People who thrive on "fixing" you

[NellMangel]

Is this a known personality type...? At least two people I've know have been like this.

They are fantastic when the chips are down. Checking in, stream of encouraging texts etc. But when you're back on form, they are not interested at all and drop you like a sack of spuds. It's like you are a pet project.

One of them regularly visited a former colleague who was an alcoholic. Took her food parcels, books, had a chat. I thought "what an absolute dismond"...then I sat beside her at work. She would report back on the colleague in a horrible way, doing an impression, telling me what a mess she was, rolling her eyes about her. It's like she loved the "doing good" and despised the person.

Another was amazing when my relationship broke down in spectacular fashion. But I've noticed she quite liked that dynamic, now my life is steady and happy, she's a different person.

My armchair psychology is wondering if there's a weird power play with people like this. They thrive on an almost parent/child relationship and get resentful when it becomes more balanced. It's made me very cynical!

I know someone like this.

In her case I thinks she thrives on a need to be needed if you know what I mean.
She loves helping people she feels “needs” her help and will drop them as soon as they are “better” and moves onto her next project.

I think it’s a reflection of her own insecurities and a need to be needed. Unfortunately her need to help other people results in her own family being neglected which is really sad for her dc ☹️

My mother is like this. She chooses only to be around people who are in some way weaker, troubled, ill, or unfortunate. In her case the power play is entirely unconscious and stems from low self-esteem. She is a meek, lonely person, has a lifelong warped idea of friendships as involving service, and thinks there’s only a role for her in someone’s life if they’re in trouble or in need in some way. Because someone well and happy doesn’t ‘need’ her.

She is particularly turned off by female success and confidence, and has always preferred me when I’m down, or have failed at something, because it confirms her ‘can’t win, don’t try’ attitude, and makes her feel needed.

It has also resulted in her being completely friendless all her life, as she trots around ‘selflessly’ servicing people who have no idea who she really is but are prepared to exploit her, and putting off potential friends who are turned off by someone who conceived of themselves as a type of handmaid.

What’s wrong with people stepping up to help others? I’d happy help anyone who needed it, wouldn’t necessarily enjoy a night out with them though!!

My DM is like this. She has the saviour complex. She says that I am very competent and spits it out as if it is an insult.

It isn’t “stepping up” green it is taking over and making yourself indispensable, then feeding off the gratitude to flatter your own saintly ego.

And yes, @Justgivemewine, we were neglected as children. My mother saw us as an aspect of her, therefore we shouldn’t mind coming last behind the wishes of random other people.

I think it all stemmed from a weak terror of being disliked, and her boundaries were so poor that she thought saying no to an outrageous request from a slight acquaintance would ‘give them an excuse’ to dislike her. Whereas we couldn’t dislike her because we were her children.

It was a disastrous way to grow up.

Well, my working life is the exact opposite of this....

Learned helplessness.

People who would genuinely rather stay in a situation which disadvantages them and their families, hurts only them and makes their lives more difficult rather than doing any single thing to affect change. Just sit and wait for rescue.

I'm sure your situations are true too.

@GreenTulips, helping someone is fine. Only ever being around people because they need your help — or you think they do — suggests that consciously or consciously, you need to feel powerful. Not being able to say no to the most exploitative request because you have no boundaries and need to buy validation via services to others is also pretty unhealthy.

I think I know roughly what you mean Op. I’m 31 and only in the last 2 months have I not had to support, care for, feed, wash, shop for and otherwise parent a family member who should have been able to take care of themselves. I don’t know any different so now I’m like “Well what do I do now?”.

i always remember my daughter as a young teenager lamenting about her dad when she told him her (fairly normal) teenage problems... "why does he always want to give me advice... why cant he just listen"

i learnt a lot from my daughter

Yup they are referred to as ‘Foul weather friends’ (as opposed to fair weather) those who thrive on the drama.

I know someone like this, and yes it is very much borne out of her own insecurities and the narcissistic belief that she can help these weak, inferior individuals out. Behind closed doors she pours scorn upon them🙄.

Think we are bunching different folk in together. The person bitching behind the other's back sounds horrid and manipulative.

I think there are people who get off on the parenting dynamic.

However, I think there are also people who are very empathetic of suffering and will go the extra mind when someone is struggling to be there for them. They simply may feel they are less needed (and even doubt their intrinsic value as a friend) once somebody is out of trouble. I don't think that needs to be sinister or a bad quality. I would totally stretch to support someone I thought was suffering and alone. But that wouldn't mean I wanted to be long term friends. It's kindness - not affinity. And with well established friends, If they go through a hard time, I will definitely make more of an effort to see them, then back off again when they are back on their feet. I don't enjoy supporting them more when they are struggling, but I am more needed, so I will be there more.

I've had something fairly similar happen to me (from two separate people.)

I haven't ever particularly need fixing, but I am someone who likes to tread their own path, and not a conformist (but not "out there".) Both of these people seemed to designate me as a project. I found it odd when the first person did it, but the second I was quite perturbed.

I put it down to them needing to feel superior, and by "helping" me, they were trying to demonstrate their worth to be greater than mine.

I used to work with someone like this. If anybody ever had personal problems, she would zoom in and make out she was being helpful. Then she'd end up telling others about that person's problems! 🙄

In reality, she is a very insecure, needy person in an unhappy marriage and being the 'Fixer' for people gives her some worth in her sad, miserable life.

I've been on the other side of this. Supported people in many ways for months or even years and when their life got back on track they turned on me or simply dropped me. No more messages, no more meeting up . Of course I bloody moved on. One was particularly hurtful as our children were also friends and DD kept asking about seeing x , but my friend was always busy or barely talking to me. Another had a meltdown and called me all the names under the sun because when I had a crisis I went to stay with a different friend which gave them the perfect excuse to distance themselves.

@LesNanas the second example in my post is also turned off by success and confidence in women. As soon as a colleague is promoted above her she starts sniping about them. That's what made me think there was a power dynamic at play.

It's a fine line. I know plenty of people who are kind and helpful. But they take the smooth with the rough! They enjoy interacting with you when you are at your best.

The experiences I've highlighted are different. It's more than offering a helping hand, it's quite intense "I'm there for you" stuff. Like I went from being a friendly work acquaintance to getting round the clock messages, advice and pep talks. But it was totally situational "task and finish" and she has moved on to the next case. Job done. Like Highway to Heaven.