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Original poster

Extended breastfeeding is for the mum

40 replies

Slat3 · 13/07/2020 19:45

I’ve heard this quite a few time, I genuinely think people are off their rocker if they think this is fun.
I’ve been trying to stop with my nearly 3 year old, he’s gone 4 days without and then crying before bed which then made me cry and ‘give in’. I know I shouldn’t have but it’s so so hard.
I really want/need to stop, I didn’t want to feed him this long (I wanted to feed fill 1!) and he is just obsessed.
How can I do this ‘gently’? There is no gentle way is there? So fed up with lack of sleep & his behaviour

OP posts:

CuckooCuckooClock · 13/07/2020 19:52

I don’t think there will be a gentle way with a nearly 3 yo unfortunately. Do you have a partner to support? Bed time is going to be a battle of wills otherwise.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 13/07/2020 19:57

My DD went to stay with my MIL for a few days at 2.5. Not to stop the feeding as such, we were moving house. But it definitely helped. Bit more complicated to that at present.

edgeware · 13/07/2020 20:04

Distract with something better - and keep that up for a while. What’s ‘better’ will depend on your child. My DS was down to just mornings but to our great surprise a cup of milk and a show on the iPad distracted him enough, after a week he’d gotten in the new routine and forgotten. I did also keep saying ‘nooo, you’re a big boy now’ if he tried but then swiftly distract before a meltdown.
Is he feeding during the night or just before bed? I’d say stop night feeds first. For before bed - what a about a cup of milk but making it ‘special’, ie. warming up, a bit of honey in it? Not good for his teeth but won’t be forever.

Interested in this thread?

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3 year olds Families

Orangedaisy · 13/07/2020 20:06

I persuaded dd that when she was 3 she was too big for it and we stopped on her birthday. We took a fair few weeks of building up to this and on the day she briefly protested but was then fine. Worth trying to tie in with birthday if it’s coming up?

ClaraLane · 13/07/2020 20:07

Oh bless you, you must be at the end of your tether. Have you tried “don’t offer, don’t refuse”? You could also try setting a timer so every feed gets shorter and shorter so he realises it will be stopping soon.

Do you have a partner who can take over at night so he realises he’s not getting milk?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 13/07/2020 20:07

Well he's 3 so is perfectly capable of understanding the word no, so there's probably not an easy way to do it other than just don't give in. Him crying, shouldn't be making you cry.

NoRoomInBed · 13/07/2020 20:07

I've not long weaned my 2.5 year old. I only planned to feed him for about 6 months. It was hard going. He only had 1 feed a day at bedtime. He cried and cried for the 1st week then it was all forgotten about though he still has moments of asking.

Piecarumba · 13/07/2020 20:08

My 2.5 year old has only just stopped having the bedtime feed, I was ready to stop a long time ago! It took us a long time and it was a little stop/start for a while so I wouldn’t say letting him have a feed one night necessarily means you’re back to square one. I distracted her with a cup of milk and stories but on the nights she got very upset/insistent I gave a brief feed. Eventually we went longer and longer without a feed and then I realised she had stopped asking all together!

LunchBoxPolice · 13/07/2020 20:09

Well, you are doing it for your benefit really. He gets upset so you do it for an easy life.

kevinbacone · 13/07/2020 20:10

I used a book called 'The No-cry sleep solution'. My ds's were both 2.5-3 years old when I stopped feeding them.

fallfallfall · 13/07/2020 20:11

i suggest you drop him off with family. go away for two consecutive days.
at 2 and certainly 3 they fully understand grammy and grampy cant breast feed you.
they scream loud and really put up a fight at that age, i really suggest the friend or family situation.

RedLimoncello · 13/07/2020 20:12

Aw. I stopped with DD2 at 2.5 like PPs.

She did get upset but I used to just cuddle her and empathise- “I’m sad too but the milk is all gone; but we can have a cup of milk and so many cuddles and kisses”.

She’s still an absolute cuddle fiend at 4. I think she transferred her BF obsession to cuddles. It’s lovely

MrTumbleTumble · 13/07/2020 20:12

I don't have any tips I'm afraid as my DS self weaned, but I just wanted to say that your crying is totally understandable! Breast milk is produced by hormones. So when your supply is effected by reducing or stopping feeding your hormones can be all over the place. I sobbed for about 3 days when I stopped feeding DS.

Remember to be kind to yourself, as well as him

sunflowersandtulips50 · 13/07/2020 20:14

Well its not for your DC, they use it for comfort at that age. Not a critisicm as I was very tough with BF with my first 3 and stopped just before going back to work with each of them, all under the age of 1. When I had number 4 and knew this was it , I was far slacker, took the year off as we could afford it, my work was more flexible and could WFH and it was easy to keep BF, he stopped at 2 1/2 and it took that long simply because I hadnt sorted myself out and stopped earlier. He didnt need it and it affected his sleep as he wouldnt go without it. So it wasnt good for him either. So it was stories and mummy lying beside him for a couple of nights and that was that....

Oblomov20 · 13/07/2020 20:15

I agree that it's for the mums benefit. Even now it is, because you are doing it for an easy life rather than doing the hard parenting bit of saying no. Bite the bullet and just get it done.

RedLimoncello · 13/07/2020 20:16

Also I had gone to visit my DSis and her new baby for almost 2 weeks before that, sans DD, and was hopeful that might help her forget about BF.

Let’s just say her first word to me on my return was not “hello”!

