Do you know anyone who has had an amicable separation/divorce

[TravellingSpoon]

Because I am starting to think it isn't possible, or that I am hoping for too much.

Yes, me! It wasn’t amicable all along but it got there in the end!

Good luck. X

I did! No kids involved, and I was the higher earner. I fear those factors may have been helpful. From what I've seen of others' divorces, much of the conflict often comes from disagreements about where children should live and how much time they should spend with the other parent.

Finances can also be contentious and I fear sites like MN don't help - posters come on and get encouraged to "take the bustard to the cleaners" or denand spousal maintenance in cases where it patently isn't appropriate. Some people would prefer to listen to randoms on the Internet who are saying what they want to hear, rather than the solicitor they're paying but who is warning them they may not get as much money as they want.

Yes, we're 14 years on and still get on well. It's not easy, there were moments where I could have cried with frustration, but our DS is brilliant, happy and the very best of us both - so it was worth it.

However, if one of you aims for amicable and the other is a treacherous asshat, it's never going to happen. You both have to be very determined and very open to the fact that you're going to have to co-operate.

Yes, we did. Had it's moments but we're still friendly enough.

My 30 year old DS has often said he sees how much damage has been done to some of his friends and every so often he specifically thanks me for not putting him through that.

Yes. The DC were older teens so that aspect wasn't so terrible - no problems with access etc. I wanted the divorce after several years of sticking around for stability for the kids. Once they were both out of school I just told him I wanted out. He wasn't happy but we managed to stay civil and it all worked out OK for everyone.

We've been divorced for 17 years now . Both remarried, and we only see each other at family events where we speak cordially but not at length. So yes it can be done.

Yes, myself. We were very young when we got married (I was 21, he was 24) and we realised that we had made a mistake and had settled down too young. No arguments, we just didn't love each other any more.

We had 10 month old DS when we separated. We co parent and get along well. Ex has a long term girlfriend who I also get along with and we can do things together with DS (now 7) altogether with no problems.

Me! ExH and I are friends now. It was a bit tricky initially but after we’d sorted out the finances it was fine. We still kind of love each other, but like family now. He comes to stay, we eat and cook together as a family. We both knew this was the best situation for our children.

Yes lots.

I'm on extended mat leave but was a family solicitor in Scotland for nearly 20 years.

So clearly lots of high conflict, court cases. However over half my work would be straight forward separation agreements and divorces.

There were always trigger periods where things were harder. The initial few weeks post break up, to the point that often seeing a solicitor that early, emergency orders aside, can be a provocative move.

When one began a new relationship, before things were sorted, again, could cause a blow up.

Unsettled arrangements around children.

Usually once finances agreed and sorted everything else fell into place.

Many, many people came in for a divorce and had sorted everything else without any issue at all.

One of my friends, but that is largely because his wife had become so used to picking up all the slack in the marriage, making all the decisions, doing all the childcare and cooking etc, that when he announced out of the blue that he wanted a divorce, she just continued making life as easy as possible for him. He's supposed to have the children 50/50, but this has turned into 'an occasional night', half his enormous amounts of stuff is still in the marital home, despite the fact that he's had his own house nearby for nearly a year.

So amiable, yes, but at the expense of one partner's exploitation.

Good luck!

I'm in exactly the same position as LesNanas 's friend. Amicable, and the dc appear completely unaffected, because I continue to put ALL my focus on acting normal and "everything's fine".

I've hidden from him and the dc that a - I'm devastated because I feel like my life and heart are unrepairably broken, and b - I think men who do what he did are the scum of the Earth.

So yes, but at a cost. However all situations are different.

I did.

Adult children although one still dependent.

We are still friends. Just changed over the years. I intigated the divorce.

We are both reasonable people.

It can happen if you are both able to sit and talk through it and both be reasonable. Saves a fortune on solicitors too! Bonus

@MuseumOfYou

Similar here. My oldest son commented about how his friends were damaged by their parents using them as weapons, the constant battles etc. A couple of his friends have lasting damage and the extended family fall out was awful

He actually said how proud he was of us for not turning our divorce into a battleground.

