Sorry in advance for the length.
I've noticed lately and particularly since becoming a mum 7 months ago that my "toxic parents" continue to affect me into adulthood and I often am kept up at night dwelling on my childhood. I have name changed for this but some of it is probably outing anyway.
Both of my parents were alcoholics, but no one would have known this from the outside looking in. I remember when I was around 8, a friend coming to stay the night and telling the teacher at school the next day how much wine my parents drank. My dad would frequently drink drive, even when giving me lifts places. I remember one occasion when I was a teenager, he was very drunk and put my mum's dressing gown on and dropped me off miles from where I needed to be because he didn't want to risk the police catching him drink driving.
Neither of my parents have ever hugged me or told me they loved me. They have never asked how I am. When I was pregnant I didn't see a soul for the 7 weeks I was on maternity leave (I had severe SPD) and they didn't bother with me. Until I had the baby. I remember my mum being angry that my MIL had offered to take me shopping for baby things.
They used to argue constantly and would try and pull me in even as a child, being asked who's side I was on. One particular argument that stands out I remember my dad saying to my mum "well you didn't want the kids anyway" and that really stuck with me. I remember my mum having a house party and asking me to stay in my room, drunk people coming into my room trying to find the toilet. I remember my mum would ask me not to go into the shop she worked at because she found my "scruffy" appearance embarrassing. I remember her ripping a vest apart that I was wearing as it was full of holes, in front of my family and laughing as I cried asking her to stop. My grandparents were not much different and so I suppose I can't really blame my parents? They never hugged me etc either and I remember my nan saying to me "don't you wish you looked more like your sister", whereas my other nan would just chain smoke, drink brandy, offer me cigarettes as a child and critique everyone's appearance.
When I was a teenager, my mum left her mobile phone lying around and I opened it to find explicit messages between her and another man. I asked her outright if she was having an affair and she just smirked at me. Two weeks later she said she was going to stay with a friend 250 miles away and didn't come back for two years. I feel embarrassed typing this, but the man who she was having an affair with used to send me horrible messages on social media including one saying that my mum used to give him my knickers. It didn't dawn on me till after that when my mum would come back home to visit, she would say she had left all her clean underwear back at home and asked if I had any she could have. Because of her leaving I had to drop out of college and work full time to pay the household bills, which my dad would casually decide not to pay and we ended up having gas and electric prepayment meters installed. I also did all of the housework and would come home from school and sort everyone's washing etc.
We had a family dog who needed veterinary attention as she had a skin condition and was incontinent. They never took her even when the neighbours called the RSPCA. When I moved out and into my first home with my now DH, we had to take the four family cats with us into a rental property that didn't allow pets, as my parents simply left them behind when they eventually split up and each bought their individual homes. I remember whenever my dad would come home, the cats would come in my bedroom and cower as he was horrible to them. I was holding one of them once and he came and shook a newspaper in her face so she scratched my neck badly, which he found funny. I remember feeding a stray cat when I was very young and he threw a full watering can at it. I remember missing some jabs at school because he was still drunk and threw my dog across the driveway so my mum kept us at home that day. My dad is also very racist and very vocal with his opinions - I remember when I was pregnant going for a drink with him and my sister, and him loudly speaking nastily about foreigners. The whole pub was looking at us and we asked him to stop but he got louder and louder and I had to leave as I was so upset.
I remember getting an award at school and my mum moaning about having to go the award ceremony, never once did she say well done or take an interest in my school work. I remember having very low attendance at high school and getting a letter from the council about it, as my parents never cared if I was there or not. Somehow I came out of school with As and A*s. I did self harm briefly when I was a teenager and a teacher noticed and said she was going to ring my mum, I remember pressing the receiver to end the call before she could do so, as I know my mum would have been embarrassed.
I developed an eating disorder aged 14/15 which my parents were unaware of. I used to come home from school and faint in my bedroom. I had always been underweight as a child but still my mother would encourage me when I said I was going on diets, as she would join in too. She also encouraged me to smoke and would buy me cigarettes.
Fast forward to now. I have always been painfully shy, nervous, anxious and awkward. I have no friends, low self esteem, am depressed and get angry easily. I don't feel I have ever achieved anything. I have a sister who also has the same issues coupled with severe OCD. I worry I will replicate the parenting I experienced with my own DS. When my DS does see my mum, she always asks why he isn't smiling and makes comments about how serious or stern he is, though he's actually a very giggly happy baby. She has always tried to sabotage my breastfeeding journey, insisting I switch him to a bottle and asking to babysit. When he was a few days old I broke down when she visited saying I couldn't cope. She just stared at me from the other side of the room and said "well what did you expect a baby to be like?" and again kept going on about putting him onto formula.
I'm sorry this is so long and incoherent, there is a lot more but I don't want to just endlessly type everything. I just am finding it hard to deal with and am wondering how people manage to move on, or even if I'm just being overly sensitive as I know people experience much much worse things throughout their childhood than I did. Thank you for reading.