Are all 8 yr old girls this annoying or just mine?

[babaindigosheep]

Really struggling with DD atm. No SEN, pretty normal child, except she doesn't seem to listen to anything, process any information given by me/DH or think outside the 2 feet square of air that surrounds her. And I'm running out of patience.
This is today so far.....
Out for a bike ride. She wants to go ahead. I said that was ok, she could go up to the shop past the traffic lights and wait there. DD cycles up to the traffic lights (she is about 20m ahead), stops and presses the button. I called to her that we weren't crossing the road, no response, but she could hear me, I called again. Nothing. Then she starts crossing the road and i literally had to scream at her " DD we aren't crossing the road" by which point she is half way across the road on the green man. DH has to go into the road and get her back. She is so upset that I've shouted at her. But what alternative did I have other than letting her cross the road and then make her come back? I've given her clear instructions and told her twice not to cross the road.
Then i've parked the car to nip into a shop. She undoes her seatbelt, climbs into the front takes the car freshener from the mirror, climbs back into her seat and starts swinging it around on her finger until it flies off, out of the open window and onto the ground (all this relayed by DS). By the time I get back to the car another car has parked over it so I can't get it, so essentially we have left litter in the car park. I pointed out that she has littered the car park but say no more.
Then she wants me to hang the hammock outside. I said yes. She then watches me unload the washing machine and start to hang the washing up and half way through she says " have you hung the hammock up?". She has literally watched me since asking the first time, so she KNOWS I haven't hung the hammock up. I said, "DD you have watched me hanging the washing up since you first asked, when do you think I might have hung the hammock up?". She doesn't have an answer.
At meal times she will often wash her hands, sit down, wait until I have sat down and then say "can you get me a drink of water".....she has just washed her hands at the tap, if she wants water why doesn't fill a glass while she is there? Mealtimes are pretty trying anyway as she either spills most of her meal down her clothes or knocks over a glass or the pepper into someone else plate...its never uneventful.
We will be about a mile from home in the car and she will say "How long until we are home?". She knows the road, she knows we are nearly home, why on earth is she asking this question. Same with the school journey (pre lockdown). "How long until we are at school?".....said at any point of the journey. It takes 15 minutes, we go the same way every day.
"Don't leave the front door open, the puppy will get out" said a million times along with "Don't leave the garden gate open" (we now have it on an automatic locking hinge). Front door regularly left open.
I try to keep calm, often return the question as "what do you think" if it a distance one, suggest she gets her own glass of water (in the hope that she might remember the next time).......but I am at the end of my rag.
Is this normal? And if it is how do other people cope?

Sounds like both my boys, 6 and 12. They are driving me insane! They don't listen to a word we say, I have to repeat myself constantly. They just zone out, bit then dp is like that aswell.

My 5 year old DD is a bit like this. When I am calm enough to remember positive instruction works better than negative. So I'd (try) to day "stay in this side of the road. Stay left. STAY!" etc. And keep instruction very imperative. DP does a lot of "please could you not cross the road blah blah" and she just can't process it.
It is so exhausting tho. They are in their own world a lot of the time!

She’s picking up on the fact you are frustrated with her
She’s trying to get your attention,..but all your doing is showing your frustration of her
You are clearly just tolerating her .,or that’s how it sounds to me
I grew up with parents like you described..everything I did was a big fucking deal ,nothing was ever no big deal

She sounds like she's got some issues with executive function. Have a google of motor coordination difficulty (dyspraxia) and see if it rings bells.

DD and DSS 4 and 6 are exactly like this- specifically the drink at dinner example! Both get their own drinks of water all day long but sit at the table and wait until all the adults are present and eating to announce ‘I’m a little bit thirsty’ or ‘I don’t even have a drink’. Bugs me because it’s not even a question! Just a plaintive observation.

Of course they’re tiny and we kindly encourage them to either frame it as a request or, better still, ask to be excused to get a drink and offer the rest of the table one but it seems now we’re in a routine of doing that rather than thinking ahead...

I was very head-in-the-clouds at her age, and some things my parents (and teachers) did for things of minor importance was to impose consequences which were slightly absurd. For example: if I didn't listen, I was made to cup my hands behind my ears for two minutes, as you do to hear better; sometimes I was pre-emptively told to do this, before an important announcement, with a lighthearted "listen carefully, I will only say this once". Another was looking out of the window for two minutes, without speaking or turning round, or sitting silently and keeping my eyes closed for two minutes. Also, writing my own name on the "silly" list. Yes, this was a family thing, mostly used when playing board games, but it was strictly lighthearted.

I would say that replying to the silly questions with "what do you think?" might invite more questions; try a closed response. I think my parents would have replied to the distance question with a cheerful "look it up in your head", or "if you ask again, you'll be writing the answer twenty times, to make sure you don't forget it". (This threat was never actually carried out, but I once did write it out to call their bluff.) If I randomly threw in a question such as "how many seconds old am I?", they might have said "work it out on a calculator".

