A venting pointless post

[Phillymouse]

I'm sick of my current situation

I need to vent but feel like it's all first world problems

I feel stuck

I feel like I have lost myself through being a carer and a new mum

I didn't think my life would turn out like this

My husband is in debt of £40,000

House looks a state (decor wise)

The last four years I've dealt with so much family stress/illness/death and been the one to manage it all

My baby didn't sleep well until recently (think 10 times a night waking since birth for well over a year)

I'm stuck between thinking of having another baby or taking an apprenticeship in order to prepress my career. I'm 35.

I've been relying on sugar and carbs for energy since baby was born so have put 2 st in weight on. My mum politely said I was overweight despite knowing I have had eating disorders in the past.

I have no money for clothes/shoes and all I have it pregnancy stuff so I look a baggy mess.

I want a hobby but have lost so much interest over the last few years I don't know what excites me any more.

Every time I make time/effort/money for something, something else comes up and destroys it.

I feel like I'm a maid, mum, employee, wife, daughter but not me.

Husband is 80% awesome as a dad and a husband but 20% of me wants to drop kick him over the fence.

I'm just so sad 😞

Where has this debt come from? Were you aware of it as it was growing?

Your mum is thoughtless at the very best.

Every time I make time/effort/money for something, something else comes up and destroys it.

Can you give us an example here?

Also my husband is asking me for money now, despite going down to four days a week, I'm paying most childcare and shopping.

I'm still yet to have my Christmas present so will have to get it myself, he doesn't believe in presents for Mother's Day/birthday/anniversary etc but I still get home something

He was seriously ill and has after effects from his illness and this year he had to take three months off of work which put him further in debt. The last time he was ill he had to take a year off.

He sounds a bit of a plonker really but he is very supportive and loving in real life, I feel horrible writing this stuff but it's the truth

Do you feel like your husband makes your life better/easier? Or worse and more difficult? Would you have an easier time without him? Sorry to sound so harsh...but he may be a nice enough person—doesn’t mean he’s the best thing for you to tie yourself to forever, if you know what I mean. You only get one life.

@HollowTalk

Where has this debt come from? Were you aware of it as it was growing?

Your mum is thoughtless at the very best.

Every time I make time/effort/money for something, something else comes up and destroys it.

Can you give us an example here?

The debt has come from putting a few things on ticket like new windows/carpets etc when we moved in to our first house as it was leaking and there were bare floorboards everywhere. Pre illness we managed fine but since he's been ill it's just got on top of us. I had a small credit card, he's got a big one, we both needed a new car ( brought second hand and they are old but decent) so that went into the pot, then his car has needed at least £1000 spent on it this year alone but we can't afford a new one so it's cheaper to get the work done and keep it a while longer.

Yes my mum is one of those who doesn't think before she speaks unfortunately.

Examples are like unfortunately the quality of the wall in our house means that any paint that goes on seeps into the wall and cracks, so I brought the paint a while ago, but the walls need skimming before we can paint, and the carpet (which we brought but had to exchange because it was fault so the new carpet is sitting in they warehouse waiting) can't be put down until the walls are done.

So I have the carpet and the paint waiting but because of our debt I can't afford someone to come in and skim the walls.

What state is hubby in now?

Can he be sat down and have a serious discussion about finances, the state of the place, your feelings, how little use he is when you're run ragged?

He's part time and he seems to do little around childcare and domestic chores....

@MrsJemimaDuck

Do you feel like your husband makes your life better/easier? Or worse and more difficult? Would you have an easier time without him? Sorry to sound so harsh...but he may be a nice enough person—doesn’t mean he’s the best thing for you to tie yourself to forever, if you know what I mean. You only get one life.

No my life is definitely better with him, he's a hard worker (employee wise) a great father, pre all these troubles we had a right giggle and never argued. Just the last four years have been hard on us and we ve been together 15 years. We are both each others rock but I think I've just got so much pent up that I don't say to him that it comes across here as him being a shite

Forget decorating the walls for now.

Can you sell anything on Facebook - old clothes, CDs, books, DVDs etc?

Can he do a little DIY?

@Gingernaut

What state is hubby in now?

Can he be sat down and have a serious discussion about finances, the state of the place, your feelings, how little use he is when you're run ragged?

He's part time and he seems to do little around childcare and domestic chores....

No he's full time, he a typical man, doesn't see something needs to be done until he's asked if you see what I mean. I have a list of chores I think need doing daily, he thinks I'm too organised.

He's a fantastic dad to our daughter as well.

He's just stressed about the money situation as much as I am and doesn't see a way out. Plus his illness is a constant reminder everyday

@Gingernaut

Forget decorating the walls for now.

Can you sell anything on Facebook - old clothes, CDs, books, DVDs etc?

Can he do a little DIY?

I've done all that I have nothing left to sell. I brought all my daughters stuff second hand and sold everything that wasn't bolted down or used in the last six months lol

Just making sure. I’m glad to hear it. It sounds like you’re in a tough spot, and need to make some time to focus on yourself. I know it’s easier said than done.

@MrsJemimaDuck

Just making sure. I’m glad to hear it. It sounds like you’re in a tough spot, and need to make some time to focus on yourself. I know it’s easier said than done.

Thank you, I know lots of people just to LTB but this is not one of those situations.

