Please help me to understand my parents!

[IndiaPlace]

Not quite sure where to start, could write masses, but won't!

Parents, mid 70's, were quite 'go-getting', they bought a villa in Spain in their early 30's, one of the first people we knew to do that. They retired there in 2000 but returned to the UK a couple of years ago due to ill health.
Exciting plans made to live near to me; purchase of a bungalow, new car, social events have just not happened.
They haven't moved near to me but are renting back in our home town. They've set a limit to what they are willing to spend on a bungalow ( at least £20,000 less than the cheapest bungalow available)
They don't like it where they live.

They have no friends, they moan about everyone. They make no effort to do anything for anyone else. Everything is so negative.

Lockdown has exacerbated this. They won't use the internet, they won't buy up to date IT so have limited contact with their DGC's. Dad won't even leave the internet switched on as it wastes money. We could never Skype because they just can't.
They drive an old car, but only travel in a very limited area.
They are bored, but any attempt to suggest anything to help is blocked.

Last night I listened on the telephone as my mum moaned about rubbish tv (terrestrial only as they won't pay for Sky). They are not going to pay for their tv licence as it isn't worth the money ( and are cross the people on benefits get it for free when they have worked hard all of their lives). My mum wishes she hadn't worked and then they could get a council house (in the worst part of town).

I pointed out that some families really do live in poverty, I said that we all pay taxes to provide a collective - that for instance we would all be worse off if we didn't without the NHS.
She put the phone down on me.

I've not slept very well, I'm trying to understand them and what is going on....any ideas?

Could you get technology for them? Or would they just not use it?

Sounds like home moved on while they were away and it wasn't what they expected when they came home.

Are there bungalows in their price range near you?

Were they negative before or has it started since they had to abandon their (long dreamed for?) retirement in Spain? They were there nearly two decades, having had a connection to the place for four decades. I think I would struggle to adapt and also feel a sense of grief over my circumstances.

They sound quite depressed really looking at everything you've described, which is not uncommon for older people. There can be a lot of crap stuff to cope with.

Do you think either of them would be open to doing anything about that?

Also, even when people return to a home country through choice after many years living elsewhere it's pretty common to find it difficult to adjust and to feel out of place. Which can be harder to manage when it is your original home country where you find yourself feeling like a stranger because everything has changed and moved on without you.

Thank you for taking time to respond, yes I think all of the above could be true. Mum really wanted to come 'home', dad not at all, but he is the one with the health issues.
No to live near me would cost more. When they were planning the move back they wanted a flat near to me. Now they've decided they could never live in one.

They just seem so bitter...

Sounds like they are short of money

Sounds like run of the mill crap to me, honestly I would let it drift over me. Any plans you try to make to help them will be rebuffed or ignored. People who moan moan because they know they need to change but the effort is too great. Just leave them to it, have no expectations of change in them, they will sort things out if they want it enough.

Sorru I know it's not the point but people 'on benefits' do not get the TV licence 'for free'.
Where on earth has your mother got that idea from?
And where has she got the idea from that people who work don't get council houses?
I wouldn't even listen to this nonsense.

Sounds like they’re fed up!

Just repeat, ok right, is there anything I can do to change that?

It sounds as though lockdown has got to them. Reassure them it will soon be over and they'll be able to go out.

They have to be realistic about what they can afford to buy in terms of bungalow. They would hate to live in a council place after owning their own and they know that.

I presume they can do basic stuff on the internet like e-mailing, looking things up, maybe even joining here :-), or a forum with games.

There's plenty on the telly with freeview and I'm sure they could afford Netflix.

You must not let them get you down! Be kind but firm.

Good luck.

Aren't pensioners on pension credit getting a free tv license ?

Thanks again, no certainly no shortage of money, they bought in Spain in the early days and sold twice at the peak, making at least a quarter of a million. They still owned a house in the uk outright too.

In fact, if they had lost all of their money, say in property in Spain, I would be much more sympathetic and understand how their life has changed, from a large villa with pool and a second home in the uk to a rented two up two down, but that isn't the case.
Surely working hard all of your life is to ensure you have a comfortable retirement, that you enjoy what could be your last years. This just isn't the case, the cheapest of everything.
In fact I'm the one who has spent during lockdown sending them books, jigsaws (they would NEVER pay £12.99 for a jigsaw and £6.00 to post it to it!); wool, kneedles and knitting patterns, seeds to grow, magazine subscriptions - all because they 'can't ' use the internet to order anything.

I'm so upset, that mum would put the phone down on me for pointing out that her views are 'limited'...my goodness I could say an awful lot more!

"Also, even when people return to a home country through choice after many years living elsewhere it's pretty common to find it difficult to adjust and to feel out of place. Which can be harder to manage when it is your original home country where you find yourself feeling like a stranger because everything has changed and moved on without you."

This.

