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Original poster

Unsporty kids playing sport

27 replies

Dk20 · 06/07/2020 21:18

Please give me some reassurance.

Ds (7) was as football training tonight. Hes not 'sporty', has asd so has co-ordination difficulties. Hes never going to be the best on the team but I take him for the social side. If he doesnt go, then hes missing out on time playing with his class mates. The coaches have great patience with him and he enjoys going to training and playing and seeing his classmates.

I was standing at the side of the pitch this evening. I overheard another parent say "you have a, b, c & d (naming 4 kids who are good), you might aswell take the rest of them out of it". I'm not usually bothered by this stuff but this has annoyed me and really made me wonder if I'm doing the right/wrong thing by continuing to bring him to training Sad

OP posts:
EnglishGirlApproximately · 06/07/2020 21:22

Oh that would bother me too. DS goes to football and cricket but he isn't at all sporty either. He loves seeing his friends and spending time running around outdoors and as long as he's happy I'll keep taking him. I don't think the kids really care much about who's 'good' but there are a handful of parents who take it seriously.

TheNortherner · 06/07/2020 21:30

The unfortunate thing I found was then the kids picked up on the 'parent's attitude and by 7.5-8 were making my son feel rubbish at having a go, at that point it became more demoralising for him to keep going, although wanting him to push through to fight back (metaphorically), I just didn't want his self esteem to be in tatters and he asked to stop going, so we did. Real shame as he actually enjoyed playing the game.

Ylvamoon · 06/07/2020 21:42

I think it's really sad that some people think like that. Kids sports should be fun, not talent based (ok it will be at some point...) everyone can have a go and should not be judged.

That's why we don't do the main ones (football dance gymnastics), I found the martial arts crowd is better in that respect. It's a different mentality and higher grades often help out with the lower grades. (At our club anyway!)

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Mumoftwoyoungkids · 06/07/2020 21:43

I think football can attract a particular type of parent (dad!) that is particularly bad for this.

My dd is very sporty. If I heard her being being unpleasant to others who are less strong I’d take her home! She isn’t though mainly because she is too busy focusing on training to be unpleasant.

Original poster
Dk20 · 06/07/2020 21:56

I think I was just shocked that they put it so bluntly. Ds can be quite naive and I dont think hed even take heed/ be upset if another child made a comment to him about his ability. I think I'll have to keep an eye on the situation.
I had to take him out of his martial arts class as the timing didn't suit but think I'll try and get him back into it.

OP posts:
Snigletted · 06/07/2020 22:36

Honestly, I think you need to float the idea of other sports he could try. Martial arts is a good idea especially if he liked it before. In my limited experience in another sport 7-8 is when they start to get competitive and want to win. So stop passing to or start blaming the kid who misses a catch or whatever. It's the age where they start to get a grasp of tactics.
My DS is the same but a couple of years older and left the club when he was 9. He doesn't want to do anything in a group so we've tried him out with biking, hiking, climbing, skateboarding. More individual sports rather than team as tactics go right over his head.

WellTidy · 06/07/2020 22:40

This is why DS didn’t stick at football. He was below average ability, but absolutely loved playing and watching football. But at the end of the junior school years, he never got passed the ball and those who were good at football just played a game themselves within a larger team. It was demoralising for him and he just stopped.

BogRollBOGOF · 06/07/2020 23:06

If he enjoys it and the coaches are great, keep taking him. Especially now while other options are limited.

DS1 (9) has ASD and dyspraxia. He's not too bad but just finds that there's too many things to process in football. He quite likes an occasional kickabout in a small group, but DS2 has that knack and DS1 gets demoralised.

He does Karate, swimming and junior parkrun. None are competitive which has its benefits. Parkrun is great because where people do get competitive, it's about their individual time not others.

I loathed sport at school due to other peoples' shitty attitudes about my lack of prowess. I was dire, but always being left as subsititute and being bitched at was never going to improve my performance!
Sport should be fun.

back2good · 06/07/2020 23:15

Sadly, I've seen it up close and personal. My oldest wasn't 'a footballer' but wanted to play on the team with his friends. By the end of his first season, he and 2 other 'non-footballers' had been run off the team via shitty treatment, deliberately hacking them in training, etc. Coach turned a blind eye.

They were 7 and 8 years old at the time.

Delighted to say that every last one of the little arseholes ended up not playing anymore within 2 years because they didn't have enough boys to sustain a team ... they'd run too many off.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 06/07/2020 23:52

One other thought is that there are some sports where you are “good” by virtue of being a boy. By this I mean that there are some sports that are very female dominated and so boys do better simply by being rarer. (If there are only 9 boys of your age who compete in Hampshire then you are guaranteed to be in the top 10 in Hampshire!)

Gymnastics and trampolining come to mind but I suspect that there are others.

SoloMummy · 07/07/2020 05:57

@Dk20

Please give me some reassurance.

Ds (7) was as football training tonight. Hes not 'sporty', has asd so has co-ordination difficulties. Hes never going to be the best on the team but I take him for the social side. If he doesnt go, then hes missing out on time playing with his class mates. The coaches have great patience with him and he enjoys going to training and playing and seeing his classmates.

