Need help making positive changes - warning, long!

[DukeOfEarlGrey]

Am hoping to harness the collective wisdom of mumsnet. I’m turning 40 in three months’ time and really need to make some positive changes. I was trying to do it by myself but then COVID/lockdown happened and I’m finding it tough as I live alone and am finding the effects on my mental health pretty corrosive over time. I’m hoping for some good, practical advice and am open to listening but would appreciate kindness as I feel pretty overwhelmed at the moment.

Basically, I feel very lonely and flat. I had a rocky time in my 20s (difficult family background, severe eating disorder) and spent my early 30s caring for ill family. Nothing hugely out of the ordinary and certainly no worse than others’ problems, but it meant that by about age 32 I had no job, no career to speak of despite good academic qualifications and a very low self-esteem. I couldn’t afford rent anymore so had to move back home with my mum, and whilst she was lovely to put me up I couldn’t really grow as an adult and eventually my self-esteem was on the floor.

A few life events meant I hit a real low about age 32 that made me take a long hard look at myself and pull myself up by the boot straps. I worked incredibly hard in temp jobs and eventually managed to save enough money to buy a little flat with an old friend who had also recently split from her boyfriend, meaning I could finally move out of my mum’s house. I self-funded a part-time degree that I did over two years whilst working that enabled me to make a career change in a more stable direction and I found employment. Having a ‘proper’ job seems to suit me and I’ve since been promoted three times. My flat mate moved in with her new boyfriend a few years ago and I was able to buy her out so now own my own little home.

However, my long-term relationship (of 10 years) clearly wasn’t working and I ended it in my early 30s - it was the right thing to do but excruciatingly painful and took a very long time to recover from. I only really feel like I’m properly over it now. Bar a few flings and a brief reconciliation with my ex I’ve been single ever since whilst watching all my friends get married.

Fast forward to 40 and I’m still single. My job is proving to be incredibly draining - partly because it’s demanding in its own right and partly because it’s a very competitive environment and I’ve encountered a lot of hostility because of the promotions. Although the hostility comes from a very small number of people it makes me feel really isolated and low on a regular basis. There’s absolutely no point trying to tackle via HR or anything like that because the main perpetrator is subtle about how she does it and is untouchable because of friends in high places. It’s a case of live with it or leave what should be a fantastic job with good pay and long-term career potential.

But I’m exhausted and very lonely. I work around the clock and at weekends and my friends and family pretty much gave up on seeing me a long time ago. I used to have lots of interests and a great sense of fun but now I feel flat and inhibited all the time. I’m also about 2 stone overweight and though that’s not a huge amount on my frame (my BMI is probably about 27) I feel unattractive, tired and unfit. Lockdown is making it much worse because I’m so sedentary but I’m scared of taking any tough measures because of my eating disorder history. I’m still too dependent on my mum for emotional support and have no partner of my own. My confidence with men has all but disappeared and I’m frankly terrified of dating, but even if I had the courage I don’t have the energy and my empty life makes me feel like I don’t have much to offer a partner anyway. I’m sad because turning 40 and being so single makes me feel like I’ll never have a family of my own now and I’ve finally realised that that’s what I want - but I absolutely don’t want children on my own, having the right partner is what really matters to me but I’d love to meet someone and have a child if it felt right and am sad that I didn’t feel ready to try sooner. Mostly what I want is a peaceful and loving home. I feel like I have always let other people’s needs (my family, my employer) outweigh mine and now I’m paying the cost for not being assertive enough.

Can anyone help with ideas to start tackling some of this and turn things around? I can’t bear the idea of just giving up as I enter my 40s. I realise that plenty of people would kill for their own home, a stable job and good health but somehow can’t get myself out of the fog of feeling overworked, lonely and disliked (at work). I’d really appreciate any advice or optimistic views to help me see things from a different perspective and make positive changes.

Sorry for the long message - I wanted to give all the details upfront. I have a very intense work day ahead but will check in again this evening and am grateful for any replies!

Didn't want to read and run. 40 is a milestone and you will always reassess your life when you reach a milestone. Its more to dwell on when you are stuck indoors on this Covid lockdown and is making a lot of people feel the loneliness more. There's not a lot you can do at the moment and I won't suggest OLD as its not good for the fragile amongst us, however, you do have your mum and she seems like a good person to confide in, in these times. I would normally suggest you go on an escorted group holiday as a single traveller as these are great fun and there are always single people like you on them. Hobbies always bring people together, and don't always have Getting A Man as a prime target, as this won't work. However you may meet someone who has a single brother looking for a partner too. See what I'm getting at?
Life is rarely how you imagine it's going to be. I hope someone on here comes along with something else for you

I would suggest you thick about changing jobs. Perhaps speak to an agency to chat it over. Feeling miserable at work every day is very wearing.

In terms of exercise, how about couch to 5k? It's great for a beginner and it's a plan to follow so less opportunity to do too much as you follow their guidance of three times a week on non consecutive days.

Yoga could also be good.

Do you have hobbies? I like crochet and cooking, both help me to switch off and focus.

Food wise, can you focus on eating more veg? So no restrictions but just more variety? Dr Chatterjee has an eat the rainbow chart for veg and possibly one for 30 vegetables in a week- not saying you do this straight away but perhaps a new one a week?

Read this book: how to do everything and be happy by peter jones.

You need a better idea of what you want your life to look like, and then you can plan how to get it there. But you need to invest time in planning, and you need to be able to prioritise.