Me.
We seperated after 13 yrs, 2 DC, daily contact with DC, sees them every 3rd week ( works away).
There has been a few issues but its always been amicable.
We speak often regarding our children, support each other fully whilst parenting together.

Sorry to hear ir, @LightenUpSummer. If it's the slightest consolation, my friend is in no doubt about my opinion of his laziness (he didn't have an affair, he just decided he could not longer cope with family life, despite me pointing out that he was going to have to do a lot more cooking/parenting if he had the children 50/50). Hopefully your husband's friends are equally unimpressed.

Yes . Me too.
3 kids married 18 years.
Became 'housemates' over the years.

Kids all grown now but I still speak to him every week. Never had any childcare issues.

I remarried 2 years later. DHs divorce was the polar opposite..

It's great that so many of you have achieved an amicable split. Hats off to you! But I just wanted to chip in on behalf of those of us who hate the fall out and animosity but have come out of abusive relationships where wishing to be amicable gets trampled beneath our need to survive and get out. I feel enormous guilt that my son can't see his parents communicating and getting along but unfortunately any direct contact I have with his Dad comes at significant risk to me. So, anyway, just sending a friendly wave of recognition to anyone in a similar boat.

My in laws.

Separated when their youngest was in their early 20s but now are basically like best friends. They do all family events together and travel up together to come see us.

Not going to lie, as a child of an acrimonious divorce I found it very odd. Lovely, but odd.

A friend of mine has her ex and his new wife & kids over for birthday dinners etc for her kids regularly. Her ex travels a lot for work and she's had the whole lot of them stay over quite a few times when he's collecting/dropping of her kids. She and her new partner went with her kids to stay near ex for a holiday (when he lived overseas)- they all had days out together, took it in turns to babysit for all the DC etc. They were not married but had been together for quite a few years and have 3DC. I know things were never hostile but were difficult at first- them both having new partners seems to have actually made things easier for them.

I do. Don't get me wrong, he's a controlling prick, but we are also friends, we call each other for advice, we get on really well with our respective new partners. My DH now would actually call my exH a friend. When we attend SEN meetings for one of our children all together, the professionals involved always comment on how rare it is.

It takes time ime.

My divorce wasn't amicable (he left for ow) but it's fine now. He doesn't mess about with money and sees the children reliably. I've not mucked him about with child contact and I don't create stress for him like abusing his gf.

In the beginning it was madness culminating in me having to throw him out after he accused me of poisoning his food and drink. We've not argued since.

@TravellingSpoon

Keep going. It does take time and negotiation and if rows and screaming and shouting can be avoided if can make it better for everyone long term, especially children.

It is lovely to see a thread where things have been amicable and people can work together - not seen this type of thread before since so many where things for lots and lots of reasons end up bad.

Best wishes to you. Sometimes it is better to walk away or be the grown up. I have had friends argue over who is going to get the cd's, plates etc, it really isn't worth it, sometimes it feels like point scoring or control rather than that a person really wants something. It isn't easy all the time though as many here have said but if you can stay friends (especially if children involved) then do.

I did. No kids which made it easier. Totally amicable and we are still friends. We had to be very honest with each other. Neither of us was greedy and we were both kind and generous with each other. I'm actually very proud of how we both managed it.

I’m only 5 months in to an amicable separation (11 years, kids are 8 and 9).
I know I’m naive to think it will always be amicable, but we’re off to a pretty good start so far and I know we both want it to say good for the kids.

I did this.

Divorce instigated by me and not what ex wanted. Had been together for many years, 2 DCs. I just didn't love him anymore. There were a few hairy moments when still living together as the pressure was getting to us both.

It got sorted though. We agreed straight away on the financial split, I drove the divorce so he didn't have to do much. I also sorted out the house so he didn't have to do much. Children were sorted with contact times, which were agreed with only 1 argument.

I'm with someone else and I'm fairly sure ex isn't happy about it but never mind, he attempts to hide it but I think the DCs are aware. Youngest isn't bothered by that but I think it affects my eldest with my DP. I'm hoping in time that will settle though. We don't argue over them though and they see us chat amicably on the doorstep. He came over for Xmas day last year at their request but I won't be doing that again even though they want it. It was fine but awkward for us both I think.

I know people who have ended up very amicable but no one who got through the initial process very amicably