garden with a notepad and pen every evening and writing down all my worries/to-dos etc. Get it all out of my head. THEN went for a walk.

Thank you all for your very kind replies and apologies for my slow one. FurrySofa, we cross-posted yesterday, so I wasn't ignoring your message!

After an awful, useless day yesterday, I decided to take the advice about speaking to my boss and colleagues. Just before I saw my boss on screen, I lost my shit and cried through most of the meeting. So now I'm on sick leave anyway and all I've told my team is that I won't be in. I've been crying on and off all day and it's ridiculous. It's obvious I will need to talk to my GP too.

Support is difficult because everyone is under pressure (my boss's job looks like hell and he's vaguely but not effectively supportive) but I will think about help and delegation. I'm 42 and don't think I'm perimenopausal yet, just utterly exhausted.

I'm also looking at other suggestions (no devices after 8pm will clearly be a challenge!) and the supplements. It's very true that this won't get better on its own. Boundaries and doing less on my own are clearly needed.

@ToLiveInPeace it really isn't ridiculous. You are in a place of stress and everyone deals with this differently, all anyone can do is acknowledge their own situation and seek to make a change. But things MUST
change- perhaps focus on one thing at a time that can be done differently? Sorry that you are feeling so low

I don't have any suggestions OP other than I feel very similar right now. I know something has to change but I'm not quite sure what.

That sounds crap, @ToLiveInPeace. If you’ve been crying in a meeting and crying all day, then it sounds like you are definitely at the point where being on sick leave is absolutely the right thing. It sounds like you are also suffering from a sense of stigma around taking the sick leave - can you try to think of it as being justified like you’d take sick leave for the flu?

Have you had any leave at all since Covid, apart from your week in bed? If not, it’s not surprising you are burnt out, given your role has been on the Covid response.

Other thoughts:

Does your LA have a workplace counselling offer? My public sector employer has counselling we can offer, as well as a range of other things to support health & wellbeing, which they’ve actually upped because of Covid.

Would you benefit from some coaching as a way through feeling over-whelmed? It sounds like you don’t know where to start - coaching could help with that. I’ve actually had a few months with a really good work coach myself recently, who is used to working with senior people - happy to give you her details in a PM? An exploratory discussion with her might help decide if it would be useful?

Is there anyone you trust at work you could discuss specifics with? Eg a trusted peer? It does sound like you need to delegate more, say no more, put firm boundaries around working hours, but feel you can’t do that because of the threat of job cuts. Ironically, aren’t those things MORE likely to result in you performing better, not less? If you feel you aren’t performing well now anyway, doing those things could actually lead to an improvement in your performance, not a deterioration. Discussing with someone who knows your context might help work out what’s possible to implement in your situation.

Finally, going back to your GP definitely sounds like a good part of your options too - it could be that talking therapies could help (CBT?), or maybe there’s a pill which would help you get through this phase without too many side effects (you mentioned you don’t get on with ADs, but perhaps there’s one you haven’t tried which might help in this situation).

Good luck - I guess the first good thing is that you’ve recognised there’s a problem, which is the first step in helping yourself get through it.

I think by the sound of it you are at the point where you don't have a choice about whether you're going to have to take sick leave because if you try battling on your body will force it on you. And the longer you try to keep going the longer you're likely to need to recover. It is possible to come back from burnout and I know people who have done so and gone on to flourish. Covid is an intense stressor and there should be absolutely no shame in being affected by that. It's tough when people in your team and community have been depending on you but it sounds like the best thing you can do for them right now is take care of yourself and recover thoroughly so you can go back again.

For me, it’s all about what I do when I’m not working.
Phone/iPad aren’t great for stress levels/sleep
Telly slightly better but still bad
Pretty much anything else, great. I don’t want to sound glib and suggest a hobby, but something to clear your mind that you have to concentrate (lightly on). Cooking/cleaning/reading whatever.
When I was in sick with stress I was advised to plan, shop and cook for one day at a time because it gave me a purpose but also something to think about other than just stress.

As pp said, see if they offer counselling. That’s what got me through my burnout. Think I cried through all 8 sessions, but felt so much better afterwards.

Things I’ve done since: have a clear division between work and home (not easy WFH) but for me it is either an exercise session or a walk; Strangely, being more rigid with my working hours has helped also. I also did more of a hobby which totally absorbed more (sewing) which shut out the otherwise constant work thoughts.

Hope you find some solutions long term that work for you.

Just came to say I’ve been a in a very similar position. Put your own health first. If you can talk it through with a friend, partner or healthcare professional, you’ll feel better. Your body - and mind - can only deal with being in “fight or flight” mode for so long. If you can, try and think of steps you can take to shift to a less responsive role - even if for a short period. Your boss is obviously also under pressure but you being so obviously upset should be a massive red flag that should be taken seriously and longer term changes made (is it possible to have a shift pattern with someone else, so you’re not constantly on and you get comfort that some one is picking up the stuff that’s coming in while you’re not “on”?)

