Visiting MIL in hospital

[BrandNewShinyThings]

My 83 yr old MIL is in hospital undergoing tests following a fainting episode. FIL passed away in Feb. There are 2 SILs who are both useless in terms of support, one lives miles away and is very emotionally needy, the other lives an hour's drive away but has form for not visiting/phoning and is generally quite selfish. I could go into more detail but there's a history of her being neglected by them, and FIL when he was alive. My DH works away in the week (2+ hours drive and works very long days).
MIL is allowed one visitor. She has asked if I will come. Being completely honest I feel very uncomfortable about going into the hospital. I feel it is an unnecessary risk. I've dropped stuff off for her yesterday and today but only had to go into the reception area. I also feel under emotional pressure to go because I'm the only one who will bother. And I also feel annoyed that MIL hasn't even asked how I feel about it, just I can have one visitor, will you come.
If it were the weekend DH would almost certainly go. I just can't shake the anxiety even if it is an over reaction.
Help me MN I don't know what to do.

I totally understand your feeling apprehensive but I would go. Obviously I don't have any knowledge of your relationship but the fact she has asked you makes me think you are regardless quite highly to her. She may not have any visitors at all otherwise which I know isn't your fault but she is probably lonely/upset/anxious. Wear a mask and sanitise/wash your hands as much as you can, if you take every precaution possible then hopefully you will feel OK about going.

I'm on one with the spelling and grammatical errors tonight 🙈 hopefully you make sense of what I wrote!

Thanks for your reply. She is always saying how grateful she is for my help etc. I am usually very happy and willing to be there for her, we get on well but being very harsh, she's my MIL not my mum who I am very close to. Also I would hate to pass the virus on to my own mum and dad. They are both overweight and not very fit and in their 70s. So I would feel I should keep my distance from them for 14 days to be on the safe side.
But I agree she's on her own and would love a visit and that's what is making me feel so conflicted.

@Cheesecakejar

I'm on one with the spelling and grammatical errors tonight 🙈 hopefully you make sense of what I wrote!

Yes I did, thank you!

I’ve been attending twice weekly appts in hospital, including close checkups (ie nurses or Drs having to get closer to me than 2 metres) and it’s been fine. All medical staff and visitors will be in masks and staff will be following strict hand washing and PPE guidelines. If I were you I would wear a mask and go. I hope this provides some reassurance to you around visiting hospitals. You can also socially distance when visiting your parents and wear a mask.

Unless you’re shielding I would go. Wear a mask use the hand sanitizer provided. You should still be socially distancing from your parents anyway especially as they are in the high risk group. If they need you to drop off supplies drop them on the doorstep. You can still speak to them on the phone/FaceTime through the window.
Your MIL has just lost her husband and is in hospital and must be very scared. I would go in a heartbeat.

@Pregnantandstressed24

I’ve been attending twice weekly appts in hospital, including close checkups (ie nurses or Drs having to get closer to me than 2 metres) and it’s been fine. All medical staff and visitors will be in masks and staff will be following strict hand washing and PPE guidelines. If I were you I would wear a mask and go. I hope this provides some reassurance to you around visiting hospitals. You can also socially distance when visiting your parents and wear a mask.

Thank you that's very reassuring actually.

@Rose789

Unless you’re shielding I would go. Wear a mask use the hand sanitizer provided. You should still be socially distancing from your parents anyway especially as they are in the high risk group. If they need you to drop off supplies drop them on the doorstep. You can still speak to them on the phone/FaceTime through the window. Your MIL has just lost her husband and is in hospital and must be very scared. I would go in a heartbeat.

She's not scared. I've known her for 27 years, she's a dominant character to say the least. She'll be fed up and missing having someone to talk to. And yes I am still distancing from my parents but we've had cups of tea in the garden etc and I would want to be extra careful.

It's interesting how different hospitals are doing this so differently. Ours is no visitors at all unless end of life care. I took DH a bag at the weekend and wasn't even allowed into the reception, they came to take it from me on the street.

Are you worried about the risk to you? I'd say there isn't one. Staff are tested regularly and the patients are all tested before they're moved to a ward. Any Covid patients are isolated. The risk is what visitors might take in.

I understand being fed up that her own family won't go but I'd do it.

I was going to say go, for all the reasons pp have mentioned, including the cautious provisions in place, but then you mentioned your own parents. In their state, I would not visit them for 14 day after spending time visiting a hospital. So if you want/need to see your parents then you have to apologise toMIL and explain why.

If it were my MIL i would go regardless, and wear a mask and practice social distancing. I understand the frustration at other family members but she clearly feels close to you - especially given how useless her two actual daughters sound at being supportive.
I would be worried as you are, but I think this is the safest we have been throughout the pandemic so far and I wouldn't be able to stand the idea of no one visiting her. I am very fond of my MiL and do have a close relationship with her though and I would be very upset to think of her alone and possibly lonely and knowing she had asked me and I had not attended.

@UltimateWednesday

It's interesting how different hospitals are doing this so differently. Ours is no visitors at all unless end of life care. I took DH a bag at the weekend and wasn't even allowed into the reception, they came to take it from me on the street.

Are you worried about the risk to you? I'd say there isn't one. Staff are tested regularly and the patients are all tested before they're moved to a ward. Any Covid patients are isolated. The risk is what visitors might take in.

I understand being fed up that her own family won't go but I'd do it.

To be honest I'd just assumed it would be no visitors but today she has said she's been told she can have one person. Yes I suppose I was thinking about the risk to me, and my own family. That has given me some perspective thank you.

I was going to say go, for all the reasons pp have mentioned, including the cautious provisions in place, but then you mentioned your own parents. In their state, I would not visit them for 14 day after spending time visiting a hospital. So if you want/need to see your parents then you have to apologise toMIL and explain why.

I would expect DH to do the same for either of my parents

I would expect DH to do the same for either of my parents

Yes I know what you are all saying about doing the right thing, being completely honest (and saying on here what I cannot say out loud in real life) I resent the assumption that I will go. If it were my mum, she would 100% have said to me, I'd love to see you but if you feel at all uncomfortable then don't come. MIL is very different, very forthright and will not have considered that I might feel uncomfortable.

@zaffa

I would expect DH to do the same for either of my parents

That has made me stop and think. Would my DH go to see my mum if I couldn't? In all honesty its always been me who's around and him who's away, so it's hard to reverse it. I guess he would if I were ill or something. I feel this is throwing up all sorts of issues not related to Covid

My 2 year old had to go to a & e today and she was very scared and braved it as was I. It was really quiet and eerie, but staff were helpful and all was well. Follow their guidance, they have someone at door giving you gel, mask and temperature check. Then make sure you know where you are going. They security even gave her a cheery goodbye when we left! No mention of having to do anything other than follow the current guidelines after too.

It is the unknown that is scary so hopefully that will help you go visit her.

@Ratbagratty

My 2 year old had to go to a & e today and she was very scared and braved it as was I. It was really quiet and eerie, but staff were helpful and all was well. Follow their guidance, they have someone at door giving you gel, mask and temperature check. Then make sure you know where you are going. They security even gave her a cheery goodbye when we left! No mention of having to do anything other than follow the current guidelines after too.

It is the unknown that is scary so hopefully that will help you go visit her.

Thank you. Glad your DD is OK. Funnily enough I had to take my DS to our A&E, our local hospital has had no Covid cases or deaths for several weeks so it did feel safe. MIL is at her local hospital which is an hour's drive from us, I'm not sure how to find out their numbers.