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Original poster

I need of advice about my son **Title edited by MNHQ**

26 replies

discl · 04/07/2020 20:54

Hi I'm new here so sorry if this is in the wrong place but desperately need advice

Some background

My son is 17 and I brought him up mostly on my own (His dad was violent and manipulative). Son was always kind and respectful growing up but when he was in year 9 so about 13/14 he started misbehaving and getting in the wrong crowd. He got worse when he turned 15 with drinking etc. Anyway he got with his girlfriend (she's 4 years older, I didn't agree with this obviously but he said I couldn't stop him and I only found out from one of his old friends).

Then about this time last year he told me she was pregnant (he was 16) I was not happy as he also found out in the January but didn't tell me until the June/July and also because of how old she is and also because he was only 16. She gave birth to his son on the 1st of October so he was still 16 (baby was due for the end of October when son would've turned 17 but there wasn't much difference). He used to visit his girlfriend and baby a few times a week but in janaury they got a flat and since then he hasn't texted or called as much and since lockdown he's not called and has only texted a few times. Whenever I call he doesn't answer but he also doesn't Reply to my texts either.

I'm fed up and not sure what to do as we used to be so close

AIBU and can I have some advice please

OP posts:
Original poster
discl · 04/07/2020 21:54

Anyone?? 😕

OP posts:
BlessYourCottonSocks · 04/07/2020 21:57

That's very difficult. I'm so sorry, you must miss him.

I don't have any advice except to perhaps send a weekly chatty text and hope that at some point he responds. Perhaps with things opening up you could text and ask if he (they?) would like to meet somewhere.

Smallsteps88 · 04/07/2020 21:59

I think that whilst technically he’s not an adult- he is now living as an adult and you have to accept that you won’t be as involved in his life as if he were a normal 17 year old. Hard as that may be to accept.

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HollowTalk · 04/07/2020 22:01

I'm amazed that he hasn't been asking you for money. What is he living on? How is he managing to pay for the baby when he is so young himself?

Original poster
discl · 04/07/2020 22:06

I do text him but he doesn't reply or he does but one word answers. His girlfriend works part time and he will probably be getting a job soon but right now he's in college

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justanotherneighinparadise · 04/07/2020 22:09

Do you think he’s okay? How are they supporting themselves?

Bobblepop · 04/07/2020 22:22

I left home when I was 16, pre mobile era. Well they were still quite a new thing. Sometimes I went a month without texting home or replying to things. I was just genuinely busy and didn't give family much thought tbh. You'll be close again, I'm late 30s now and closer to my family!
I'm worried my son will do the same to me, but I expect it I guess, because it was me once. You're quite inconsiderate at that age!

Original poster
discl · 04/07/2020 22:38

Yes I think hes ok but not 100% sure as I haven't had a conversation with him for ages.

Just miss him and feel lonely as he's my only child and we used to be so close 😕

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ALbigbump · 04/07/2020 23:07

Hi, that’s really shit for you, 💐 hope he gets in contact soon

IAmMeThisIsI · 04/07/2020 23:15

He's got a new baby, a home and an upcoming job plus this coronavirus issue to deal with. He has a new life now. As long as he texts back a one word answer and you see him around birthdays and Christmas I wouldn't worry. I'm sure if he needed you he would contact you. Maybe there's some resentment because you were against the girlfriend and the baby? You say you were close...but he failed to tell you he was having a baby? I am sure you're lonely and missing him. But I'm also sure he has got a lot on his plate right now. Try to find some hobbies or meet with friends to fill that lonliness gap. He is your son yes but he is also a father. And yes he is young but you should be very proud of his commitment and independence.

user1473878824 · 04/07/2020 23:21

Have you offered help with the baby? She’s working part time and he’s in college, how are they paying rent? Could you offer child care? I think you have to leave it all to him at the moment, he’s 16 and a HUGE thing has just happened for him and he’s probably just thinking this is being a grown up. Offer your help and your time and your love and don’t pressure him to see you I guess? I’m so sorry all of this sounds so hard.

Original poster
discl · 05/07/2020 10:36

Yes I've offered to help and I used to have baby at first for a few hours but I haven't seen son since about the end of January/early February so even before lockdown he was ignoring me.

