I'm such a useless Mum

[istheresomethingwrongwithme]

I'm finding motherhood such hard work and doing a completely rubbish job of it.

I've got 2 DS's, one is 15 months the other is nearly 3. I'm a SAHM and we have no childcare at the moment due to coronavirus and DH is works full time, so it's me and them most of the time. DH plus his weight when he's around, but he's reasonably stressed running a business through coronavirus so I don't want to put too much on him at home.

They just seem to be 'on' all the time and and I can't keep up. They are both bolters, and now the youngest is on the move it's just a nightmare. Yesterday we met friends at a park and my eldest disappeared off down by the lake. He was there one minute and then gone the next, it wasn't for long but that's not the point and it just makes me feel so crap. They are both constantly buggering off everywhere we go and I can't go two minutes without chasing after them. I've got a double buggy so at least I can strap them in when we're walking to places, going through car parks etc, but then they whinge because they just want to be out and going all the time.

They are constantly eating and dirty. Always asking for snacks and I give in just to get some peace, then they're covered in food. Always seem to find the puddles/mud/sand so they're instantly filthy the minute we go anywhere.

When the youngest isn't doing a disappearing act, he's clingy and just not content. Only ever happy for five minutes or so until someone breathes too close to him or blinks at him and he's upset. Hangs off me at home but then I can't keep hold of him when we're out.

They fight. They seem to have this love hate relationship where they can't live with each other but can't live without each other. They like each other, but they can't leave one another alone and I'm constantly breaking them up.

Eldest wakes up at about 4:30am every day and doesn't nap. I can cope with the early start but it means he's grumpy because he's tired. They both go to sleep beautifully in the evenings, but both wake up separately during the night so I'm knackered. The no nap is fine but it just means it's a hell of a long day from 4:30am until they're both in bed at 7.

Eldest has a speech delay, although he is making good progress now I think. He's also a mega fussy eater and that has got worse during coronavirus. Youngest will eat anything and has a fantastic diet, so at least that's something I suppose. He naps well too. They are both having way too much screen time just so I can get through the days.

I thought this would start getting easier, but it never does. I've been awake for hours crying and just thinking how everything I try and do with them ends in disaster. We have always done lots of toddler groups, meeting with friends, swimming, park etc, but I'm just feeling now like I don't want to take them places with others anymore because my life is such a disaster and other Mums surely can't enjoy meeting up with us. I don't think I enjoy it anymore either because I'm just permanently chasing after them, apologising for them, feeding them and trying to stop world war three breaking out. My two best Mum friends have toddlers and newborns, I thought I'd be helping them out as mine are older now, but nope, it's still me needing the help all the time.

I love my boys, I honestly do, but this is so hard and I'm doing a shit job. Sorry for the rant, I don't really know what I am expecting anyone to say to help but I just needed to get that off my chest.

Oh love, I didn't want to read and run. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Honestly, I have boys a similar age apart (only mine are jus turned 4 and nearly 2) and I could have hand on heart written a big chunk of what you did about my own.

I worry about all the same things - screen time, exchanging snacks for a few moments of peace, crap sleep, not doing a good enough job, not being able to keep up with anything (kids, housework, being engaged with them, etc). I promise you though, you are not the anomaly here. Kids are hard. Really hard. You adore them with everything you have but my God. And the lack of sleep will be making you feel worse - that is a really long day.

Anyway, what I really wanted to say is that it sounds like you're doing a really good job in really hard circumstances. Be kind to yourself. You're doing the very best you can, and you're in the trenches right now, and nothing is normal because of the pandemic. But you're a good Mum, and you (and they) are going to be just fine. In the meantime, it's just about keeping them safe and happy and surviving

I could have written most of your post!

Mine are 2 & 3, fight like devils but like to be nice and loving to each other now and again just to raise your hopes...

I do whatever I need to, just to make life enjoyable. Otherwise what's the point?

If we are at home My 2 have "quiet time" just before lunch. They cozy up of the sofa and watch kids you tube for 40-60 mins.
I'm not ever going to apologise for this.
It means I can have a cup of tea, get the washing out, prep dinner and maybe watch something other than CBeebies- it also mean I don't have to listen to their CONSTANT noise for a little while.

They have a lot of non screen activity too - the majority of their time in-fact so I think this is a fair balance.

If I'm honest it's better since my dd has learnt to talk properly, communicating is now a lot easier (if you take out the terrible 2's).

