I'm in a situation that I have always dreaded so please please be kind if you chose to reply. Im sorry this is so long.
My partner and I have a very blended and complicated family. We both have a child each from previous relationships that we have joint custody of and we have a 1 year old together. We've now found ourselves pregnant and have made the heart breaking decision to not keep the baby. Im currently 5 weeks.
I suffered horrendously with PND and PNA after both pregnancies to the point I barely remember both my DS and DDs first 6 months. My hips are at risk of needing replacement (I'm only 36) and my heart has been effected by years of drug abuse (I was a complete mess in early adulthood and luckily have been able to overcome that) and I have mild long-QT as a result of high dose Citalopram to deal with lasting anxiety after my DS was born.
On top of the physical and psychological problems another baby would place on me/us I'm currently at real risk of being made redundant and due to a merger my partners job will be at risk as of January.
We both work in niche industries and so the odds of finding a job quickly and with similar salaries are low. My partner pays half the mortgage on his old house and that currently isn't up for negotiation of which I support but it does mean financially we are screwed if either of us are unemployed for any length of time or if I'm not eligible/able to get full maternity pay.
But I am struggling. I LOVE my children, I love being a Mum. Every night I find myself romanticising over the first time I'd hold this little pea, the first time he or she meets her siblings etc etc and then I wake up in the morning with crippling anxiety over the fact I know for certain we cannot have this baby. Our children need their Mum in one piece both physically and mentally and we need to be able to put food on the table. I should add we don't have very supportive families and all our friends are either busy with their families or just not able to help.
On top of this the procedure itself is scaring me beyond belief. I have opted for surgical under conscious sedation (encouraged by the midwife due to my history of anxiety) but thats not why I'm here. I'm wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience, how do you feel now? How are you coping?