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Original poster

Why do I feel guilty for everything?

20 replies

SoLongFurlough · 07/07/2020 11:57

I feel guilty for asking my husband to change his shifts so I can go to work (part time)
I feel guilty if I have to ask someone to mind the kids to get my hair done
I feel guilty for asking the hairdresser to rearrange appointments to fit me in
Etc etc
Feel like I'm failing at everything Sad
Maybe guilt isn't even the right word

OP posts:
Original poster
SoLongFurlough · 07/07/2020 14:50

Does anyone else feel the same?

OP posts:
MsEllany · 07/07/2020 14:59

It’s a normal part of being a woman and a mother. We are socialised to consider ourselves last in line for everything, except maybe when it comes to our actual wedding day Hmm

MsEllany · 07/07/2020 14:59

But no I don’t feel the same because I refuse to apologise for existing and wanting some of my life to be on my own terms.

purpleme12 · 07/07/2020 15:00

I don't really feel guilty no

Pebblexox · 07/07/2020 15:03

It's mum guilt, unfortunately it's a very natural feeling for a lot of us.
It's only recently due to lockdown that I've really started to understand just how much I need to that time to away from my child sometimes. I love her to bits, but getting together with my girls, having my nails done, date nights with my husband are so important to my mental health and mean that I don't totally lose myself to being just mum. So from now on I am refusing to feel guilty for taking time out for myself.

theproblemwitheyes · 07/07/2020 15:03

It’s a normal part of being a woman and a mother.

As a woman and a mother, with lots of friends who are too, i have to say it categorically is not. The guilt to me says you don't value yourself at all, is there an underlying cause for that do you think?

PineappleUpsideDownCake · 07/07/2020 15:04

Mine is due to all the messages growinf up that my opinions and feelings weren't important.

Original poster
SoLongFurlough · 07/07/2020 15:16

I think the last two posts are partly true that I don't value myself and don't think my opinions and feelings are important
I think maybe that's something that I've hidden away but it's now come to the surface

OP posts:
Foxyloxy1plus1 · 07/07/2020 15:47

I value myself less now than I did a few months ago, because it has been made very clear that people of my age are an irrelevance and expendable. Now I believe it.

I don’t be,I’ve that I should do anything that I used to enjoy doing. So I don’t. It makes me even more miserable.

Original poster
SoLongFurlough · 07/07/2020 15:52

That's quite sad Foxy Flowers

OP posts:
MsEllany · 07/07/2020 16:06

@theproblemwitheyes read the whole of my post (and the subsequent one) not just that sentence in isolation please!

theproblemwitheyes · 07/07/2020 16:15

@MsEllany i did, thank you! I just don't agree. Guilt for existing is not a normal part of being a woman, regardless of how we are socialised.

Redhair23 · 07/07/2020 16:18

It’s because of upbringing and socialisation IMO and very hard to ‘undo’.

Fatted · 07/07/2020 16:27

I have this. Mainly because my mum was domineering and controlling. I never really felt like I got to be myself until my late teens. I think my parents kind of expect it of me now too. I still remember once my dad expected me to do something because my other siblings were going out for a meal that day and they couldn't help. It didn't even occur to him that I would actually be going out to the meal as well, which I was! I still remember him being surprised that I actually had plans!

I tend to do it without thinking, so I don't feel guilt if that makes sense. More feel bad. I wouldn't particularly describe myself as a martyr and I'm much better at asking for what I want and need now. But I do still feel bad.

I felt bad today for telling DH not to work overtime tomorrow. We have no childcare for tomorrow and I have a full day of work. I've just had to send the DC back to the CM two days a week already because I can't work and look after them on my own anymore. DH knows I'm right, but I still feel bad.

Nicolastuffedone · 07/07/2020 16:34

No....I can’t say I feel guilty as a rule.

FrogInAHat23 · 07/07/2020 16:48

I used to feel the way you describe, OP, but I had quite a lot of counselling and those feelings of guilt subsided. I really do think it's likely to do with upbringing. Similar to @PineappleUpsideDownCake the message I got growing up was that my feelings and needs were unimportant in comparison to those of my parents. I don't buy into the "well, you're a woman and a mother so you must feel guilt" line. I don't think anyone should feel the way you do (and I did). If you can get it, I would highly recommend counselling. Definitely something to explore, there.

Original poster
SoLongFurlough · 07/07/2020 16:57

Yes Frog I'm trying to unpack all this as to why I think my wants shouldn't matter but I think you're right it's largely due to upbringing (my mother was & still is a bit of a martyr)
I project my feelings on to other people ie they must think I'm selfish because I'm going to do things that I want
The reality is no one probably thinks that but even if they say they don't I don't believe them!
I constantly feel like I'm bothering people

OP posts:
Atadaddicted · 07/07/2020 17:01

No OP
Not in the slightest would I feel even remotely guilty in any of those scenarios.

Atadaddicted · 07/07/2020 17:02

* my mother was & still is a bit of a martyr)*

Op, it does sound like you are replicating your mother

Original poster
SoLongFurlough · 07/07/2020 17:26

Yes it does Ata I think I'm realising that now

OP posts:
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