I work in a highly niche position. Lower management sort of a level. My role is very different post —Covid. And not in an easier way.

The last 3 recruitment exercises in my dept have totally failed to get anyone remotely qualified, let alone experienced. And that’s jobs ranging from assistant up to senior level. No one.

So I comfort myself with the thought that in all probability, if I d burn out, management damn well know they will never get anyone with even half my experience. So hopefully, logically it makes good business sense tomake sure I don’t burn out, and if I do that I get help to recover.

(Hollow laugh) but it might be worth pointing that out to your Boss.

How about a walk at the start of your day to clear your head.
Sounds like you're running on adrenaline which heightens senses and minimises cognitive function.
Basically when you're stressed, your brain doesn't work as well.
I had some CBT and it all stems down to will stress make this any better? The answer is always no.
So before I tackle anything stressful, I take 5 minutes to calm down.
I used to have a cigarette first and when I stopped that was the thing I missed most.

I second getting some counselling support. Maybe try finding someone who works with trauma. Your burnout sounds a bit like you're traumatised. If you don't get support you'll end up with complete burnout and won't be able to help anyone. Do you have any supportive friends as well? You sound a bit like you're someone that gives all the time, so you need some balance.

I'm so pleased to hear that you've taken sick leave as this is what you are - ill!

Echo pp saying that your employer is responsible for your safety and that includes your mental health / stress levels.

Mid term, when you've taken as much time as you need now to come back down to Earth, you need to lean on your boss to be a big part of a solution. If there is too much work / responsibility then delegate or even recruit, even temporary assistance to help.

If not, leave. Honestly, you need to soften the stance that you can't possibly do anything apart from that job.

I had a similar breakdown a long time ago and the thought of taking time off was terrifying and leaving was completely out of the question.

But I ended up doing both things and it all worked out in the end.

Since then, I am much better at realising it is only a job. Someone else can and will do it if they have to. You can only do what you can do and it's up to your employer to fill any gaps / provide support for you when asked.

If they won't do that, then leave. It's not worth this just for a job.

Ps loads of therapists work online so that isn't a barrier to finding someone. Counselling Directory or Psychology Today have loads of therapists.

OP, I’ve been through this and tried to push though, but really suffered for a very long time because of it. 10 years of CFS/ME. As you already have fibromyalgia you need to take action now to avoid something similar.

My advice to you would be to accept you need some time off and spend it really focussing on you. Cut down as far as you can on demands and activities - including internal demands you place on yourself.

See a good therapist.

Start either mindfulness meditation or hypnosis for relaxation at least once a day. You really, really need to be actively engaging the relaxation response as much as possible. You are probably stuck far too much in fight or flight, and recovery won’t happen until you break that.

Every day do something restorative for you - eg, a creative hobby, etc. It’s so helpful to do something that gets you into a state of flow. This is so relaxing even if you’re doing something, as it switches off the mind chatter that is so pressuring, and also will contribute to a sense of mastery.

Get outside in nature at least once a day.

Make sure you’re getting optimal nutrition. Supplements if need be - a good multi vit and mineral including magnesium and vit d. Good quality fish oils.

Don’t underestimate the power of laughter. It’s really healing. Opportunities for live comedy are limited currently, but comedy shows will be available online.

Acupuncture is great for calming the body and reducing stress, if you’re comfortable with seeing somebody at the moment.

Above all, a change in mental attitude is vital. You need to allow yourself to rest. By resting you are not being lazy, you are being responsible by giving your mind and body its best possible chance to heal.

Good luck.

Can I also suggest asking your GP to run blood tests for things like anaemia, thyroid function, etc? Its possible there's an undiagnosed deficiency rumbling quietly away. I suspect they'd do that anyway just to rule it out, but just in case they don't suggest tests. Bug hugs to you, you sound absolutely flattened x

I’ve been in your shoes, OP.

I went to the GP, who promptly signed me off and put me on Setraline.
To allow my brain to switch the darn off, I was in a perpetual state of alert.

I also went to counselling.
I tidied and reorganised my entire house, I find it therapeutic. I’m also one of those people who can’t sit down and do nothing, so a bit of cleaning was perfect for me.

I got into a routine. Shower and coffee, clean clothes every day.
I borrowed a bike off a friend for a few weeks and cycled around the town.
I discovered mindfulness and started meditating.
I went for a walk on the beach every evening, then graduated to swimming in the sea every evening.
I wrote whatever crossed through my mind in a diary.

It’s a long process, but you’ll get there