Step sister has got in contact

[NotMySister]

NC.

Technically-step-sister has messaged me on facebook.
Very out of the blue.
Originally got in contact with her ten years ago. Not sure why. I guess after the birth of my children I couldn't understand how a father could abandon them? We had limited contact with father when under 10 and have not heard from him since. We did attend his wedding where we met our new "step sisters" - they are much older than us and were teens, but again, we were under 10.
She messaged about 3 years ago to tell us medical details of father that might have affected us, but by then we already knew so i wrote back to that effect.
Now she has messaged again to touch based saying that she has been thinking of us due to CV.
I have no idea how to respond. She seems lovely. I guess CV is making people think about things. I have to admit that I very rarely,if ever ,think about father as i have a dear dad who i love very much who has filled the role most of my life. I once wanted to know why but i guess life has moved on and i am very much over it.

Receiving the message was such a shock and i was actually about to head out to walk the dog with my own teens. Weirdly,it brought tears almost? No idea what that was about. I mentioned it in shock saying "oh my i guess step sister? Just messaged me?! " the teens were all we know nothing of your family except dear dads side and my mums side,although they do know dear dad is not my biological father. Dh was like "that's a conversation we can have later" shutting down discussion, so we went on the dog walk. We didnt end up talking about it. And the teens asked nothing further.

So I have no idea how to respond. DH's comment was wierd. My family is not a dirty secret not to be discussed in front of the dc. It just is what it is. I have no feelings anymore about it, just factual. There is no danger, sadness, resentment or any of that. It just is?

There was no joy or relief or any feeling other than shock at the message. Except the odd teary feeling? But again, the tears weren't connected to any emotion I can identify.

So do i respond? How do I know what to do? I cant even start to process this.

*anger not danger!

do you have childhood memories of her?

i agree that people are reaching out to old friends/family.

you dont have to respond yet, or at all

No memories, no. Just photos of the wedding. Weirdly I have no childhood memories, other than the stories behind photos. So I know I was there, as there is a photo, but dont remember it phyiscally, I just know the story of the photo, if that makes sense? There are no memories independent of photos. And of her, there is just the one.

I'm sorry your DH responded like that. Is he usually emotionally unsupportive? If not, could you ask him why he did respond like that, point out that it wasn't very kind, and ask him to actively be supportive to you about it. Perhaps he did have some knee jerk reaction to seeing you have an emotional response in front of the children, and wanted to shut it down - but that's a dreadful message to teach children. And as you say, it's not some dirty secret. Try and bring it up again.

You don’t have to feel any kinds of emotions. It may genuinely be that she just thought of you because of the outbreak. From her point of view, I can imagine that when you’re a child growing up in a household where your stepfather has nothing to do with his own children it doesn’t really register, but when you become an adult and have children of your own the reality of what that means might hit home more...

Ultimately she didn’t ask to be in the situation either. But it’s possible she could still feel some guilt over the fact that she was and you weren’t. Iyswim.

You could just reply saying thank you for thinking of you and hope they’re well etc. It doesn’t have to go anywhere from there...

Agree with @AlternativePerspective who expressed it better than I ever could.

I quickly raised it with DH this morning and he was ok about it, he said he didnt mean to minimise, he just meant it needed context for the dc rather than me talking about it as an every day thing, cos really, it isn't, because that side of the family font feature in our lives. He is usually supportive, I think it just shocked us both. He has a apologied and said it isn't a secret at all and didnt mean it like that, so all is fine on that front.

Feel a bit better that some say it is fine to take time to respond or not even respond at all. It takes the pressure off.

Feels very odd though. But then CV had made things odd all around.

They are in a different country now, so there will be no expectation to meet up or anything.

I think you need to separate your thoughts about your dad from those about your step sister. Do you want a relationship with HER? That's the only consideration.

@AlternativePerspective

You don’t have to feel any kinds of emotions. It may genuinely be that she just thought of you because of the outbreak. From her point of view, I can imagine that when you’re a child growing up in a household where your stepfather has nothing to do with his own children it doesn’t really register, but when you become an adult and have children of your own the reality of what that means might hit home more...

Ultimately she didn’t ask to be in the situation either. But it’s possible she could still feel some guilt over the fact that she was and you weren’t. Iyswim.

You could just reply saying thank you for thinking of you and hope they’re well etc. It doesn’t have to go anywhere from there...

Interestingly she did mention years ago in the brief messages we had then that she understands as their father had nothing to do with them, and our father had seen what that did to them so felt some guilt. Didnt change the fact he never tried to find us though, so

@WentworthPrison

I think you need to separate your thoughts about your dad from those about your step sister. Do you want a relationship with HER? That's the only consideration.

No idea. She seems lovely enough. I guess it feels wierd as she does have a relationship with him and she mentions that WE are mentioned. So if we did have contact would she tell him stuff about us? And I dont know how i feel about that? Cos I don't really know them? Put on top of that, I cant remeber her, other than this one photo.