Snappy partner - how much is normal?

[Smyths]

Say if your partner gets irritable and snappy over minor things occasionally (like once or twice every few days) and is a little bossy and overbearing generally but immediately apologises and is super nice afterwards only to repeat the pattern all over again a few days later - how much is going too far and beyond general ‘we all get moody sometimes’?

My gut reaction is always to be upset and completely turned off by him as soon as I’m snapped at (raised voice, quick curt words)

My partner said I was like this and we connected it to my coffee habit.

I basically DO snap if I've drunk too much coffee. It makes me irritable.

It's not abnormal but it's not acceptable. He should try to change.

Following as this is very familiar here too and quite tiresome

It depends what you want to put up with.

In a one year relationship? No thanks I would rather only have decent, normal people in my life not rude dicks.

In a 20 year marriage? Assuming there’s a lot of other things that make the relationship good, and the rude snappiness isn’t making you walk on eggshells then more discussion is in order, because it should not be the norm.

I wonder this. My mum was like all through my childhood and still will be snappy (or irritable or just plain rude) she is unhappy, thinks someone is bring stupid or has to wait for a second.

So, 30 years later I married a man like this. Hell I was like it in earlier relationships.

I did a little reading around why I was so unhappy in my marriage. I also observed with horror how my husband speaks to my daughter. It has made realise it not normal and it is not acceptable. I genuinely thought that was just how people in families talked to each other. I internalised it so much.

For my part I really really try not to snap at DD. And she never ever really gives me cause to be irritable. But I have real trouble dealing with DH's grumpiness.

We have had many arguments about it. I try to assert myself in a non-agressive way. It is so hard. I want to stand up for myself and dd, but know that it can lead to much worse argument.

When things are good they are really great. Lots of laughter and love in our family. But while I have managed to see and break the connection to how I was spoken to as a child, Dh is perpetuating it. I do often think about leaving but then wonder whether splitting the family in two will do worse damage. I live in a country where the child's custody is literally split in half.I don't want that.

I learnt through my job though that if you are uncomfortable then the situation is wrong for you. So, OP the fact that you posted means there is probably something wrong in your relationship.

Sorry OP. No answers on how to fix it. My own strategy has been to calmly point out that it's not acceptable or necessary to speak like that - then wait for the fall out. Also we have had big discussions about it including how we were spoken to as children and how the world has moved on from 70s parenting. Things have gotten a bit better, but it definitely goes in waves. Also I am a teacher and it means he accepts my opinion about how to talk to kids more than he may have done otherwise.

Sympathy that it happens to others.

We all get moody sometimes - I agree. But once or twice every few days is not sometimes, is it? This is very frequent.

Is your partner able to hold a job? Make and keep friends? Is he often snapping at work or around his friends? I suspect he knows how to behave and is able to control his temper when it suits him.

Thanks everyone so far

My partner snaps at me all the time and rarely apologises, at least not properly. Some people are just bad tempered and unkind.

That's not what I would call occasional.

And saying the word "sorry" does not constitute an apology - changing their behaviour is an apology.

@Ghostlyglow you need to ditch your "partner" so there is space in your life for a decent human being instead.