These things worked for me, as I was well-meaning, but scatty. I've seen primary school teachers doing similar things. Only you know if they would suit your DD's personality; they might not work for some children, who might deliberately play up to see what mummy might throw at them.

Oh God yeh, DS 8. Before we go ANYWHERE I have to eye ball him. Right son we are going to the park, we are going this way, you can cycle off up to x point and wait there, then when we get there you can cycle go x point. Then REPEAT. And no there will be no food till x time and you have your water (there) so have a drink.when you want. Do you understand?? (Big hugs - your the BEST second son I have)

This is when we go anywhere, he needs full instructions and needs to be told what is expected of him. I give him a day plan too (briefly) so he knows roughly when I'm going to tell him to get shoes/coat on etc. 5 minute then 2 minute warnings.

It's getting better

I'd be annoyed at a lot of that-- dd7 does some of the more minor things like asking how long when she knows exactly where we are and she can be very self centred. I think she just wants to talk but can't think of anything else to say. I don't think I'd be leaving her in a car currently as she doesnt sound very trustworthy- I know it's a pain though. Did she explain why she was crossing the road? You say there is no SN but there could be something ie dyspraxia causing her processing difficulties and apparent clumsiness

I was also wondering about dyspraxia. The clumsiness at dinner, not being able to follow instructions, not understanding sequences of events. Could also just be being 8 years old.

My 8yo is pretty switched on, knows more than her prayers my mother would say, so apart from the odd tantrum which I expect in current frustrating circumstances, she's not a problem.

But if you want to try a 12yo with more than her share of hormones, bad temper, stroppiness, hard-done-by-ness, paranoia and hatred for the wider world then let me know and I'll send her round!

@JuniLoolaPalooza

My 5 year old DD is a bit like this. When I am calm enough to remember positive instruction works better than negative. So I'd (try) to day "stay in this side of the road. Stay left. STAY!" etc. And keep instruction very imperative. DP does a lot of "please could you not cross the road blah blah" and she just can't process it. It is so exhausting tho. They are in their own world a lot of the time!

A friend of mine used to find it amusing the way I'd tell my DD to SIT! or STAY! when she's attempting to run off before I was done with whatever I'm doing (moisturizing hair or face or giving her medicine or whatever it is) or short for "don't follow me while I throw this rubbish away only 5 steps away from you", that sort of thing.

We (DD and I) both find it humorous too and I thought I was the only one who spoke to their DC like that (We'd jokingly say she's like a puppy/dog and I'm like a cat for different reasons).

I have more that I use as well. I also write things down in a list format highlighting step by step processes to take: Shower routine, Morning routine, Mealtimes, etc. Otherwise, I'll have to ask all day, not that she doesn't know by the way. So intead of nagging constantly repeating what needs to be done and making life stressful, we simply consult the clipboards.

Something about what's written down seems to work better than speech in our house, I've found.

This is the first OP Ive ever read out to DH - to say we're not alone with DS (8 nearly 9). I repeat myself sooo many times and he gets very annoyed when everything isn't done to his timetable.

Eg we visited a fort and I said "after we can have an ice cream". On the way out and across to the ice cream stand I wanted to detour by no more than 25m to look at a rock pool. OMG. "But you SAID mummy- after the fort is ice cream" screamed at me. He cannot cope with even the slightest of changes to plan and understands "after" to mean the very second one activity stops we do the next. I've actually told him that he will no longer be told what we are doing that day cos its so infuriating. (But havent followed through as he goes on and on about what are we doing today?)

My dd is exactly like this - NEVER stops talking, asks ridiculous questions, same instructions over and over, spills everything, trips over constantly. I have also been worried about dyspraxia/adhd.

(Before I get called a bad parent she’s also clever, imaginative, funny and generally gorgeous)

I think captainsaltpants has it. This behaviour is unimaginably annoying but being annoyed isn’t solving it.

Just thinking of the examples you’ve given possible suggestions would be:
A dinner routine - toilet, hands, drink, sit, eat. You could even put a bit of tape on the glass where she can fill to so if it spills it’s not much.
In the car - do you have a satnav? Could you put it on on silent so when she says ‘how long?’ you can just glance and it and say ‘11 and a half minutes’. If no satnav then could you give her a timmer with 15 mins on and let her watch it count down?

The hammock one is more tricky. But maybe just empathise with the feeling - ‘I think you’re asking me that because you’re feeling impatient. You know I haven’t put the hammock up’

I read the but about you shouting at her for crossing the road, albeit I assume safely and properly since she is actually 8 years old, on the green man and honestly my first thought was that you sound a bit unhinged. So she crossed the road, she didn't run out into the road in front of a car. OK she got it wrong and had to come back. I can't see the reason to shout. Don't you want to raise a child with self esteem? Very strange

I feel so sorry for your daughter. It sounds like you’re constantly on at her. She’s probably a bag of nerves. There’s no way I would let an 8 year old ride ahead on what sounds like a busy road.

