Dsis clearing out some of her stuff; found a cassette tape my parents used to play in the car when we were tiny . She’s sent me a recording of it, and I’ve gone cold all over and feel a bit sick . It’s just bloody nursery rhymes ...
My parents had a hellish marriage - abuse and mental illness and I was left to pick up the pieces frequently . I was only wee . I was left to be the ‘parent’ a great deal of the time . Car journeys were always scary as my parents argued, and at least once nearly crashed the car . Dsis nearly went through the windscreen, she smacked her head off the dashboard my dad braked so hard .
When I was 5 and my parents divorced it was done in a traumatic way; I don’t want to write it all down but it was awful . It wasn’t like you see on TV, it was a case of watching my dad drive away at speed and never coming back .
When he left my mum was dreadfully ill most days . My sister was just a toddler and won’t remember . We didn’t tell anyone and even if others knew they didn’t ever offer help . I remember how alone I felt and how scared I was and angry at my dad, and afraid of him .
I’ve never yet discussed it in detail with another person, as the thought terrifies me and I don’t want to remember it at all . I can usually hide from it, my dads photos are boxed up; we don’t discuss the past at all .
But that tape has left me feeling physically ill, it brought me back to those car journeys thirty years ago and my parents, my grandparents (one of whom is now dead, the other dying), foster care and all sorts and I don’t want to be thinking of any of that .
Why was hearing that music again so upsetting, and what can I do to get over it? I’ve had similar reactions to other things before but never know what’s going to trigger it off iyswim, and it’s awful .