Tell me things get better

[stuckinadeeprut]

I'm currently over a year into a very messy, nasty divorce from a horrible man who manipulated, controlled and bullied me and who continues to do so with expensive lawyers, knowing that I can't afford the same. I'm so bogged down in it all and so tired but there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. I'm so full of hurt and anger that I don't seem to have the strength to build any kind of life for myself. I've had lots of counselling sessions which didn't really make much difference, I'm currently taking anti depressants which have improved my sleep but haven't lifted my mood. I tried really hard to make an effort to see friends and get my mind onto other things but lockdown really didn't help with that and now things are lifting a bit, I realise how lonely I am but don't feel that anyone would want to see me. I've put on weight and feel ugly, inside and out. Sometimes I genuinely don't know why I keep getting up in the morning. I have a little boy from the marriage but I know that my husband thinks he would be better off without me and sometimes I think he's probably right. It can't be good for him to be around someone like me.
If you've ever felt like this and managed to turn a corner, I'd love to know how you did it.
Thanks

Bump

Lockdown has made everyone’s mental health a bit shitter I think. Be kind to yourself, you’ve just escaped an abusive marriage. Your boy needs you. The most messed up kids I ever met ( teacher) were ones who didn’t have a mum.
Try going for a walk every day. It’s the only thing helping me at the minute. That and good TV. And everyone has put on weight since lockdown. I’ve put on two stone 😱

Btw, my life was terrible when I was younger. I think the main thing which helped me was a new job in a new city. I don’t know if that would be possible for you though. And I had psychotherapy too.

Yes i felt exactly the same. My divorce was awful for a long long time but I had a great counseller who motivated me and made me feel stronger by having a place to offload each week. I also leaned on my friends loads cried buckets in fact for a long time. I also sought support from the woman's refuge about his control . Another strength too came from fighting for my children to have a good life with me . I'm telling you honestly that i was v broken and in fact physically hurt (his violence) but the injustice that i was still being treated badly became my fight too x today i have 2 children who although hurt by his emotional control too are doing well . I have studied and now have a degree ( not bad for leaving school with 2 CSE,s) and my own little house that i love . It does get better but think one day at a time, lean on others and continue yr fight for you and your child . You can do it but look after you

Thanks for your replies. It's good to know that you've come through the difficult times and also that I'm not the only one who's been piling on the pounds!
I just feel so far away from being the person I was before I met him.

It will get better. It just takes time.

Talk to the Samaritans. They'll listen and help.

You don't have to do it all at once and if you keep looking at the big picture you will inevitably feel overwhelmed. Right now it's enough to be getting through each day, lockdown has had a huge impact on lots of people but you're also going through one of the most stressful things that can happen to a person, particularly if the ex is making it more difficult than it needs to be, so stop beating yourself up for feeling crap, it'd be a miracle if you didn't.

When I've been at my lowest I've focused on trying to make each day a tiny bit better than the one before. So say one day I didn't even manage to get out of pj's, the next day I'd try and make sure I did that one job. It sounds simplistic but it made me feel like I'd achieved something and, slowly but surely I got to the stage where I was getting washed and dressed every day, then managing to get out once a week, then 3 times a week and so on. I had days where it all went to shit and I felt back at square one of course, but I just tried to do better the next day and not beat myself up for it, we're allowed to find hard things hard!

But it can and will get better, you obviously want it to and that's half the battle. You don't have to have all the answers now, or be making huge strides of progress, small steps are more than enough, you are more than enough. And stop listening to your ex, of course he will tell you your DC would be better off without you, he's trying to hurt you so why would you believe someone with such an obvious agenda? You already have to heal from the damage he did to you while you were married, don't let him do anymore now you're (nearly) not

Your ex sounds exactly like mine. But it does get better. I am two years down the line of a horrible divorce and still living in the same house as the Final Hearing happened just before the lockdown. But it feels so much better knowing that I am free and have the rest of the life ahead of me and he can never ever control me again.

First of all, do not worry about his expensive and pushy lawyers. If he doesn’t offer you a fair deal, you will go through the court and the judge won’t care how expensive his lawyers are. You have a small child, therefore the court’s main duty is to assure that the child’s needs are met.
The court needs to offer you the settlement, which will allow you to house yourself and your son. If you are the primary carer of a small child, the court will take it into consideration when making the decision on splitting the assets. The court will look into the mortgage capacity of each party. I was granted much higher share of the assets as my mortgage capacity is lower.

I was also scared of ex’s lawyers, but in the end the £45000 he spent did not matter at all. In fact it worked in my favour as the judges ( three hearings) were very sympathetic to me as I was self representing. One of them reaped the barrister to pieces for trying to mislead me.

If you can afford, find a good solicitor who can advise you along the way. I had a wonderful one and went to her with all the important bits of work such as analysing the financial disclosure, proposals, preparing for the hearings.

I know it feels that there is no end, but there is. In the worst case scenario there will be the first hearing, the second hearing and the final hearing. I ended ticking off the days to each hearing on the calendar. It really helped me to see the numbers go down ( and drove ex bonkers which was an added bonus).

As pp said, focus on the final goal, which is a better life for you and your child.

With regards to ex saying that your son would be better off without you. Rubbish! Why would your son be better off being raised by a bully?
Of course your mental health will be affected by the divorce, it is a lonely, soul destroying experience. Only the bullies like my and your exes get a kick out of it.

Thank you for your replies. I didn't get much sleep and feel fairly crap today but it's been really helpful to hear about your experiences. The day ahead seems very long (never mind the coming months) but I'm going to try and do it in little chunks. First job - get washed and dressed. That sounds so pathetic

It gets better I promise. You're embroiled in all the details of the divorce and it is so draining and demoralising. There is light at the end of the tunnel and you will get there and feel free.
As a PP said, concentrate on the small wins. Getting dressed. Going for a walk. Even getting to the end of the day sometimes can be a win.
I am 6 years separated at the end of this year, 4 years divorced. I am settled and happy and the trauma of dealing with the divorce is now a memory.
I am still lonely and have low days but they're more manageable now I'm through the fug of dealing with the divorce.
Be kind to yourself.

Court is brutal. Court without representation when your abusive ex has a lawyer is another level.

My advice having been through similar is to ask for and take any and all support you can. Counselling, antidepressants, chats with friends, anything. I had brilliant support from childcare providers, my sons school and my work. You have to talk to people though.

It's trite to say believe in yourself and all that stuff but try and be a bit objective if you can. Your ex has bullied you and crushed your self esteem. Of course he would say or imply you're not good as a mum. That is going to hurt you. And he's losing control of being able to hurt you. One day he won't be able to anymore.

Try and connect with things that made you feel like 'you' from before you met him. I found regaining my sense of identity a slow process but I got there. Books, films, music are all great helpers.

As for legal, please talk to women's aid and get legal advice. I had bad legal advice now I look back and I was in such a state I couldn't see it or deal with it. I do know women in some areas who have got legal aid because of abuse.

Just go day by day though and lockdown has made all this so much harder. You will come out the other end.