If I save a bit of money I always think I need to squirrel it away in case the car brakes down instead of getting a pair of shoes. I'm currently living in my pregnancy clothes and an old pair of flips flops so look and feel a baggy mess. I don't even know what to wear anymore I've lost so much of myself.

My husband is in debt of £40,000
I’m afraid that’s not just his debt OP, but family debt. What steps have been taken to see about paying off/managing this debt? Have either of you spoken to a debt advice service like Stepchange?
www.stepchange.org

I'm stuck between thinking of having another baby or taking an apprenticeship in order to prepress my career. I'm 35.
Can you afford to do either of these? You may well be thinking about having a second child before it’s biologically too difficult to do so but you’ve only just cleared a most difficult period with your existing baby and the new baby would also mean extra expense, particularly when you are on maternity leave and not earning. Also would the apprenticeship pay as much as your current job - or less?

Also my husband is asking me for money now, despite going down to four days a week, I'm paying most childcare and shopping.
Why is your husband asking you for money when a) he’s working full time and b) in your four day a week job you are already paying childcare and shopping? Do you have a joint account for bills or pay from your separate accounts?

I'm still yet to have my Christmas present so will have to get it myself, he doesn't believe in presents for Mother's Day/birthday/anniversary etc but I still get home something
How does that make you feel if he’s not making even a token gesture?

Have you checked if you are eligible for any benefits? Check on www.entitledto.co.uk or www.turn2us.org.uk. Ensure any benefits go into your own, separate bank account though.

Sounds like you are going through a tough time. I hope things improve for you all soon. 🌹

Considering your money concerns I wouldn't consider another child if I were you.

@Happynow001

My husband is in debt of £40,000 I’m afraid that’s not just his debt OP, but family debt. What steps have been taken to see about paying off/managing this debt? Have either of you spoken to a debt advice service like Stepchange? www.stepchange.org

I'm stuck between thinking of having another baby or taking an apprenticeship in order to prepress my career. I'm 35.
Can you afford to do either of these? You may well be thinking about having a second child before it’s biologically too difficult to do so but you’ve only just cleared a most difficult period with your existing baby and the new baby would also mean extra expense, particularly when you are on maternity leave and not earning. Also would the apprenticeship pay as much as your current job - or less?

Also my husband is asking me for money now, despite going down to four days a week, I'm paying most childcare and shopping.
Why is your husband asking you for money when a) he’s working full time and b) in your four day a week job you are already paying childcare and shopping? Do you have a joint account for bills or pay from your separate accounts?

I'm still yet to have my Christmas present so will have to get it myself, he doesn't believe in presents for Mother's Day/birthday/anniversary etc but I still get home something
How does that make you feel if he’s not making even a token gesture?

Have you checked if you are eligible for any benefits? Check on www.entitledto.co.uk or www.turn2us.org.uk. Ensure any benefits go into your own, separate bank account though.

Sounds like you are going through a tough time. I hope things improve for you all soon. 🌹

Thank you for the link, il have a look.

As far as the apprenticeship it would be in my current job so paid my full wage if not a bit more as I'd be working at a slightly higher band.

My husband took on the debt himself in the form of a loan, so the household fund doesn't have any debt and I don't have any. Hence why he's asking me to pick up the shortfall as he's paying nearly £250 a month on this loan.

In regards to the presents, I would have liked a little something it just seems over the last few years he's got stuck in the rut of "we know we love each other why get presents" we ve never got each other a card and I'm not expecting loads of or an expensive present but something thoughtful.

In regards to having another baby we'd wait until this one is eligible for free childcare to help and we have all the stuff from before but yes there will be extra cost but it seems a shame for my child to be an only child just because of money

Not eligible for any benefits as I'm married with a mortgage. Just the £80 for baby and childcare voucher scheme

@Scrumpyjacks

Considering your money concerns I wouldn't consider another child if I were you.

Not the most helpful advice but thank you

I don't know if it's the type of advice you were looking for, but do get yourself to Primark for some properly fitting clothes and shoes. Flip flops or ballet pumps or similar can be got for £3-8 pounds and obviously their clothing is really cheap too. Don't feel guilty about it or that it is inevitable that the money will have to go on something else. You are a priority and you need decent clothes that fit! For different reasons I had the same clothing problem a few months ago and I remember how rotten it made me feel. I don't know why but I felt a very particular kind of indignity having to wear baggy, ill fitting clothes and it really lifted my mood when I bought a few decent cheap bits that fitted. Please make sure you do that too and priorize it as something important. When you look and feel better you might find that other small improvements to life might follow

@JovialNickname

I don't know if it's the type of advice you were looking for, but do get yourself to Primark for some properly fitting clothes and shoes. Flip flops or ballet pumps or similar can be got for £3-8 pounds and obviously their clothing is really cheap too. Don't feel guilty about it or that it is inevitable that the money will have to go on something else. You are a priority and you need decent clothes that fit! For different reasons I had the same clothing problem a few months ago and I remember how rotten it made me feel. I don't know why but I felt a very particular kind of indignity having to wear baggy, ill fitting clothes and it really lifted my mood when I bought a few decent cheap bits that fitted. Please make sure you do that too and priorize it as something important. When you look and feel better you might find that other small improvements to life might follow

Thank you @JovialNickname it was more of a vent and a rant with a little bit of advice needed please post.

You're right I need to get a few bits and start from there but I feel mega guilty anytime I spend any money on myself, I keep thinking could I have saved it or spent it on my little one but I need to get over it otherwise il have no clothes left