Dealing with my gran’s increasing dependancy

[toobloodytiredforthis]

She’s now mid 80s, so I suppose it’s expected . I’m her eldest grandchild ... she’s ringing me up to 4 times a day, every day - I know she’s doing same to many other relatives too . She has a huge, huge family and many friends who phone and try to visit all the time .

She’s not confused as such, just says she’s lonely and frustrated . I try to visit her every two or three days, we’ve given up on social distancing as she gets angry if we try ...

I’ve been over as often as I can (just me) but as soon as I leave she’s on the phone again saying she’s lonely, we never talk to her, etc . I know that’s not true (that no one talks to her) .

She has an endless list of things she needs doing and worries about everything, needs everything to be perfect which isn’t always possible just now .

If I don’t answer the phone immediately she rings repeatedly until I do . Last night rang my phone,
iPad, landline, until I answered - I was on the loo . When I did answer she said she was incredibly worried why I hadn’t answered straight away .

She made me promise when I was 22 or so that if she got confused I’d ensure she was put in a home and left to it (in her words) . I don’t think that’s what’s happening but I’m starting to worry . Her mother died of vascular dementia at same age, so did her father ... and their parents too . She’s not disorientated, just so dependant suddenly and covid seems to have made it come on much faster .

She’s also talking a great deal about dying, telling me she’s divided her possesions up and started packing things away .

I’m already a carer for two other relatives, I’m 30, and I’m working, studying as well and want my own family, etc . I’m not able to cope with taking on a role of being her carer too . I feel that as much as I love my granny to bits and would always want to help her, certain things are for her (8) children to deal with, and not me .

She won’t talk to other family about things (huge family) and would be hurt if I did . She won’t accept help from any other source . She’d be so angry if I tried . Resistant to eg an alarm button etc . I’m genuinely not sure what to do for the best; just keep doing as I’m doing just now?

I’m not sleeping as I’m so concerned I’m going to find she’s fallen down one day or something, and I’m struggling to keep afloat of everyone’s appointments and needs .

That makes me sound a horrible person - if I could I’d move in with her if I knew it would settle her, I’m just so overwhelmed and not sure how to help . Seeing same things that happened with my great grandmother when she started becoming unwell, and it’s hugely worrying .

I think you need to speak with both her and other family members about this. Gently but firmly. I haven't been in this scenario myself but it sounds incredibly wearing.
Could you agree to only answer calls between say 6-7? Or only calls if its an emergency?

Perhaps you need to hold a family a 'intervention' (is that the right term?) even if it's on zoom. You sound a lovely granddaughter but there is a limit to what you can take on. I feel very sorry for granny but this needs to get sorted as much for her sake as yours. Good luck

I’ll give it a go; the trouble is that she sees this as being normal and OK . She comes from a very conservative background where women are primarily homemakers and wives first, it would be for the daughters to do stuff and men to go out working . Normal to have lots of responsibilities and caring for relatives etc .. But the difference is , I’m thirty . I have no social life because my life is spent helping others - I haven’t got friends now . She does - dozens of them and a lovely big family ....

I am just absolutely exhausted and whilst I am happy to chat once a day or so, I can’t do more than that and realistically, as things start to open up again it might need to be less than that even . It would help if she’s just ask if I’m OK, but she says I’m a very strong person and I can cope with everything . I can’t . I’ve had two big breakdowns since I was 16 and still recovering from the second, I can’t cope with it all .

We went through similar with my mum, she was very lonely but me and DB rang her daily, she forgot and used to say she had not heard from anyone for ages even after we had just rung her. It got very upsetting but was the start of dementia, my Advice would be to try to have a whole family conversation to set out some plan for things going forward so that you all know what is going on, make a plan for who will do what and when so that if she says no one has been in touch you know its not true if everyone has a time or task that they stick to you can all share the caring. Would she accept help from a daily carer ora befriending service? Are there neighbours who know her or friends willing to pop in for ten minutes every day or two? Its very hard i do understand but if you can get people to share the responsibility and coordinate it, it makes it easier than everyone struggling on thinking they are the only one doing anything when actually a few of you are all doing something.

Sorry i did read it but see that you said she won't accept help from any where else so a ‘ secret’ plan to get everyone involvedhasto be your way forward, be honest with the family that you are unable to take on full responsibility.

If she’s ringing that much, sorry, but it it does sound like the start of dementia. She just won’t remember that she phoned not long ago. Worrying a lot about all sorts of things is also typical.

Ditto saying that they haven’t seen or spoken to anyone for X time, when you know for certain that they have. They’re not pretending - they simply can’t remember.

My mother once told me that she hadn’t seen my brother for weeks - ‘He never comes near!’ - when I’d met him just getting in his car to leave as I got out of mine! But she honestly believed it - her short term memory was practically zero by then.

People with dementia can no longer understand that they’re making excessive demands. I know it’s very hard but you may well need to get tough about having outside help in. And try not to feel guilty about it - far easier said than done, I know.

The Alzheimer’s Society Talking Point forum for carers of people with dementia is a very helpful lifeline for many people - it certainly was for me.

If she can't remember you coming it isn't a good sign.

Tell her children to sort it out as you will be visiting once a week/fortnight only, same with your other caring responsibilites. When she phones tell her you are at work/out and if it is urgent to phone her children instead.

Your gran didn't want you to be burdened like this, respect that and live your life before you have irreversible regrets.