I think people repatriate with expectations that they're returning to EXACTLY what they left, and it just cannot be so. Especially returning to a home town. Buildings they remember have been demolished, new ones put up, roads redirected. Prices have gone up! I wonder if that plays a part in their unwillingness to pay for stuff - they see the current prices as a rip-off because it's so much more expensive than what it cost last time they bought in £s sterling. I moved from a cheap part of the country to an expensive one, and it took some time to accept that that was indeed how much I was going to have to pay for housing !

However, you've said it is a couple of years they've been back, so they should have bit the bullet on that by now.

"They have no friends, they moan about everyone."
I do think returning expats struggle to accept that everyone's life moved on whilst they were away. When they left, everyone they knew had a 'they-shaped gap' in their lives, and your parents expected to slot back in and refill the gap they left. But as time passed, everybody's gaps got filled by other people, other pastimes; there is no gap to fill.

They basically have to put a bit of effort in to build new connections to people they knew before. And they have to accept that those people have changed - if we are all the sum of our experiences, then the people they once knew have added ten years of experiences to their sum and that has changed them. Not accepting that is possibly what's making your mum feel bitter. She expected X. She was met with Y. She feels cheated out of X, even though X is just a (rose-tinted) memory.

They are from a different generation and some rollllll with it. Others don't.

My partner's mum is online and keeps up with Facebook, latest Tele programs and has an I phone. She's 69. Her 77 year old husband is so out of date. No idea how to text. No interest in modern things. Abit boring because he's got no modern interests.

My mum's also with the times. My dad doesn't use Facebook but has a phone and tablet. He likes growing veg. Formula one and football.

I think all you can do is suggest and point out things and its down to them then. They can only help themselves x

netflixismysidehustle Fri 10-Jul-20 19:02:20
Aren't pensioners on pension credit getting a free tv license ?
.....
I don't know the ins and outs of it but did read something just a couple of days ago about over 75s have a free TV licence and this government considering stopping it!

Doesn't apply to me yet, I'm 70 so five years to go. Possibly :-).

My parents are 75 & 78 and are very similar, my 84 year old next door neighbour has sky an iphone and has the Internet- fantastically on the ball.

DGC are not interested in my parents are they are sooo limited in their conversations and moan about unimportant things.

I feel your pain

I suppose their awareness of their ageing and having to leave Spain has got them down. I suppose it can be quite a depressing stage of life, but normally what people do is take a great interest in family and grandchildren. You say there are no actual financial problems? Why are they renting then?, I suppose they're just stuck in a rut. You could encourage them to buy near you by repeating the old 'renting is dead money' trope. And it is a good time to buy I suppose, hasn't Stamp Duty been suspended or something?

My parents (early 80s) are a bit the same. They do enjoy some stuff though, and would see their friends/eat out a lot, until lockdown happened. They are a bit resistant to change though, repeatedly refuse to let me set up online shopping for them, insist on going to the supermarket (in masks) which does worry me a bit. They also have the mindset that they are 'poor pensioners'. They have owned their home outright for decades and have hundreds of thousands in the bank.

I think it is partly because they are frightened of care home fees (which are horrendous as I'm aware), and I understand that, and uncertainty about the future must be frightening. But they don't seem to understand that most of the population have no savings at all. They are convinced that they have to be really careful, and that what they have is only average. Could your parents be the same?

We are similar to your parents in that we returned to the UK after 15 years in Spain, and are in the same age group. Also similar in that one wanted to come home and the other wanted to stay in Spain which has caused bitterness between us.
It is a big adjustment to make. There was a lot of 'the grass is greener' when we were in Spain, and now we find it isn't.
Give them time to adjust and make friends. It has taken us about 2 years. I would then let them get on with it. You are not responsible for their lives and they will have to make their own way.

My husband does the same thing about UK prices. He is still thinking in £'s from 20 years ago. It drives me mad.

This is so helpful, thank you.

I can completely relate to the 'gap filling', unfortunately I don't really need them either. During my troubled times as a single parent, with three under fives, they were abroad. I got on with it myself because I had to.
Sadly, my DC's don't really have a relationship with their grandparents either I suppose because they just weren't around, just not 'inbuilt' to our life. I (pre- COVID) would often say 'why don't you get in touch with DG's and take them out for tea'...it has never happened.

I just want them to be happy, I don't want to be or deserve to be the punch bag.

It really helpful to read about your parents. ( I did tell one of my DC's to just shoot me if I ever end up like them). I don't know what I can do to help...but can empathise with their friends who don't want to spend time with them.

Didn't call my mum tonight, not sure that I can help. I wish they would just 'have a go', enjoy their lives.

So, just rand my mum, asked how she is and specifically said 'after you being so unhappy and putting the phone down on me...' her answer, ' I thought it was for the best' changed the subject and talked about the death of a relative.

What do I do?