Wishforsnow · 13/07/2020 20:19

It's not for the mother at all. Personally no skin in the game as breastfed for 12 weeks, but know some 3 year olds that see it as their greatest comfort. Its really hard for the mums who want to stop but omg when a toddler wants something that's so natural it must be hard for both. I've not really helped here!

MyCatReallyIsAGit · 13/07/2020 20:32

Mine was nearly three when we stopped, at my instigation when I realised he was never going to self-wean. The last feed to go was the morning one - which surprises me as I thought it would be the bedtime one. But he roared when I refused to feed him and it was so difficult not to crack. It was a comfort thing and also, I think, a control thing on some level.

I have to say that it was over quite quickly when I stuck to my guns - maybe two or three mornings of tears and then a no was accepted.

What we did do was tell him that when he stopped BF, the milk fairy (what do you mean, you’ve never heard of the milk fairy?) would bring him a particular toy he really wanted. We started mentioning this a few weeks before actually enforcing weaning but reminded him that after he had stopped, and the milk fairy was sure he’d stopped and wasn’t going to keep asking because the milk had gone, she would bring him his toy. And the milk fairy kept her end of the bargain.

Is there something the milk fairy could bring your DS, to celebrate him joining the big boys club?

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 13/07/2020 20:33

New 'big boy' cup and book/jigsaw/something he likes to do.
Then distract distract distract. Whenever he asks for milk remind him he's a big boy now so can have a big boy cup of milk and read his new book with you/do his jigsaw.
I fed ds2 until he was 3 so remember how hard it was to stop.

FourTeaFallOut · 13/07/2020 20:36

Well its not for your DC, they use it for comfort at that age.

come on... you're almost there.

gothicsprout · 13/07/2020 20:37

This sounds really tough, particularly if you’re feeling worried that there isn’t a gentle way to wean now your son is older.

If you’re feeling lost with what to try, this article from Emma Pickett has some helpful suggestions of ways to approach weaning with an older child, all of which are respectful of their needs (not wants!) but help to find different ways to meet those needs: www.emmapickettbreastfeedingsupport.com/twitter-and-blog/weaning-toddler-bob-and-pre-schooler-billie-how-do-you-stop-breastfeeding-an-older-child

I’ve also just found she has a newer post on breastfeeding an older child during lockdown which has some suggestions too: www.emmapickettbreastfeedingsupport.com/twitter-and-blog/breastfeeding-a-toddler-or-beyond-during-lockdown-the-best-of-times-and-the-worst-of-times

I hope something here might work for you both. And as others have said, be kind to yourself, it can be tough ending nursing due to the hormonal and emotional dips, even when you feel ready.

FrugiFan · 13/07/2020 20:45

I stopped when DD was 2 years 9 months. I would have stopped about a year before but she was not on board whatsoever!

I was pregnant so I explained that the milk was drying up and it was sore for her to feed. We started limiting the time to 10 minutes, then 5, then stopped. Could you use his upcoming birthday and something about "big kids dont drink mummy milk", get him a special cup to have cows milk in with a big number 3 on it? I know people whose kids use a dummy sometimes do a ritual of sending the dummies to babies who need them because big boys dont, maybe a twist on that?

Good luck, it is tough but if you're ready to stop it is time, dont keep going until you resent it.

strawberrypip · 13/07/2020 20:46

@Oblomov20 what do you mean, by "even now"? are you suggesting that breastfeeding is always for the mums benefit? I'd love to hear all about your theory whilst I currently nearly cry every time my 7 month old latches on because she has 4 very sharp teeth and is cutting me to shreds consistently and I haven't had a full night sleep in all that time as noone else can do her night feed (bottle refuser) - do tell :)

OP - it's not for mums benefit, people who say this are clueless. I'm going to try to get to 1 but I'm really struggling with the pain right now, I feel guilty at the idea of stopping because I know it's so good for my DD but you're incredible to of done it as long as you have, so above all well done you!

NuchalHope · 13/07/2020 21:23

It makes me giggle when people say it's for the mother's benefit.

Mine has just more or less weaned at 2 and a bit, just asks to dry nurse a bit first thing in the morning now. I'm pregnant and milk has gone gradually and knew that was likely so I started slowly weaning over the last few months so it was more of a gentle transition - the milk going really helped it to be easier I think.

Before that she used to take lots, yes a lot of that was for comfort and I think that's natural and beneficial for her, and she took plenty of actual milk too alongside a normal diet. It was very helpful to soothe her during a couple of medical procedures she needed as well as for blood tests, and also wonderful during sickness bugs etc as she'd ask for it every 20 mins or so and I knew she was getting some fluid whereas I think anything else she'd have brought back up. Now she understands more, I can tell her stuff like having a little sip of water will make her feel better etc.

But I have to admit I'm relieved we've moved on now. I have to say that breastfeeding very regularly during lockdown with morning sickness and excruciatingly painful nipples (as in I'd have to try not to shout out when she latched) was really difficult. It didn't feel appropriate to go cold turkey on her so had to do it gradually. I suppose there was a benefit to me in that I didn't get mastitis from stopping suddenly!

I'd say try bit by bit OP although I did find just stopping altogether at night times the least traumatic way. We'd already cut quite a few out by then and I explained what we were doing to her and read some books about it and said no more milk until morning and was really surprised at how well she responded. It would have been completely unthinkable a few weeks before when she was milk mad!

NuchalHope · 13/07/2020 21:26

I don't think it's detrimental NOT to breast feed though, just that if you do and it's become part of your child's life and they enjoy it then it's still for them rather than for the mother

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