Wedding drama help!

[Imnotaslimjim]

I'm getting married in a few months, all being well with covid. Maid of honour has mentioned today that her partner is coming even though he hadn't been invited. We really don't want him there as he is abusive towards her and she wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy herself with him there. We did try telling her that a place/meal hasn't been booked for him and she's said it's fine but she needs him there to help with her DS. He's never attended previous family gatherings, and actively dislikes my wife to be! How do we tell her politely that we don't want him there! We need to be diplomatic as it's a very long standing friendship and it's us she turns to when he gets too much.

Can you use the covid excuse? It's a very real reason for a lot of couples at the moment to have to cut their numbers.

Due to covid, you've been forced to scale back your numbers and as a result her partner simply cant be accommodated as it would mean a closer friend or family member missing out.

It was v rude to not invite maid of honours OH especially if there is a kid to look after
I know covid changes every thing and is awesome excuse yo cut numbers so you need to cut him and their kid and blame it on the covid
An abusive man will need to be there or will give her hell

If numbers allowed are still low then that's the thing we're going for. But we're hoping everything will be relaxed in time for us to be able to have a full wedding (getting married at the end of the year) so need to tell her soon really.

If he's very abusive and isn't there she will have a shit storm to deal with when she goes home.
Can see why you wouldn't want him there though.

Honestly, could you not just have him there?

I understand it’s your wedding and your choice but you say he is abusive. Who do you think will get the brunt of his anger when he is told he can’t come? I’d be a good friend and invite him. There is also the risk that he won’t allow her to come if he doesn’t so I think you have to accept it’s probably both of them or none of them.

If he’s not there she will have it to dread all day and go home to him with extra worry that she’d be blamed for him being excluded, accused of all sorts.

I wouldn’t want him there either but excluding him may not actually be the best action for her.

I think it's extremely odd not to invite him regardless of your feelings. I know not everyone will agree, but you're inviting her, and he comes with her. Unless she wants otherwise - does she know the reason you weren't inviting him? Also how do you expect her to do her duties when she has a DS to look after? Could her partner stay home to look after DS? It's tricky, no doubt.

@nofuckingworriesmate I can totally see how it would be rude to not invite him but he's never come to any family occasion. She's always come alone with her DS and he hasn't had a problem with it. It does feel like he's invited himself and now we don't have a choice in it now as it will be worse for her. I just don't know what to do for the best.

I agree with others that whilst I wouldn't want him there either, I think you need to invite him.
There's a risk she might not go or that she will be punished for going without him. If he gets pissed off that he's not invited, it'll be her that suffers.
He'll probably know it's because she's talked to you and she might be punished for that too.

I'm going to have to let him come aren't I? Fuck

It sounds like he could be using this to pick a fight. Id call his bluff and make room for him.

That's what we're starting to think. He's never wanted to come to family parties before now. Obviously there is more to this. We're going to have a look at the table plan now.

What a moron. You sound like lovely friends.

You do sound like wonderful friends to her.

Oh that’s a shame. Due to numbers if he comes we will have to un invite someone. Who do you suggest? Maybe the bride, as they aren’t friends? Maybe the brides mother. As he’s so invested in coming, maybe he can tell the person you now have to un invite!!!! Se how that goes !
Seriously if he is abusive start looking at getting her help now. Talk to woman’s aid and see if they have any advice for concerned friends. You both need to relax at YOUR wedding

We have tried to help in the past. He seriously hurt her a few months ago and it took 3 days to convince her to go to hospital. She won't listen to recommendations of WA or the likes, she insists she fine unfortunately. All we can do is be here for her when she needs us until she sees that she's worth so much more.

I would tell her straight.

How about the safety of the child? Surely the child could be at risk from abuse?

There is NO FUCKING WAY someone who hurt my friend would be invited to my wedding. And I would tell him so myself. Sometimes we have to draw a line, whatever the fallout.

Yes you have to let him come.
It's not very supportive of her to not invite him if she wants him there.

We've had a chat and decided to invite him. I think it would be best for her.

I don't think their DS is in any danger, he's never been abusive towards him or in front of him as far as I know. I know that doesn't mean he isn't but there isn't much I can do about it.

Why are weddings so difficult? I'm very tempted to fuck off to Gretna Green right now.

How old is her DS?

If he has hurt her badly enough that she needed hospital, I'm amazed there isn't SS involvement. Is her son in any kind of setting? Nursery or school?
Because witnessing DA counts as child abuse

SS are involved, though I don't know to what extent. And she has a key worker, I know they've been in touch quite a bit during lockdown.