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Howyiz · 05/07/2020 11:15

How are they paying rent and living expenses?

Original poster
discl · 05/07/2020 12:18

They are probably paying for stuff out of her wages

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monkeymonkey2010 · 05/07/2020 13:25

i think the best thing you can do for now is to send him regular texts to let him know you're thinking about him, love him and are there if he needs you.
Don't pressure him to respond.
Then find a way to manage the pain you're feeling at his lack of response.

You haven't done anything wrong in how you raised him.
He is his own person and has to learn his own way.
He may be a little shit in his role as a son, but it seems he's taking his role as parent and partner seriously or at least is trying to - and you should be proud of him for that.
There are many adult men who would have run a mile in the same circumstances, but your son is choosing to stay with his partner,support her and his child in any way he can.

They seem to be managing ok in their partnership on the surface as both bills and longterm career plans seem to be in hand.
However, if there are issues, you keeping the channel of communication open without any pressure, will make it easier for him to reach out to you if/when....

It will be hard, sending texts knowing that they will be ignored....but you can do it.
You HAVE done a good job of bringing him up OP so don't you dare feel bad/guilty for the decisions which are his only.
He's 16 and a new dad and still in the early days of figuring out who he is and how he fits into all the roles in society - and he's doing it 'on his own' as such, that's to be admired Smile
YOU have taught him resilience Smile
You haven't lost him OP.....he's just finding himself.....and he will be back Flowers Flowers

PumpkinPie2016 · 05/07/2020 13:37

I can understand that this must be hard for you OP Flowers You clearly have brought him up well -at least he isn't shirking his responsibilities like some do, he's at college and will be getting a job.

Teenagers can be strange beings! I was 18 when I moved 200 miles away to the west coast of Wales to Uni. I know my circumstances were different but I probably wasn't great at texting/calling home-I was too wrapped up in myself to worry about it too muchBlush I'm very close to my parents and it hasn't affected our relationship.

Do you get on with his girlfriend? Could you perhaps send her a message, just casual, ask how they are, say you would love to see them and baby now that it is permitted. She might be better at replying than your son.

I would also say, keep messaging, keep letting him know you are there for him/them. He is so young and this is a massive change in his life - he will be trying to process it all. By continuing to let him know you are there, when he is ready, he will be in touch.

Original poster
discl · 05/07/2020 17:49

I dont really get on with his girlfriend but haven't really had a conversation with her so I don't have her number. I've texted him today and he saw the message but didn't reply

OP posts:
Original poster
discl · 05/07/2020 20:40

.

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Original poster
discl · 05/07/2020 23:14

I just don't know what to do as im glad he's trying to be a good dad But I also want to be involved/ see him and grandson but he won't let me as he isn't replying

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crankysaurus · 05/07/2020 23:26

I think possibly the best/only thing you can do if he's not responding is to let him know your door is always open even if things go quiet between you for a while.

Original poster
discl · 06/07/2020 13:56

Yes I will leave him but leave the door open for him to get in contact but it's also my birthday on Wednesday and I probably won't even get a card or a text 😕

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SparklingLime · 06/07/2020 14:05

Horribly difficult for you. Perhaps send a small present for the baby regularly? Just as a way of keeping in touch without the focus being on your son or your relationship with him. Doesn’t have to cost much. A small baby book to start?

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 06/07/2020 14:05

I know he's very young, and you must miss him dreadfully, but you should feel enormous pride. For a young man to do the right thing, in the teeth of the example his father set: that's immense. Unfortunately, it's come smack in the middle of the rebellious period, so he's got mardiness on top of exhaustion. Leave the door open.

craftyjan · 06/07/2020 14:50

Are you on WhatsApp with your DS? Can you send a photo or video of yourself and ask if he would send a photo or video of his little family for you to have.
It's such a shame that you are missing your grandsons first milestones.
As a parent he is surely proud of his child's development so have you asked him about your grandchild's latest development.
Do you know your DS's girlfriends parents ? How much do they see their grandchild. ?

Original poster
discl · 06/07/2020 15:19

Son does have what'sapp and that's what I text him on and he just leaves me on seen even if I say how are you and grandson. I don't know his girlfriends parents but I'm pretty sure they see grandson quite often

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