I would say that replying to the silly questions with "what do you think?" might invite more questions; try a closed response

This actually works with her often (the "What do you think" question) but I only ask her as though it's part of a casual conversation in asking for her thoughts rather than a sarcastic "What do you think I'm doing, Miss Obvious?"

It gets her either chatting away (not necessarily needing my input) or answering her own question and going back to what she was doing. Sometimes it may seem obvious to me but it's more than that to her and we have to look things up or make an appointment to do so if I can't do at the time of asking. She wouldn't do so on her own.

There are a lot of features of dypraxia/ processing difficulties there. It's not checked for until about 8 as many of the behaviours are typical of younger children and it takes until about 8 for those behaviours to continue on and become atypical for the age group.

At 9, DS has to be told at pretty much every meal to sit down, line the food up, use cutlery, put his knees away...
It is wearing but it's easier knowing that there is a reason why we're still experiencing toddler level table skills helps ease the frustration, and that it's more than concious carelessness.

I have auditory processing issues (and suspect dyspraxia) and it can be like having to tune a radio in to find the frequency when people talk to me, and sometimes like there's a delay on the line while I work it out.

It is worth keeping an eye out, recording odd instances and investigating further if this range of behaviour persists.

I find children between the ages of 0-25 to be the most annoying.

Kids are hard. Every age has its pros and cons. It’s not just your child who doesn’t listen!
Have you had a break recently? Taken some time out for yourself?
Could you and dd spend some quality time together? Pamper day together?

Oh my goodness I’ve found my people. I could have written this about my DS 8, (9 next week). His behaviour is soooooooooo annoying like this I feel like I spend my whole day nagging and giving warnings and repeating myself and then telling him off. It’s exhausting. I love him, but I really don’t like him at the moment.

My 9 year old girl is the same but it wouldn't occur to me to criticise her for it or post on a site looking for support as to how annoying she was.
I still annoy my mum and I'm 42. It's our job 😀
Ps she sounds pretty standard to me

I make a point of praising my dd for the things she does properly (ie dirty clothes in the washing basket, not stropping off when asked to take her plate out after dinner).

I do think it’s all standard stuff for this age. And I think tbh she’s pushing me where I’ve been inconsistent. So I’m really trying to stick to what I say (ie do we have to wash hair tonight? Yes even if it’s late) so that she knows I mean what I say.

I don’t want a little robot who just obeys, but honestly the chatback, the ignoring, the sullenness, the impatience are enough to drive anyone to insanity.

She’s a bit uncomfortable in herself bless her, self-conscious and a bit awkward. So different to my younger one who just does what she’s asked, doesn’t faff around, doesn’t chat back, just goes with the flow etc etc. I never tell them this, and try not to treat them differently as such in that my expectations of them both in terms of manners and behaviors are the same.

I remember super nanny saying keep things simple and repeat repeat repeat which I do think works too. Parenting is tough.

@JizzPigeon22...what can I say..... LOL.

Thank you for all the comments of solidarity. Its just good knowing that I'm not alone.And its always good to know that an OP has been helpful to other people also.

For all the posters who have suggested dyspraxia...it has crossed our minds......but the behaviour is very selective. She is an ace on the hockey pitch, an excellent dancer and reasonable gymnast. She can write beautifully if she can be bothered. She CAN follow instructions if she feels like it. We have brought it up at school (with real specifics like the eating) and they can't see a problem (inde school very hot on picking up SENs)At this stage we really aren't keen on having her labelled, but do have this at the back of our minds.

@MonteStory...made me laugh. We have sat nav. She can see the time on the screen from her seat in the car. She STILL asks. Just like she asks the time of day sitting at the table when the clock is literally above the table and completely in her view.

@captainsaltpants its never done as a sarcastic question, more of a "look around, see what you recognise and think how close those surroundings are from home" question.

@Idontlikewednesdays...definitely NOT a bag of nerves. A more confident child I have yet to meet.

to finish the day off we went for a family walk. 3 mins in she asks for water (which I have obviously brought, because no child in 2020 can survive for more than 10 minutes without water and a snack). Water duly given, sips taken and handed back and put in rucksack. 5 minutes later my back feels wet. she didn't screw the lid back on. Why would you??

This sounds very much like my ds who is 8. Not listening to instructions repeated 5 times, general irritating behaviour. I feel guilty I end up feeling so angry, but I get really worn down by it too.

I remember being so worried that dd had a hearing problem that I took her to be tested.
She didn't have a hearing problem.

She was just wrapped up in her own little world/game whatever.
I was told to give short instructions and get her to repeat them back.
Definitely worked.