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Original poster

Is DH having affair, or keen to?

21 replies

rowrowrowyourcoat · 03/07/2020 18:41

Hi, NC for this.

DH and I together for 21 years, we have two children (one with disabilities). Last 15 years have been tough on both of us as most of the attention has needed to be on ill DD but we're getting through it. We don't have regular sex as we're both too knackered.

DH and a woman from work - both working from home - are regularly in touch. He gets on really well with this woman and has mentioned her in the past. She seems like a nice woman, similar age to us, married, no kids.
So, since he's been WFH I've noticed that they message each other a lot, at least once a day but generally much more. The messages that I've seen aren't anything to worry about but there's clearly a relaxed atmosphere and they get on. I've not really been worried about it.

Last week he told me he needed to go into the office and was muttering about people being in there etc. He then said he couldn't see who was in there but then he comes home and tells me that this woman was there- so just him and her. Now, I don't know why it's bothering me. I felt he made more of an effort with his appearance before he left for the office, admittedly he only changed his tshirt but there was just something off about it.

Am I just jealous because I've been stuck at home again these last 12 months since needing to give up work to care for DD? I've also put on weight and don't feel particularly good about myself.

What would you think? Are we heading for problems or am I just reading things into this?
TIA

OP posts:

BarbedBloom · 03/07/2020 18:50

From what I have experienced with my ex, it seems to be easy to slide from a friendship to blurred boundaries, especially with one partner dealing with young children or children with additional needs. So yes, I would be concerned in your position. I would keep an eye on it and note if he had mentionitus or was secretive with his phone, making up excuses to go out a lot.

But I would also say it is easy to slip into mum and dad and forget to put time and effort into the relationship. With my now husband we do spend time doing things together, having date nights and our relationship is stronger as a result. None of this excuses affairs obviously, but I have reflected on myself since splitting with my ex and I do think it is important to carve out a space as individuals and also as a couple.

Etinox · 03/07/2020 18:52

Reading what you’ve written it doesn’t sound dodgy. But if your senses are saying otherwise... mentionitis?

Sammysamsa · 03/07/2020 19:18

Just what you wrote, i don't see anything wrong

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sangrias · 03/07/2020 19:33

I don't think there's much cause for concern from what you're describing.

But also think we should listen to our intuition.

formerbabe · 03/07/2020 19:35

I'd be keeping my eye on the situation

theproblemwitheyes · 03/07/2020 19:44

I think youre seeing things that aren't there, because you're unhappy. He put a clean tshirt on to go to work, so he's having an affair!?

Dk20 · 03/07/2020 20:16

I wouldn't instantly think its something to worry about.
I've been WFH for the last 4 months, I have one Male colleague that I get on really well with and we message every day. Hes married, I have dp and the kids here. Theres nothing untoward about it.

I was called into the office to collect something one day and I did change my t shirt before heading in there too.

Original poster

rowrowrowyourcoat · 03/07/2020 20:29

Thanks for all the responses. I think I just needed to hear from people who were outside the situation
Thanks all

OP posts:

PersonaNonGarter · 03/07/2020 20:34

I agree with the other posters. There is nothing going on but I can imagine it is a bit tough for you if you are not working.

FWIW, my relationships with all my close colleagues have really intensified since lockdown - because we are each other’s main company during the day.

And I would definitely change into clean clothes to see any of them.

Scion286 · 03/07/2020 20:47

I can completely understand why your head’s gone there but I don’t think you’ve got anything to worry about. I went into work for the first time last week-I blow dried my hair, wore makeup and heels for the first time in months! I also talk to and about one staff member quite a lot as we really click, he’s 20 years older than me though and I just would never ever see him in any way other than a close colleague (I boak at the thought of anything else!). Try not to worry.

PersonaNonGarter · 03/07/2020 20:51

Can you just discuss it with DH?

It sounds like your confidence in things is a bit low. Just tell him that and say you feel uneasy.

Bairnsmum05 · 03/07/2020 21:22

I am friendly with a male colleague at work, we text when not at work. He is married and I am single. I have absolutely no romantic interest in him and I would be offended if his wife thought otherwise.

MikeUniformMike · 03/07/2020 21:38

Keep an eye on it.

Notapheasantplucker · 03/07/2020 21:56

It does sound innocent from what you've written, but keep your eyes peeled, op.

I assume he knew she would be there before he left, but didn't mention it until after he got home..... In case you got suspicious?

If they exchange texts every day, its very likely he knew damn well she'd be there.

FizzyGreenWater · 03/07/2020 22:37

Keep an eye on it.

I actually can't think of a time on here someone's instinct was proven wrong.

FizzyGreenWater · 03/07/2020 22:42

Actually...

They message each other at least once a day, usually more, but apparently he didn't know she would be in there in advance?

He did know she would be there. And for some reason, instead of saying 'Well Jane's going to be there, she told me the other day, so that'll be someone I know but no idea who else might be there' - he did some rathe staged-sounding 'muttering' about not knowing who would be there and then lo and behold-?

Actually I don't think I would fuck about with this one, I think I'd sit him down and say, '

I have a really funny feeling about you going into work. You said you didn't know who was going to be in there. You message Jane multiple times a day and she didn't tell you that she'd be in the next day even? Do you know, I simply don't believe that. And I think on the back of that, and looking at the amount of contact you and she have now your WFH, I think I'm going to look you straight in the eye and ask if this is a friendship that I should be asking you to cool off with?'

Original poster

rowrowrowyourcoat · 03/07/2020 22:57

FizzyGreenWater you’ve hit the nail on the head.
Another point is that his job role allows him to see who’s logged on to the company’s network and from where- he said no-one was logged on from that office. Granted she may not have been there at that point but...
I don’t know, there’s just something and I can’t put my finger on it.

Thanks all

OP posts:

JacobReesMogadishu · 03/07/2020 23:01

I have male work colleagues who I message most days. I’m currently working from home most of the time and if I did go into the office I wouldn’t tell them so they wouldn’t know beforehand. I don’t have to tell them/ask them and it wouldn’t cross my mind to mention it as it doesn’t affect them.

DramaAlpaca · 03/07/2020 23:08

I'm with @FizzyGreenWater, and would suggest a direct conversation as per the last paragraph of her post. He needs to know you've noticed. I'd be letting him know you are feeling uncomfortable about it and finding the level of contact too much. It might just be enough to make him stop and think and nip anything untoward in the bud.

FizzyGreenWater · 03/07/2020 23:16

I would nip it. Before it even is something. Because hopefully that look directly in the eye and that direct question would let him know that there is no grey area here, there is no fucking around. If he has decided for reasons he can't quite elaborate on that he pretended he didn't know she would be there, I'd have no hestiation in telling him that that was it, I was no longer happy with the friendship. End of.

Splitsunrise · 03/07/2020 23:21

If you’re not generally a paranoid or insecure person in relationships/with him and you have a gut feeling about this, I’d wager you’re probably right. Sorry.

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