How to be on your own

[Tigerking20]

Long story which I won’t bore you all with. But I’ve been with my partner a year. We moved in far too quickly (into my home about 50miles from his hometown) which was situational and with hindsight not ideal. Anyway it turns out he has a lot of issues he needs to deal with and work through (mental health for one). He needs to find his sense of self and we cannot live together whilst he does that, as I was becoming too hurt in the process of him trying to do so.

Anyway, we love eachother very much, and are committed to eachother but he has just moved back to his hometown and is living with his dad (he’s 29) whilst he sets up finding a place of his own and I am 32 and own my own home. I know he is working really hard on himself, counselling, taking tablets, walking, reading, spending time with family, exercising. He has always talked about wanting his own space, his own home as he has always lived with parents or partners. I know this is part of him ‘finding himself’ but I would be lying if I said I didn’t want us to live together in my house. I can understand when he says it doesn’t feel like his, and all the contents are mine and he feels he doesn’t have anything belonging to him (I wouldn’t be putting him on the mortgage as I’m not stupid). Anyway, I am struggling from living together to only seeing him a couple days a week. I try to keep myself busy but I miss him and dare not tell him as I am too proud. People may say I am a mug for still staying in the relationship whilst he takes the time he needs, but I really love him and feel this is right person wrong time. I am trying to build up a life outside of him and so that instead of being so codependent he can be a nice addition to my life, rather than, my life. I’m just struggling with us being together so much to not and trying to give him the space he needs to get better. Do you all think I’m a mug?

I’d also like to add that, with everything going on (and he has a lot) he didn’t settle through here but gave it a good go. It wasn’t easy for either of us to make the decision to not live together but we felt it was best for both of us - for many reasons

I wouldn't have any truck with such self indulgent behaviour from a grown adult, walking, reading, finding himself? While you await his pronouncement that he's ready to be in a grown up relationship?

He sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it. Sex and dates a couple of times a week while he 'finds himself' AKA gets his laundry done at mummy's

You can do better.

He had a complete nervous breakdown which made it worse being so far from his family and then lockdown hit. He is dealing with some past trauma too. I am not making excuses just trying to give a better picture of the story

Well yes, we've all been under strain during lockdown. But adults stay where they are, with the person they committed to and sort their shit out.

It's your life OP. You can wait around if you like. He might come back, then life will get hard again and he'll run home. And so on. If he was committed to you, he'd have stayed.

You sound bright, kind and motivated. Find someone who can give you what you want.

I don't usually comment on these threads but two things strike me

Firstly you say yourself you moved in too soon, exacerbated by lockdown
Secondly you talk about 'my house' with all your stuff in it. What did you do to make it 'our home' and him not feel like a lodger.
I have been single for a long time, my taste in home furnishing and decor is quite strong, nothing neutral about it, its very much mine - if someone moved in, I'd expect to make a lot of changes so they could feel it was their home too.

We did the house up together. Decorated the bedroom, the garden, both to our joint taste. The house was classed as his too but after he had an emotional breakdown he missed his family terribly, exacerbated by lockdown and the emphasis was on him having his own place. I did everything I could to make him feel at home

He doesn’t want to be with you but he doesn’t want to let you go off and find somebody else.
Do yourself a favour and cut yourself off from him.
He’s not finding himself, he’s just stringing you along until somebody better comes along.
You deserve better

I would give him the benefit of the doubt, it sounds like he’s been through the mill! But if you want this to work out then you need to put the best behaviours in place from now, mainly communication. Tell him you miss him but that there is no pressure for him to move back, just because you want him to know he matters deeply to you and how you feel. It’s also a good opportunity to find your own space and support (book clubs or waking clubs etc.) as issues with mental health don’t go away or get sorted, they ebb and flow and the person develops coping tactics so it is likely this will be something he will need support with in future (and so you need your own support network to help him).

Life is too short. This isn't right person for you because you don't want the same things now. Don't waste your life waiting for it to be the right time for him.

How has he 'been through the mill' it sounds like OP has bent over backwards to accommodate him, letting him make choices about HER home.

A 29 year old who has never lived independently, can't function without seeing his family for 12 weeks (plenty of children haven't seen one of their PARENTS) In that time...

So many red flags you could craft COVID face masks out of them.

He doesn't work does he OP?