Does anyone else have a relative like this?

[Venus12345]

My auntie (DM’s only sister) has always been a big part of our lives - her and my DM are best friends as well as sisters and so we saw her weekly during our childhood and holidayed together etc.

This all sounds lovely except we (sister and I) cannot stand her. We’ve both continued the weekly meetings well into our adulthood out of habit and no choice of our own to be honest (everyone gathers at either my Nan’s or my DM’s religiously every Sunday for lunch so she’s obviously always there when we are).

That’s the background - now to the crux of the matter and why we dislike her. I can’t even put my finger on it to be honest so I’m going to have to use examples but some of the following words spring to mind:

• Nosy
• Bitter
• Jealous
• Rude

Examples:

• She has to know every detail of our lives and will often corner us and fire continual questions at us until we manage to escape. She also already knows the answers to most of these questions from my DM but will ask anyway. No tact given either, i.e. will outright ask how much money we earn, details about relationships, breakups, etc. There is no such thing as a casual conversation with her because she is constantly giving us the third degree.

• Sister and I both work in similar middle-management type office jobs with similar salaries. Neither of us went to university and have just worked our way up slightly from entry level admin roles that we took when we left school. Auntie studied for years and is a qualified Play Therapist but earns a pittance. Constantly refers to us as boring paper pushers who get paid too much for what we do. Major chip on her shoulder about her whole life situation to be honest.

• Rude and uncalled for comments about our appearance/makeup/outfit/weight every time she sees us.

I’m sure that’s enough to give you an idea of what I’m talking about - nothing major I know but enough to make us both dread spending any sort of time with her. Don’t have the heart to tell our DM about our feelings towards her so we just keep schtum and moan to each other about her after!

Anyway, lockdown has been bliss because I haven’t had to see her for months and I think I’m going to really struggle the first time we do have to see her again.

Does anyone else have a relative like this?

Good grief. Maybe lockdown has given you the opportunity to break free? Stop attending the gatherings and/or start responding adult to adult. And tell your mum her sister is a sour miserable bitch - she probably knows though.

I have a similar family member. Because of their shitty personality they have no friends. So if we didn’t see them they would actually have no one. DH is too kind to leave them out. (I’m not. I would happily never see them again.)

I have perfected my WTF face in the style of Tim from The Office. At Christmas I tell myself I’m doing my bit for charity to keep a smile on my face all day.

Why do you put up with this?

Why do you put up with this?

Do you ever call her out? I mean, in a really serious way like ‘You’re rude and I don’t think you should ask xyz?’ I’d be asking her, because I’m quite an arsey bitch.

How old are you and your sister now?

You're adults - you don't have to answer her probing questions.

@Purplewithred I really hope so! The thought of seeing her after all this time really gets my back up so I’m planning on just not returning to the usual gatherings and seeing my DM and Nan separately from now on in. Sour miserable bitch is the perfect description actually 😂

@FireUnderpants yep same with her! Terrible personality so has no friends whatsoever - just a long standing partner who deserves a medal for putting up with her for this long, a daughter who she barely has any contact with and then my DM and us. Like you I would happily never see her again and have already stopped responding to her constant WhatsApps and phone calls but it’s just the way that she’s managed to infiltrate all of our family time which makes it difficult.

The Christmas bit definitely rings true for me as well!

@GoshHashana not wanting any conflict in the family is probably the main reason to be honest - as ridiculous as that sounds. I know my DM would be heartbroken by the whole thing as she seems to be completely oblivious and thinks she’s great. Time to grow a pair though I think!

@Cherrysoup not in as many words no! Sister and I tend to make it quite obvious by the looks we give each other etc but she’s obviously past the point of picking up on anything like that.

Just throwing in Luke 10, v7 - seems appropriate for this situation:

And in the same house remain, eating and drinking such things as they give: for the labourer is worthy of his hire. Go not from house to house.

@bitofasleuth both late 20’s! Been brought up to avoid all conflict so it’s always just been easier to put up with it and then let it all out to each other after. Lockdown has made us realise we don’t want her in our lives so somethings got to change!

Thankfully not, but if Covid 19 means you have a reason not to return to normal, then at least one good thing has come out of the pandemic.

Sounds as though she has no filter tbh (what you describe is possibly what a few people might wonder but be too polite to ask). Is it possible to come up with a few cheeky put-downs that you could both use when you have to see her? 'Oh my gosh, that's really personal!' with a big grin and then turn away. Or, 'wouldn't you like to know!' again, with a grin. A bit of passive-aggressive that she can't call you out on but will shut the door on her unpleasantness. Sounds as though your mum is very fond of her so it's a difficult one.

I have one. In our case, we didn't have to see her that often as she lived far away. But I remember a trip I took where I stayed with her. The worst part was that although her and my mum were close, she had all kinds of snide comments to make.

In my case, I started taking her comments at total face value and responding with enthusiasm - ie ignored the snide. eg her: "Ooh, it's nice how your mum and dad have money to travel, not like the rest of us." Me:"I know, isn't it fantastic? They've worked so hard. Did you see their last email from when they were in the Serengeti? Looked amazing."

So my only suggestion is prepare a few suitable responses accordingly. Don't try to justify or explain or deflect. Her: "Ooh, put on a bit of weight have you?" You (cheerful): "Yup. I like that my breasts are bigger now." or "Lockdown's a bitch." Whatever.

Her: pencil pushers get paid too much. You: "Well, I'm so glad I chose a profession that pays well. Makes my life so much easier."

I found these kind o statements just killed the conversation. So I could then move on etc.

I have an in law like this. It’s hard because there is no one incident that warrants a big fallout, but every conversation is such hard work.

I mostly smile and nod. Still hard work though.

Nit quite the same but similar situation in a group of neighbours. Best thing to do imho is to keep saying (politely and calmly but directly as if you genuinely want to know) "why do you want to know that?" And don't be tempted to fill the ensuing silence with conversation. Similar with criticism, respond with "why do you say that?" followed by silence. Or "I disagree" then silence. It works most of the time!

It doesn't sound ridiculous at all not to want conflict within the family. You obviously have been putting up with this for your mum' s sake for a while, which is really kind of you and your sister.

That doesn't mean to say that, now you are older, you have to have the same relationship with your aunt that your mother does, although it will be hard to avoid her if she is at every family get together. So the question is how to manage this situation going forward.

I think I would start by you and your sister talking to your mum. Be clear about your objectives and communicate them clearly to her. Reassure her that you are not out to cause upset or trouble but that you are really uncomfortable with the level of interest, judgement and negative criticism levelled at you by your aunt. Say you are no longer comfortable with it so could she please share less about your lives with her, could she possibly organise fewer family events where she is present, and warn your mum that from now on you will be less accommodating and less forthcoming where your aunt is concerned, and that you may start to challenge her politely when she starts to ask intrusive questions or is adversely negative and you may politely shut the conversation down .

Has your mum not already picked up on the fact that you dislike your aunt? She may be very much aware of it.