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How do you have your own space during lockdown?

4 replies

FizzyPink · 01/07/2020 10:34

DP and I started living together at the beginning of lockdown (I moved into his flat). It was always the plan but lockdown meant it didn’t make sense for me to be paying rent on a flat I wasn’t living in so sped up me moving in by a few months.

In the last couple of months DP has gone back to work and as he’s self-employed he now has business coming out of his ears and is working 12-14 hour days 6 days a week. Prior to lockdown he worked 7 days a week but he’s decided he now wants to take sundays off for us to spend together.

The problem we have is that I’m working from home in the most utterly boring job which pays very well but gives me zero fulfilment. I am looking for a new role but obviously there aren’t many jobs about. I’m so bloody bored all day and want to chat and spend time with DP when he gets home.

Generally we’re really really happy and have a great relationship but he’s just sent me a long message saying how he’s feeling stifled and has zero time for himself anymore. He’s either at work or with me. He also feels uncomfortable with not doing anything for himself anymore. Because I have nothing to do from when I finish work at 5.30 to him getting home at 9/10 I tend to do all the chores and have dinner ready for him.

Im not really sure what the answer is. I think he just wants some time to chill and watch tv on his own when he gets in sometimes which is totally fine and I understand but I don’t want to feel like I have to shut myself in the bedroom so he can have his alone time.

Usually I have a very active social life and am out several times a week with friends/spend a lot of time at the gym but obviously at the moment there’s nowhere really for me to go out so I do spend 99% of my time at home. Any ideas how I can help him feel less suffocated?

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 01/07/2020 11:04

He's always going to feel like he has no time to himself if he's working 70-80 hours a week. Does he need to work those hours? Can he employ someone to help him, either with his actual work or scheduling, quoting, invoicing, sorting supplies etc?

As far as other things for you to do, can't you go for a run or a walk, meet with friends for a socially distanced chat, get the shopping in or whatever. Plus things like reading or binging on box sets or catching up with friends and relatives on zoom etc.

FizzyPink · 01/07/2020 11:19

He doesn’t need to work all those hours but it’s hard to turn down when he’s paid by the hour and we’re saving to buy somewhere next year. He’s a private sports coach so people are paying to be taught by him so it’s not really a situation where he can hire anyone to help him. There’s very little admin involved (apart from taxes), the vast majority of his time out of the house is spent teaching.

He’s just called me from work and explained it’s more to do with the fact that because he’s never lived with someone before, now spending so much time with someone else is new to him. He said he spends so much time worrying about me because he knows how unhappy I am being at home all the time and it’s exhausting when he gets no time for himself.

I think you’re right, I need to find some things to fill my time. I don’t really have any friends close by as we’re spread out all over London but there are plenty of other things I could be doing so I’m not just waiting for him to get home every evening.

OP posts:
ClaudiaWankleman · 01/07/2020 11:24

To find a balance will require some experimentation, and you will both need to understand that it might not feel right for a couple of weeks while you find it.

Can you go out for a run/ cycle/ scooter for the time he gets home, so he comes home to an empty house? I think coming home to an empty house would give some psychological feeling of having his own space, even if I’m reality you only left 5 minutes before.

FizzyPink · 01/07/2020 11:36

That’s an interesting idea to be out when he gets home. It’s usually almost dark when he gets home at the moment and we had someone try to break into our flat the other night so I’m not sure I’d feel particularly safe doing that but maybe I could be in the bath when he gets in so he can have half and hour of tv to himself and eat his dinner in peace

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