Been married 15 years, together for 18 and a half. 4 DC , 2 from before. 6 in total.
I've posted under different names about DH before. I'm a sahm which kind of happened a little through necessity ( had bad experience with a cm who we think hurt our baby 16 years ago) and choice. I wanted to go back to work several times over the years but dh was building a business and made it impossible for me to do. Not supporting with sharing childcare etc. It was an issue and I tried to address it lots of times.
He's been financially controlling. He gives me housekeeping each month and he pays for everything. I have some pocket money coming in through a small home business but it isn't regular or much. It's coffee money. DH doesn't even know that I have a credit card for emergencies. He'd go mad if he knew.
He's not abusive but he's been cold and isn't a openly loving kind of person although I know he loves me in his own way.
He works long, long hours all week. He doesn't talk to us much, doesn't interact with our amazing teens and doesn't seem to like us much a lot of the time. I've tried to talk to him but he says the teens are disrespectful and I let them get away with murder. I absolutely don't but I do pick my battles. I have brought them up single handedly for the past 15 years whilst he worked. I get that I'm lucky to be at home with them but it's a gilded cage and I've completely lost myself. He told me that the parson he gets on best with is our eldest son ( not his bio child, he's 22). All DC are at home right now with lockdown. Eldest is 25.
We haven't had sex for over a year. We had sex twice on holiday last year. Before that it was 2 years. I'm 50. So is he. I've tried to talk about it over and over, I've bought lingerie, told him I wasn't happy, tried to tell him that I don't want to live like this and that this can't work forever. He never listened. He said he wasn't interested in sex with me or anyone else. He didn't want to see or speak to a counsellor. After many months I stopped trying after getting fed up of being rejected. I should have left him. I didn't. The older kids went through the mill with their bio father, I couldn't face it again. I've been married 3 times, I couldn't face that again. One of our DC is autistic, I couldn't put them through that. I stayed. I'm not brave.
At the beginning of this year I took back control of my life. I've lost 2 stone out of the 3 I needed to lose so far. I've made some new friends through groups and I've started fitness. I've started standing up to dh and become less bothered about what happens if I speak up. The kids think I've lost the plot.
So suddenly dh decided last week that we need to sort out our marriage and now he fancies me, and wants to fix our marriage. Wants to be physical and wants to talk about it. He's apologised for his behaviour over the years. All great you might think. Happy days.
Except I'm not feeling it now. I'm beyond angry that just because he's decided yet again that now he wants to do something about it we have to do something. I don't want to and can't suddenly feel like having sex with him. He's said I need to tell him whether I want to fix things.
I don't know if I do now. It feels like it's too late. He says he'll understand if that's the case but I feel like he's putting it on me now whether to save our marriage or break it up. I'm so conflicted. I feel that the kids would be devastated if I break up the family and I know he'll be completely devastated too and I feel selfish for feeling like this. Like I should try to fix it.
I feel under pressure from DH to fix it all. He's said he'll do anything to make it right.
I've been through so much shit in my life I don't know if I can do it all again at my age but I can't just happily go back to 10 years ago. I'd kind of just accepted the sexless marriage. I could leave when the kids are older. Now I've been sent into a tailspin.
It would be great to hear from people maybe who could cast fresh eyes or tell me they've done it, left a long term marriage and it's been ok.