My 2 year old is sleeping, I'm nibbling my M&Ms and thinking,.. candlelight which should be calming not helping and thoughts are racing.
All this lockdown I think is making all of us review our priorities and consider what we value in life.
So I'm 34 years old. I was always working hard towards higher management position, was career focused. Especially as being foreigner it was damn hard. And finally achieved my goal. As well met a lovely man; pregnancy; and a little bubba who is nearly two now. Happy with my salary (it's not millions but just comfy), can't complain much about work. However I do work 48 hours or more. It is not 24/7 but need to be reachable and guide my team through, I've noticed my phone is always next to me if not at work. At the moment I'm on furlough but soon I'll be heading back to work. However now I'm doubting if I want to go back to work. I love being with my child and being there for him. My god it's just so rewarding and blissful. It kills me not to see him as much as I do now. No childminders no rush, no commuting for hours, no driving ourselves mad who's going to work, who calls in sick, who takes a day off, who picks little one up and so on as you know my lovelies. (Me and my husband both share whatever comes upon, at least we try, but still its hectic, no relatives live nearby). Our salaries are similar more or less.
I would love to have a pet, dog, cat.. go for long walks, visit places.... most importantly I do want to have a second child. It worries my once stuck at work it'll never be a right time.
And be SAHM. Okay, maybe do part time hours in a different work field. At the moment because of us both working full time I can only dream about a lot of stuff.
But then I'm thinking - no chance to get a mortgage, leave all financial struggles on my husband's shoulders. It would be enough to pay rent, buy food and essentials. Slightly tight but simple budget life. I do understand, like millions other people do.
Am I really living or just existing? Am I trying too hard ?
What do I sacrifice?
Am I taking everything too sensitive? Do I need to relax and just "flow"?
Worried that this job opportunity wont be there when I'm ready .. I know how hard and how employees look once coming back after "a gap".
As well it makes me feel selfish? - coronavirus has taken millions of jobs and jobs won't come back easy.
Am I overthinking?
Any other ladies can relate ? Is it lockdown affecting us? Or maybe I'm becoming too insecure, or too relaxed as it slowed us down?
Any other mums considering or taking absolutely different decisions than pre lockdown ? I know no one knows which way is right but is it our chance to rethink everything?