DH has cancer and is estranged from his parents

[UltimateWednesday]

For very good reasons, his (and my) life has been way better in the 15 years there's been practically no contact.

However, depending on how this goes, presumably they do have to be told at some point? Obviously we hope it won't come to it but if he died, I'd have to tell them? I'm really worried about the fallout of that.

They already think I'm the reason they don't see him. I'm not, in fact coming from a family where it would be absurd, it took me a long time to realise just how toxic they were and I encouraged him to keep working at it "because they're family" for much longer than I should have.

However, I know that if I tell them he died, or became desperately ill without them knowing, they will absolutely blame me and be furious that they weren't told sooner, even though he doesn't want them to know. He really doesn't want them trying to get back involved with his life just because he's ill.

At what point should they be told?

When he wants to tell them. If he doesn’t want them to know until he’s died (which I sincerely hope won’t happen. I hope he makes a full recovery) then that’s his choice.

First of all, you need to let your husband call the shots on when or if to notify his family. This needs to be purely his decision. If he dies, of course hopefully that won't happen, when you do notify them, feel free to then block them immediately if you so choose. You shouldn't tolerate any abuse from them and you certainly don't owe them anything. I think bringing them back into your lives whilst your husband is ill is a very bad idea. All they will do is cause your husband massive stress which he definitely doesn't need. I wish you and your husband the best.

That has to be up to your husband, even though you might cop for a lot of abuse. Can you talk frankly about all eventualities with him? They don’t actually HAVE to be told even were he to die. If they would cause problems at the funeral and for you, then perhaps It would be better to keep it private.

Hopefully that is not going to happen.
I’m so sorry for you both

Honestly this is so so shit for you and I really feel for you.
My DH has been arranged from his brothers for similar reasons and he says if anything happened to him he wouldn't want anyone in that realm to know. However, like you, I would be totally blamed.
I think if your husband could face it, he should maybe write to them or at least tell them how he feels bluntly and absolutely. Please don't think I'm being harsh when I say, what does he have to lose? If you're already estranged from them then it's not like things can go downhill. They will have heard the truth from him whether they choose to believe it or not.
Anyway, your DH will be fine so this is all hypothetical x

Never. That is what he has clearly told you he wants. It would be a huge betrayal to tell them anyway, especially if you did so when he was seriously ill and vulnerable. I can't believe your even consider it.

They do not have to be told anything at all. At any point.

Why do you think you would have to tell them he had died?

Respect his wishes.

Could he write a letter to them in case he died? I really hope his treatment goes well.

Please don't think I'm being harsh when I say, what does he have to lose?

The sanity, stability, security, mental safety, control over his own life that he could only obtain by ceasing contact. Of course things can go downhill by increasing contact.

Why would you waste headspace and energy on people you had to cut out of your life at a time when you need all your resources to manage a nasty situation?

It's entirely up to him. If he has his cancer cured like many many people, then why should they ever know he had it.

If sadly this isn't going to be his outcome he and you can think about it then. An option would be not to tell them at all, even that he has died if you think there is no contact. Or a contact after death, maybe a letter from him? Whatever it is, it should be down to him and he doesn't have to let them back in and neither do you to see any grandchildren, as they have no relationship with them.

I think that the only thing you can do is to abide by his wishes. If you contact them now, or talk him into contacting them, you’re forcing him to deal with levels of stress that he could do without. His wishes come first when it comes to his family.

If the worst happens, there is still nothing that says you have to tell them. Your DH decided that he didn’t want them in his life anymore. That’s it. They’re gone. Telling them would only be opening a door for them into your life at a time when you’re going to need to put you first.

We had a similar dilemma when DH was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He was on civil terms with his sisters although he hadn't seen them for years, but wasn't talking to either of the brothers still alive (two of them had already died). His parents died 20 years ago. He decided he wanted them to know out of courtesy, his brothers visited him in hospital once each when he had his first op and he ended up telling his younger brother to leave because the visit really stressed him. His older sister worked in the hospital and spent all her breaks with him, they got really close in that time. When we found out he had days to live (a year or so later) I contacted his sister and she let the others know, they all visited and reconciled. Since his death, some of my in laws have been lovely and kind to me and DS (his older sister and her family in particular, and some of his nieces and nephews) but the brothers are still twats who caused me a lot of self doubt and pain over the funeral arrangements (DH planned his funeral while he was still well enough but his brothers wanted burial not cremation, and objected to his plans for a humanist ceremony). If you do invite them back into your lives I would recommend setting boundaries.

Never, respect his decision. I'm so sorry you are both facing difficult times.

It's not clear from your post whether you've actually discussed this with him?

Whilst I can see previous posters point that you should respect his decision, I can't quite square that with a loving husband knowing the fallout his wife will suffer if the worst happens and you're left to inform his family.

We were in a similar situation with my DH, when he first got ill, I told them and they came back into our lives for a period... It wasn't natural though and a bit like they felt they had to be there. About three months after he got the all clear, they drifted away and he didn't pursue it.

Two years later he got ill again, we all thought he was going to die one night, so I called them. They didn't want to know though. Responded by basically accusing him of attention seeking.

Luckily DH is okay and still clear but left with complications that mean he is very vulnerable. I often wonder what would happen if/when he dies. Do I allow them to the funeral? Would they even want to be there?

DH doesn't talk much about them now.... Although I know he desperately wants their love.

It's sad...horribly sad.

You have to respect his decision; after all it's his welfare you should be concerned about not his family's.

It might have consequences for you (they might be angry at you) but surely that's better than him having to engage with people he wants nothing to do with.

I do have similar personal experience. My mum died 18m ago, she was divorced from my dad who has a very rude new wife who is the same age as me. My mum was ok about seeing my dad but he would not agree to leaving his new wife at home. Why someone would want to bring their 30year junior wife to see their ex wife dying of cancer in a hospice is beyond me. Consequently I refused to give him the hospice address (so that he couldn't go against my mum's wishes) and he hasn't spoken to me since. In all honesty it's made my life much less stressful.