Please give me some advice on my partner..

[Anon20200]

Hi, I am truly, truly at my breaking point can someone from an outsiders position give me some advice please.

I’m 28 been with my partner for 9 years, we aren’t engaged, we’ve got two children together.. anyway, he’s recently landed it on me that he’d like me to sleep with other men & not just sleep with them, form an actual relationship with them.. of course this was like a smack in my face & I thought it was a joke or he was testing my loyalty so I played into it to see if it was a joke & it’s not! We’ve talked & I’ve said I absolutely don’t want to do that & he’s said that’s fine he will still be satisfied with me alone without me meeting anyone else, but I’m riddled with doubt. But since he’s said this, he’s began controlling me or at least trying too.

I am a fiery person who absolutely will not back down to anyone but lately I’ve found myself building up the courage to ask him if I can go places, example: food shopping, my brother text & asked if I wanted to call down for a brew (social distancing) there was murder.. he’s demanded to go through my phone, says I don’t spend enough time with the kids if I pop out for a few hours to do some shopping bear in mind I’m the only one who drives, so it’s all down to me, if I sit upstairs for half an hour he says all sorts too me. I cook, clean, he’s never ever once changed the bedding in this house I’ve literally done it all. He’s never so much as cooked me a meal & I’m fine with that but I can’t cope with the controlling & he’s genuinely making me feel like a bad parent if I go out a few times a week for a couple of hours which he knows he’s more than entitled to go out himself, he goes to golf, football, sits on the PlayStation most nights until gone midnight..

I just don’t know what to do anymore?

Sorry for the long message. Thanks to whoever replies x

Tell him to leave. He sounds awful. Just because you've spent the last nine years with him, it doesn't mean you have to waste another second. By the way, his suggestion that you 'have relationships with other men'. Have you considered that he's asking this of you because he has already had relationships with other women?

Oh, and I'd ask HQ to have this moved to the Relationships board. This is chat, not really the place for advice on this sort of thing.

Is "other men" a typo?

Can you not work it out from context of the post?

OP, I’m sorry but I think your relationship is over. His personality change could be a medical issue - but if you’re treading on eggshells just to be let out to do the weekly shop I suspect he won’t take kindly to the suggestion of a doctors appointment.

If he cannot be spoken to, if he cannot be reasoned with, then as hard as it is, you need to make moves to split. Because you can’t live like that. You can’t let him treat you like this and browbeat your personality out of you and model this behaviour to your children.

I think you need to be honest with yourself though that he was never that great if he never cooked a meal or changed a bed. Just he’s now spewing the vitriol as well as demonstrating complete disdain for you and treating you like a maid.

Also @Anon20200 I’d recommend reporting your post and asking for it to be moved to Relationships.

Can you not work it out from context of the post?

I had read it as the OP's husband said he wanted to sleep with other men and was wondering if it was just a typo. Apologies.

I am suitably embarrassed It was perfectly clear OP.
PP's have given sensible advice

Get out and run for the hills.

Bizarre. It almost sounds like he's been setting you up with the see other men topic. Now he's acting as if you actually are??

Actually that makes me wonder.

He IS, as overweightcat says, acting as though you are seeing other men.

Does he suspect that you are unfaithful? Then maybe the 'I want you to sleep with other men' was him giving you the chance to 'come clean' and confess, or say 'oh yes, that sounds brilliant, I'm all for it!'?

But because you haven't, he thinks you are keeping another man a secret? So his controlling you is trying to stop you going out to meet the other man that exists only in his head? Because if that's the case, it doesn't matter what you say, he will take everything you say and do as 'proof' that you are seeing someone else. That kind of jealousy and controlling doesn't disappear, OP.

Of course, there's always the possibillity still that HE is having an affair and deflecting.

Chuck him.
Dont ask him permission for things, and stop doing everything for him.

You should be with someone who treats you well.

I agree that him suggesting you have relations with other men is a clue that he is having or wants to have relations with other women, or one other woman.

You sound strong, OP, you can see his behaviour for what it is. I doubt very much if it will get any better. Women's Aid would be a great support for you to get your head round what's going on and help you to move forward. Please keep yourself safe and do not let him know any of your thoughts or plans.

LTB and never look back

LTB. Thank goodness you aren't married. You dodged a bullet there.