I was standing at the side of the pitch this evening. I overheard another parent say "you have a, b, c & d (naming 4 kids who are good), you might aswell take the rest of them out of it". I'm not usually bothered by this stuff but this has annoyed me and really made me wonder if I'm doing the right/wrong thing by continuing to bring him to training Sad

Our football training clubs are very competitive and I wouldn't tbh put my child into them unless my child was likely to be one of the abcd children, as the parents are awful. Like you I'd prefer a less Socially competition activity.
Tinamou · 07/07/2020 06:13

I agree that football gets competitive from around 8yo. I couldn't believe the response I once saw from a Dad when his 9yo son missed a penalty Shock

I'm not saying you have to give up now if your son is enjoying it, I'm just saying don't expect this attitude to improve. The answer can be to play for a big club that has several teams for each age group so that each child can find their own level, or as others have said, to try a different sport. Swimming can be a good one.

Longdistance · 07/07/2020 06:23

What a rubbish coach.

I work in a prep school and schools play against each other weekly. One other school came and all you could hear was a parent shouting at their son on the sidelines —wanker— the director of sport told him if he heard another noise come from his mouth he’d have to leave. The other schools staff were mortified. A parent even apologised and commended him for his handling of the situation.
My dh has experienced the same in rugby as he’s a coach. He tells the parents to pipe down too, ‘this isn’t a football match!’
Maybe raise it with the coach.

Mintjulia · 07/07/2020 06:28

The other parent is a competitive prat who doesn’t realise school sport is there to encourage health, mental wellbeing, team spirit etc. He’s the sort of parent that gets banned from the touch line.
Don’t pull your ds out, but maybe add a second less competitive sport such as martial arts or cycling.

reefedsail · 07/07/2020 06:30

I'd also change sport to one with a nicer crowd of parents. My DS doesn't like team/ ball sports but he loves watersports (swimming, sailing, windsurfing) and also golf. He doesn't go to a golf club as we can't fit it in round all the watersports, but I did look into it and lots of golf clubs offer junior programmes.

SpeedofaSloth · 07/07/2020 06:35

Try another club, if you can. DS plays grassroots football and it's been a mixed experience, we left one because of the behaviour of the parents.

SnuggyBuggy · 07/07/2020 06:37

If it starts to affect his self esteem I'd leave and try something else.

BikeRunSki · 07/07/2020 06:38

DS (11) is not “team sporty”. He’s dabbled with football and cricket, but had similar experiences. Turns out he’s an excellent archer and can swim for (literally) miles. He’s also pretty handy on a mountain bike. The great bonus is, that he can go to clubs that let him do these things for fun rather than competition. He just does not have that competitive edge, even at stuff he’s good at.

Despite outward appearances, there is more to children’s sports than football, rugby and cricket!!

BikeRunSki · 07/07/2020 06:39

if it starts to affect his self esteem I'd leave and try something else.

This.

minisoksmakehardwork · 07/07/2020 06:52

Ds1 has adhd and suspected asd. He started playing football aged 4 as it was a great way to burn off some energy and help build some social skills. He wasn't the best player but he tried so hard.

We quit after a change of coach when it became apparent ds1 wasn't good enough for the coach to give him equal playing time with the others (desperate for the wins). We didn't hear comments from our own team parents but the coach's attitude rubbed off on some of the kids in the team which made it even harder for ds1.

He now does trampoline which, as a non team sport, is much better for him. He enjoys it and he is good at it. He is in the Additional Needs group so they take into account his needs.

The head coach from the football club was furious when he found out why ds1 had left as they're a grass roots club. The ethos is anyone can play regardless of ability but for us and ds1, the damage had already been done and could not be undone. so if you do want your dc to continue, it might be worth having a chat with your coach and explaining yours fears before the attitude of the parents rubs off onto the children.

confusedofengland · 07/07/2020 06:55

Maybe look for another team if he wants to continue playing football. My DH is chairman of our village junior club & also coaches DS1's age (Year 6). They have 3 teams per year group & the bottom team consists entirely of boys like your DS, who love the game but are not natural footballers. They play in a league of similar-level teams. DH would never mix abilities as he thinks the children who don't have natural ability would struggle & get demotivated & children who naturally find it easy may get bored & mess around, so it benefits nobody.

Goyle · 07/07/2020 07:03

I loathed sport as a child and my teenage daughter is the same. Too much emphasis on being competitive, not enough on teamwork, taking turns, getting fit, improving co-ordination and the mental health benefits. My daughter loves walking/hiking, so we do that. I think some parents place to much effort on the competitive side of exercise when really it's only a small part of it. Also, our kids need more exercise, generally!

SnuggyBuggy · 07/07/2020 07:11

My own PE lessons where the teachers behaved pretty poorly to anyone who wasn't good at the sport (and that isn't "teacher bashing" I'm just describing my experience) had the effect of turning me off competitive sport for life. I've had playing a sport as an adult suggested as a way to make friends but the thought just makes me anxious.

frumpety · 07/07/2020 07:19

I overheard another parent say "you have a, b, c & d (naming 4 kids who are good), you might aswell take the rest of them out of it".

But if they took the rest of them out of it, then nobody could play as there wouldn't be enough people for a team ?

cptartapp · 07/07/2020 07:24

My sons have been involved in football for 12 years. There is a big difference in ethos between some teams and as they get older coaches are put under enormous pressue to drop weaker players from competitive parents, usually dads. I've seen kids spend the whole game on the subs bench many a time.
Pick your team carefully.

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