It's getting easier all the time so hold on in there!

You are not a bad mum. Your kids get everything you have that's why you feel this way. One day they will be old enough to get themselves dressed and make you tea. (I'm clinging to this hope 😆) so hang in there- it's going to get better!

Thank you so much for your lovely replies, I really needed that.

I think I need to work on the eldest's early mornings. I used to be able to get him to drop off for another hour so after he woke at 4:30 and that made quite a difference to his mood and my energy levels.

I suppose if the Mums didn't want to hang out with us they wouldn't ask, although they're lovely so they are probably just being nice. I might see if they want to come and play in our garden next week instead of goi to the park. At least then my youngest will probably have gone for a nap and my oldest won't be able to do a vanishing act.

I agree that this will be better when they can both speak. At least the eldest is improving and hopefully when he starts pre-school in September that will accelerate. I have a feeling we won't have the same speech problems with the youngest, he is already copying a lot of the words we say, noises we make and songs we hum to him. I just think he will be different.

My eldest used to be such a sweet, placid, quiet little thing. Now he is just an absolute tornado. He is obsessed with dinosaurs, which makes him loud and 'aggressive' in his ways. His brother and other children don't like it.

I feel like I don't want to take them places with others anymore, but that if I do that it will be the worst thing I can do. I found one child really easy, but two horrendous. It feels like everyone else is managing so much easier with their two than I did/am. I'm quite organised, so I always make sure I go prepared with all the toys, snacks, rug etc etc to make sure I'm armed to survive. Maybe I'm making too much of a big thing if it and it just gives me more 'stuff' to worry about.

It may become easier when the youngest learns to walk properly. He can, but when we're out he seems to revert to crawling and gets mucky all the time. He's fast at crawling and climbing, so I don't imagine the bolting will be any worse but at least his trousers and hands won't be plastered all the time.

I just dread the day that they are grown up and I look back and think I should have enjoyed that more and I should have done a better job.

Hey OP. You are not a useless mum by any means. It sounds to me as though they are fed, looked after and loved. Things will get better. Please don't be too hard on yourself

I have one DS who is 20 months and I am permanently exhausted.

@istheresomethingwrongwithme you sound like you are a lovely mum. Be kind to yourself, kids are hard work and you don't need to be perfect to be good enough.

Hang in there, it will get easier I promise

I only have the one and he was a bolter from 15 months - 4 years. It's SO hard because wherever you go, you can't relax unless it's a fully fenced area! He would also refuse to hold my hand and would squirm and pull to get away. If I put reins on him he would throw himself to the ground and refuse to move!

All I can say is it takes time. Not much consolation at the moment but mine is now 5 and I don't have to watch him like a hawk anymore. I can trust him to be several steps ahead of me next to a road without fear that he's suddenly going to run into it.

Does your eldest go to nursery? If not that might be something to consider

Hey I also didn't want to read and run but could tell from your post your feeling it atm.

Please don't beat yourself up. There are so many people out there that judge parenting and quite frankly they can bugger off. Parenting isn't just about raising kids it's about keeping you sane in the process too. I wouldn't apologise for screen time, I don't think I know a kid that doesn't get the TV everyday.

One thing on the sleep time for your eldest, have u tried the gro company's gro clock? I have heard its really good for trying to get kids to sleep longer in the morning. Apparently when the sun comes up on the clock that's when they know they are to get up for day??

My LO is 16 months so haven't tried it myself however, I have another one on the way and no doubt will be having the same feelings as you are. Whatever gets u through the day if u ask me xx

Thanks for the new messages.

My eldest did go to pre-school but hasn't since lockdown. He will be restarting in September, hopefully for 3 days a week if he can handle it. All being well the youngest will then start in the summer term of 2021, so by this time next year I will have a bit of time where both of them are in ore-school and I can catch my breath.

I have arranged to see my MIL for a walk this afternoon. I'm going to float the idea of her having the eldest for a couple of mornings a week. I'm a bit worried about him starting pre-school in September having spent so many months with just me, so it would probably to both of us good. I have been reluctant to ask because my FIL is still working from home and MIL was shielding, but she's been told she can come out of shielding now and I think she would be happy to do it.

I've also just left a message to see whether my youngest can be seen by a cranial osteopath. I have thought for some time that there is something not right, he just cries so much for no apparent reason and it's proper screaming at the top of his lungs. It's probably a long shot and I don't even know if she is allowed to see children due to the coronavirus restrictions, but it's worth a phone call.

