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My sister in law is a bully

15 replies

Borkins · 05/07/2020 07:13

It's really got me down during lockdown
My husband's family appease her to keep the peace but because I grew up in an abusive family I'm less inclined to tolerate it.
Any advice?

OP posts:
Nestlyn · 05/07/2020 07:26

Well you either ghost her or tell her off, your choice. You don't have to have bullies in your life it's as simple as that.

Lazydaisydaydream · 05/07/2020 07:27

How does your DH deal with it?

Borkins · 05/07/2020 07:32

He likes to keep the peace

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 05/07/2020 07:33

Keep the peace and not stand up for you?

SuperSange · 05/07/2020 07:48

If he's not with you, he's against you. If you feel you would like to stand up to her, then that's what you should do. Your husband will have been conditioned to keep the peace. In your shoes, I'd be telling her. Life's too short for that shit. You don't need your husband's permission to have boundaries.

BollyHobs · 05/07/2020 07:50

Is she bullying you?

It’s difficult to suggest a strategy without some examples of the type of bullying.

TitianaTitsling · 05/07/2020 07:50

What does she do that in seen as bullying? Does everyone in the family feel she is a bully?

SteelyPanther · 05/07/2020 07:51

This is exactly why I don’t see my DH family. I can’t not call out lies and bad behaviour.

Sicario · 05/07/2020 07:52

Look up "grey rock technique". It's a way of dealing with people like that by disengaging from them, in both emotional and practical terms.

Bullies are weak, insecure people and a real pain in the arse.

DaphneFanshaw · 05/07/2020 07:54

My sil is a bully too, my brothers wife.
I just avoid her like the plague.
No one ever stands up to her as when they try she plays the victim and manipulates the situation.
My brother is part of the problem because he is quite happy to sit back while she treats everyone badly, so I avoid him too. It’s a shame but I just can’t cope with the drama and mind games.
It’s a tough one, do you have to have anything to do with her ?

Gumbo · 05/07/2020 07:57

Ah... I have a bully of a sil (along with her DW). It's subtle bullying, always done when nobody else is around... I put up with it for years and never said anything to DH because I didn't want to cause friction in the family. Until one day I decided I'd had enough and didn't need to endure it any longer, so I told dh and said he could see his family whenever he fancied but that I would not be joining him. It's been such a relief and wish I'd done it sooner.

I suggest you pull right back and don't engage with your sil... just be unavailable/busy when she's around.

Milicentbystander72 · 05/07/2020 08:21

My BIL is a bully too, however my Dsis is well aware she's on an abusive marriage. I have barely anything to do with him.
Weirdly, they have a 'marriage' where he lives abroad 95% of the time. Whenever he's home the shit hits the fan and my Dsis leaves him for a few days. It's a vicious cycle. It's been going on for over 20 years and I'm tired of it.
I stood up to him once and said my piece. He was so shocked that anyone had dared speak up against him he left the house for 48 hours in a massive sulk. Not that it helped in the long run.

I just don't engage. It's the best way.

How does your SIL bully? Has anyone ever stood up to her?

hopeishere · 05/07/2020 08:24

My BiL is a bully too. And racist and homophobic and misogynist... Lockdown had been great as we've not had to see him.

Is she your DH's sister? What does she do?

pictish · 05/07/2020 08:33

It depends on the form of bullying obviously.

EwanTheMelatoninSheep · 05/07/2020 09:18

Mine too. Not to me, because I'm different from what she's used to, she's seen me kick off over another issue, and she's rightly a bit wary. But she was the school bully, has no friends as a result, bullies and emotionally blackmails her parents, bullies her siblings, though not DH anymore, and I suspect bullies her children.

It's all dressed up as "banter" and if anyone objects they are "sensitive" and it's "just a bit of fun" but it's bullying. It's like a default position to her. When my DC was at that slightly more interactive stage of babyhood, she visited one day and within minutes she was at it - holding things of of the baby's reach, blowing in baby's face, laughing when baby became distressed. I clocked on immediately what was going on and I shut that down so fucking fast she didn't know what was happening

It's the oddest thing, because in some ways she isn't bad, and there's possibly a normal person somewhere, but it's like she just doesn't know how to interact with people beyond making fun of them and trying to be domineering over them. She's recently moved back to her hometown to be near PIL and apparently is too anxious to go to the local park or shop or anything because so many people from school live in the area and they basically hate her

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