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Original poster

Man who had a long relationship with a woman he taught

24 replies

UltimateWednesday · 10/07/2020 09:03

They got together while she was in sixth form and if you Google him, you can find out that the girl's parents made a complaint to the school that wasn't substantiated, although he did leave the school and teaching for a while. He now works in a sixth form college.

The relationship lasted 10 years and he's now 40.

This is of concern to me as he's now had a handful of dates with a friend (she Googled him, not me). She's a lovely woman, an accomplished professional with a history of choosing appalling men. She's also a single mother with a daughter.

After one date he was telling her he couldn't believe he's met someone he likes so much so soon after the last relationship ended. For a second date, he suggested the daughter join them. Daughter is only 1yo but even so, there must be so many red flags here?

Or, as my friend sees it, they stayed together for 10 years, it must have been a genuine relationship, although obviously concerning for the parents, she was an adult at the time....

As I understand it, this relationship would mean automatic barring from teaching now but not 10 years ago?

OP posts:

darkcaramel · 10/07/2020 09:06

It wouldn’t have been condoned in teaching ten years ago, but I can’t honestly see a connection between a 30 year old and 18 year old and a 40 year old and a 1 year old. The relationship with his student was unlikely to be motivated by paedophila: more likely to have been a desire to relive a lost youth and to feel attractive.

therealkittyfane · 10/07/2020 09:09

What is your concern re. the one year old?

Destroyedpeople · 10/07/2020 09:10

Nothing was different in this regard ten years ago.
Not sure it's even that 'bad' in the greater scheme of things.
She was a sixth former...? Ok inappropriate...

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds Dating General relationships

Destroyedpeople · 10/07/2020 09:11

And what's the issue with the baby?
At least he doesn't want to dump it off or pretend it doesn't exist....

Finfintytint · 10/07/2020 09:11

The abuse of a position of trust law was applied from 2003 but it applies to 16 and 17 year olds ( and under) so she must have been 18.
Seedy behaviour indeed.

NataliaOsipova · 10/07/2020 09:14

Agree with @darkcaramel that there doesn’t seem to be any connection with the 1 year old; more likely that he was keen to see your friend again soon and couldn’t because of childcare, so suggested she bring the child.

A 30 year old with an 18 year old would raise eyebrows....and is a wholly different kettle of fish when the 30 year old is a teacher. On the other hand, if it lasted for 10 years, then it was clearly a genuine relationship. But it’s an add situation, I agree.

slipperywhensparticus · 10/07/2020 09:15

The issue with the one year old is he has been on a handful of date's? Honestly single mums get slated for getting men involved "too soon" in relationships 🙃

therealkittyfane · 10/07/2020 09:16

I know a couple who have been together for 25 years. She first met him when she was 17 and in 6th form. He was 30 and her tutor. They got together when she was 18 and he was 31. She’s now 43 and he is now 56 and two of the happiest people I know!

77wasmyyear · 10/07/2020 09:17

He would be struck off the teaching register if it was in Scotland- it's viewed as abuse of position of trust even if she was 18

maddy68 · 10/07/2020 09:19

My friend was in school and went out with our teacher (he was actually only 5 years older than her ) they've been married for twenty years it wasn't a "thing" then. Like it is now.

Original poster

UltimateWednesday · 10/07/2020 09:20

I don't think the one year old is at risk, although I do wonder at what point he found out how old the little girl is.

I'm more concerned that my friend has picked "another one". I think the history, plus the full on early declarations and wanting it to get to a level where he meets her daughter so early is what makes him a concern to me.

Friend didn't agree to take daughter.

OP posts:

darkcaramel · 10/07/2020 09:22

It’s not quite true that someone would be definitely struck off now.

Schools quite often Do Not Like A Scandal and the teacher will resign, may get a fairly minimal reference, but nothing more. A lot depends on who finds out and what subsequently happens as a result.

But by the by - I tend to find that teachers who seek relationships with their students are immature and seeking admiration, and that is the motivation, not an inherent attraction to young people. Obviously I’m talking about the sort of teacher attracted to an 18 year old sixth former there, not an actual child.

Finfintytint · 10/07/2020 09:22

Sounds like he has found himself another vulnerable target.

onceuponatimeinsuburbia · 10/07/2020 09:56

Not really any of your business is it OP? Your friend is an adult and can make her own judgements. You don't know this man particularly well do you? Beyond what you've read in an old news report at least? If you value the friendship you should butt out until and unless you know more/your friend asks your opinion.

Original poster

UltimateWednesday · 10/07/2020 09:58

My friend did ask my opinion, that's why I know any of this, but even if she didn't is it wrong to have concern for a friend?

OP posts:

Finfintytint · 10/07/2020 10:06

I agree UltimateWednesday, we are all in a crap place if we can’t show concern for a friend and discuss relationships.

Sophiesdog2020 · 10/07/2020 10:15

What was the age difference between him and the 6th former?

My DH has a relative who married her teacher, they started going out at end of 6th form, there is an 8yr age gap. She was from a staunch religious family but her parents accepted the relationship.

Married after she graduated and still very very happily married almost 45 yrs later.

Different times then, I know, but sometimes there are genuine relationships and if this guy had a 10yr one, then I don’t see it as a problem.

DianasLasso · 10/07/2020 10:18

@UltimateWednesday

I don't think the one year old is at risk, although I do wonder at what point he found out how old the little girl is.

Friend didn't agree to take daughter.

I can totally see why you're suspicious.

How did he react to her not taking her daughter? (It's an old adage on here, but a useful one: say no to something early on in dating and see how the man reacts to that 'no'.)

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/07/2020 10:21

Why did the ten year relationship end? I think that's important.

If she 'grew up' and he lost any perceived influence over her and is seeking to recreate a dependant relationship with someone else, then that's a matter of concern.

If she left him and he's trying to immediately fall into another comfortable relationship where he doesn't have to try too hard, that's a concern.

If she decided she doesn't want children, and he very much does, and that ended the relationship, then maybe he just really wants a family, hence wanting to meet the one year old.

If they simply grew apart and mutually decided to end their relationship, that's not so bad, although the lack of much of a gap would be worrying.

So maybe that's something for your friend to explore.

Original poster

UltimateWednesday · 10/07/2020 10:30

I don't know why the relationship ended and if I did, I'd only know what he said about it .

OP posts:

NaughtyLittleElf · 10/07/2020 10:32

Men showing an interest in my daughter too soon was a red flag for me when I was dating, when they ask you how many kids?what ages? boys or girls? before they've asked you what you do for a living is creepy and an immediate end to the conversation.

That would be more of an issue for me than the previous relationship, although that would also put me off instantly.

therealkittyfane · 10/07/2020 10:48

If I was dating a new man they would be some of my first questions! Does he have a family? How old are his children? Do they live with him?
I would be expected to be asked the same. It really isn’t creepy to want to know what their situation is!
A man with 8 kids from several different relationships would be a no from me.
Equally, a man with a very young baby with his ‘ex’ would also be a no.

kenandbarbie · 10/07/2020 11:15

Yeah I agree. Your friend doesn't sound a good picker. There's so many men in the world, why bother with one who went out with a schoolgirl when he was her 30 year old teacher.

NoAdventureNoTime · 10/07/2020 11:29

See I'm not sure why, a man who previously had a relationship with an almost child. And is now asking after the 1 year old child of the next lady on the very first date doesn't ring massive alarm bells. Honestly if a man I'd dated once asked me to bring my 1 year old along next time, I'd be thinking he wanted to see the child more than me! Why no one else is saying this, I don't know, but your friend is potentially making a very dangerous mistake in ignoring this.

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