Thanks so much for the ideas so far - I will reply properly later but can see there are already some positive suggestions here! Would appreciate any more that anyone can offer

OP, I want to give you a hug. And yes! You can turn this around! You seem to have identified the problems and expressed it all very clearly.

Can I clarify what the main points are that you might want to change so you can make an action plan around them. Is this about right?

1. Lonely (due to work)
2. Exhausted (work)
3. Unfit
4. A general lowness/despondency (work)

Just wanted to say well done OP, because from your post you sound like you have overcome various really difficult circumstances in your life and worked extremely hard, supported other people greatly and generally been brilliant.

As for making improvements... I know it might seem extreme and/or unfeasible but I would also at least consider the possibility of changing your job, because it seems from the outside that that is one of the biggest sources of stress. It causes exhaustion and is emotionally draining because of the unpleasant colleagues, also contributes to your loneliness as you are too tired to spend time with friends and family and also isolated at work. Changing jobs could in theory free up mental space and energy, reduce tiredness, provide you with some low key positive social interaction (and possibly more; real friendships can grow from work friendships) and also free up time for you to see other friends. Would it be a possibility to explore that?

Being unfit... I guess I would try some very slow-starting exercise plan, even just starting with daily stretching or similar and focus on that rather than diet like you said because of your history. I can be an all or nothing person with diet and exercise but my DH has encouraged me to have the mindset that anything is better than nothing (which is absolutely true) so even if you do a little it can help your mood to feel that you are doing fine something as well as helping your health.

Being lonely... can you make use of the lockdown to try to engage with friends and family a bit more on WhatsApp or whatever? Are you near enough that you could see them when things open up more? Is there anyone irl that you can talk to about this? Sometimes seeing friends can seem more effort than it's worth when you're tired and low but it's also something that is worth investing time in (if you do have any good friends, who aren't more of a drain).

Being low... try try try to think about small things that make you happy and make time for them. Movie with popcorn? New pair of socks? Manicure? Can you think of a small treat or just a positive thing to look forward to at the end of each day after work?

I really hope you can pull this around. I'm not very good at MN but please let us know how you do and I will try to remember to check on. You sound lovely. I hope you can be happy again soon

I also didn't want to read and run and I think you've had some kind and helpful responses so far.

What I can add is that I am in a similar position myself: I am just about to turn 40 and, objectively, I'm doing "OK". Subjectively, I feel quite stuck and unfulfilled in many respects. I'm demotivated to even start making positive changes that I think might help me feel like I am moving forwards. I say this not to hijack your thread, but to share that perhaps this isn't an unusual experience.

Some of the PPs have made a very valid point - perhaps the place to start is to try to work out how you want life to look and then break down what steps you need to take to get there? It's easier, I think, in this headspace, to focus on what's wrong and needs to change, rather than perhaps how you want it to turn out.

Re your work, the best thing I ever did was to stop working full-time. I don't have children or any other caring commitments at the moment but felt it was the right thing for me. People find it odd I think; choosing to work part-time seems to be treated with suspicion when you have no (socially sanctioned) 'reason' for it. For me, it means I have some breathing space in the week that I can use to do what I please, even if that is absolutely nothing! I don't know what your financial position is and if working less hours would be possible in your role, but this is something that might really help you flip the work / life balance back in a better direction and help work (and the impact of your mean girls colleague's behaviour) feel less significant.

I'll be watching this thread with interest for some ideas...

Thank you all so much for the lovely replies so far. Reading my own post back makes me realise how much I’ve been keeping bottled up inside and it feels like a massive relief to have written some of it down, tbh.

@ChristmasCalamity your post is lovely and really lifted me up - thank you. You’re right that the things you list are the main issues and make it pretty clear that work is the common denominator. I’d also add being single/feeling like I don’t deserve a partner to the list but think the things you’ve listed come first and prevent me from feeling any better about that. Bizarrely it would never occur to me to plan something nice at the end of each day - I just collapse after work - but I love the idea and am going to make a list of ideas. And I do have good friends - one of the effects of feeling low/despondent has been that I never feel like contacting them but I know I should try harder. I feel the gulf between their (married, parenting) lives and mine very acutely though and although I’m sure none of them judge me for it I’d really like some new friendships too. This feels hard to achieve at the moment but I hope I can build up to it.

And I think I can look into changing jobs, yes - I’m very torn because I’ve worked so hard to get where I am and am terrified of going back to having no money as I never expected to be someone who is well paid. But I realise my mental health is priceless and reading the replies here makes it clear that the work issues stand out as the major thing. I think I’d just lost sight of it as it’s happened over time. I’m also scared that work has become so all-consuming that if I left - I often fantasise about quitting - I’ll have no identity anymore because everything else has been neglected.

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale and @DreamingofSunshine - thank you for the practical ideas. It’s really helpful to see what stands out from my post to others and hear suggestions as it helps me get out of my own (lockdown) head. I’ve downloaded a Coach to 5k plan and ordered the Peter Jones book.

@ChotaPeg thank you - and sorry to hear you can relate to this. I don’t think I can work part time (as realistically my job is so demanding that I’d end up working full time but for less pay!) but I have been thinking about asking for an unpaid sabbatical which I think I might be able to do for maybe 3 months. My reservation is whether that would really constitute change or even free up my headspace as I know I would be worried about going back to work when it ended. My company has also been making redundancies because of COVID and whilst I’m lucky enough not to have been at risk it doesn’t feel like a very sensible time to step out - though it’s very tempting and I wonder if it could give me enough of a break to get some perspective.

Bumping this in case anyone has any more ideas to share!