I've thought about the gro clock @Flynn2019 but with his speech delay I'm not sure he'll understand it. I think I'll just get one though and give it a go, if I'm going to buy one eventually I may as well get one now.

Typical, youngest down for a nap and the eldest is so bloody loud he has woken him up

and please don't think you are a useless mum! You are in such a hard phase right now, you have two very boisterous little boys and it's bloody hard work

I think we’ve all felt like you do at points during lockdown, it’s been shit lets be honest!

You can only see the things you feel are negative but I noticed loads of positives in your post...
You take them to the park
You let them walk and experience nature rather than keeping them strapped in a pram all the time (so what if they get dirty, they are probably having a great time splashing around in the mud)
Your eldest is improving his speech, he can’t do that without support from his parents!
You are offering them a varied diet and you say yourself that your youngest eats really well (some kids are just fussy eaters - mine is too so if that makes you a shit mum then me too!)

Be kind to yourself, you are doing a great job and anyone who says their kids haven’t had too much screen time during lockdown is a liar if you ask me 😂!

Oh love, my heart goes out to you. You are doing just fine for the want of a better word.

I had three children under the age of four. When the oldest started nursery the youngest was 12 days old. I remember that time in my life with unafection -for one thing the baby did not sleep, and neither did I and my husband did not help at all .

They are constant and never ending aren't they - little ones. This time will pass and things will become easier. As they grow, they will become less reliant upon you for everything.

In the meantime get someone else to lighten the load in any way is the best action to take so you can have small breaks from the manicness.. is that even a word

I have 2 boys born 15 months apart...they were absolute horrors lol...one would run off in one direction and the other one in the opposite direction....going out anywhere was a nightmare...they were very much a hand full and im sure other mums avoided us.
Anyway 20 years on the eldest is just about to finish a masters degree and the younger one has just got a first class honours in his degree....hang in there Op.

I've just got off the phone to the cranial osteopath about the little one crying all the time. She said that it's just the sort of they treat successfully. He was born quite quickly and she said that often fast births can lead to longer term discomfort and shock for them. She's not sure yet whether she is allowed to treat him because babies/toddlers can't wear PPE, but she's going to find out this afternoon and come back to me. It will be amazing if she can see him and it helps, but I don't want to get my hopes up just yet.

Thank you for all your supportive messages, you're all making me feel so much better. It feels so much worse in the middle of the night when you can't sleep for replaying what an awful day you've had in your head over and over again.

Bless you OP it sounds like you are doing an amazing job. Being a mum is bloody hard and we all do what we can to make it that bit easier. I'm sure your mum friends love your company. If it makes you feel better maybe be open and have a chat about how you're feeling. I have two girls 5 and 7 and I remember feeling exactly like you are, don't get me wrong they have their moments when they argue but generally love each other so much and enjoy playing together. I think with everything going on with the pandemic everything seems ten times worse than it really is. Try and take an hour to yourself of an evening when your DH is home to unwind and recharge. And be kind to yourself xx

I could have written the same post. My two are similar ages and now the youngest is mobile I'm forever chasing after her.

Like yours she goes from super cling to runaway in a second.

No advice, just sympathy and hugs. You're doing a great job.

I feel for you. My two are now 6 and 8 and although still hard work things have improved alot this year. My youngest screamed and had sleep problems and cranial osteopathy really helped him, we still have very early starts but at least he now sleeps through. I made the youngests nap time special snuggle time for me with the eldest, special blanket on sofa and special box of dvds and books we could sit and enjoy together with a treat like a bag of popcorn. I needed the down time to get through to bed time. I also made them wear the rucksacks with reins attached as they were both bolters. It is just hard work and relentless. Can you get them into a local football class that they can go to together? This gave me an hour to drink a coffee in the car whilst waiting!

I've got a cranial osteopath appointment next Thursday afternoon with a lady recommended to me by a friend. I'm looking forward to it, who knows if it will help but it's worth a try.

Found a friend who's selling a Gro Clock, so she's dropping that in on Friday.

MIL didn't seem too keen on having the big one a few mornings a week, I think she's worried about coronavirus because we're seeing other children which is fair enough. I've left it with her to have a think. She's going to have him for me when we go to the osteopath next week though so at least I can focus on the little one while we're there.