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DS and friendship issues

10 replies

frustrationcentral · 28/06/2020 06:56

NC for this

My 11 year old (yr 6) DS is having problems with his friends - only friends. He's had the same group since pre school. They've always had their issues on and off, like a lot of children, but usually it's sorted quickly. Generally they're a lovely bunch of boys.

He's been having these problems for the last month or so, most obviously marked by all of his friends being back at school together - DS isn't.

It's all silly stuff, but when it's constant and "them against him" it's becoming pretty distressing to DS.

Examples include them ignoring him, arranging to meet up and he gets there and they've gone somewhere else, running away from him then hiding, muting him on the Xbox so he can see they're all talking yet he can't hear them etc. As I say, silly stuff.

Friday, they arranged to meet up and again another upset resulting in another fall out. DS came home upset but wanted to bury the hatchet so sent out a message saying that if anyone fancied going out over the weekend then he'd be up for it. Roll on yesterday, no messages so DS headed out on his own but first messaged to say where he was going if anyone fancied meeting him there - he was happy going alone though.

He got there and his phone rings. It's one of the boys, they're all out together. I don't know what was said but they told DS where they were and encouraged him to find them, they then moved from location to location so DS spent ages looking. I walked down to where he was to see what was going on, and heard the phone calls from the boys. Eventually they were found.

I decided enough was enough. They should have just left him alone yesterday. They don't have to invite DS out, but don't rub his face in it then humiliate him by making him find them. So I messaged the mums to let them know what was going on, I'm very much of the opinion that I will always stick up for my children but I don't always believe what they say is true, so I wanted the whole picture.

One mum was mortified and very embarrassed. She wished I'd said something earlier. I hadn't as I would have rather DS dealt with it but he wasn't and was getting more and more upset.

The other mum spoke to her child who told her a very elaborate story basically justifying everything they've done. The story sounds odd, incredibly unlike DS, but I'm not there so I can't really be certain. However what she said doesn't really stack up and something sounds odd.

DS is now devastated, he just doesn't see a way out of all this. He's already struggling with the isolation of being off school and the stress of moving up to secondary school. We're trying to reassure him that he'll find more new friends next term, but he wants these ones Sad

I just feel gutted for him. He has mild SEN, which doesn't cause huge social skill issues but he isn't great at dealing with things if he isn't face to face with someone ( so over text message). This has been really knocking his confidence over the last few weeks, I don't see how it's going to change.

OP posts:
weekfour · 28/06/2020 09:11

Poor lad. It's horrible behaviour from the boys and I think you have dealt with it admirably so far.

I think lockdown is exacerbating the issue. My daughter is at school but in a group that doesn't include her usual gang and she's feeling awkward and unsure of herself too. There's just so much uncertainty in the world that they struggle.

I don't think you can do much different really. He will find a new group in September and I think you're right to keep reminding him of that. And for the time being, make sure he knows that it's wrong of them to have him chasing about looking for them. That is bullying.

underneaththeash · 28/06/2020 09:14

Why isn't he back at school? His friends are bound to get closer if they're meeting up every day and he isn't seeing them as much.

Stompythedinosaur · 28/06/2020 09:20

Bunch of bullying dickheads.

I would mention it to the school. I agree that he will have the chance to find new friends in September.

underneath it sounds like you are saying what these kids have done to the op's ds is explained by him not going back to school - surely you don't think it's the victim's fault?

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DeborahAnnabelToo · 28/06/2020 09:22

That doesn't sound like "silly stuff" to me, it sounds like persistent bullying and must be so distressing for your ds. Are you downplaying it with him too?

Bouledeneige · 28/06/2020 09:27

It's not silly stuff it's bullying. The same thing happened to my DS and I went into school (without him knowing) and his head of house found out what was going on and we sorted it. I spoke to a few of the mothers after one incident and a couple were really nice - one was in complete denial and said boys will be boys.

It's clear though that not bring in school is creating the divide. Why can't your DS be there too? Is he shielding?

SpeedofaSloth · 28/06/2020 09:28

Is he going to the same secondary, or will it be a new start for him?

frustrationcentral · 28/06/2020 10:23

Thanks all, I've had a shocking night sleep and really needed to write it down. I'll try and answer some of the questions ..

DS isn't back to school as there was no room. Only children who's parents really needed them back for work purposes were taken back and unfortunately I don't work so DS missed out. I would have loved for him to go back, he really needs it.

Yes, they're all going to the same school in September.

"Silly things" - yeah I know that sounds wrong, I think what I meant was as individual incidences (apart from yesterday) they could all be perceived as just one of those things - so the not being where they're meant to be to meet could just have been a mix up. However added all together it's just awful. This is the only contact DS has with his friends, negative and stressful Sad

We definitely don't play it down with DS, I've made it very clear to him that he deserves better than this. We've tried to help by giving him things to say if they've upset him etc. I'm absolutely furious with them, I just don't know what to do about it. It's heartbreaking, DS has no other friends, he's always focussed all of his energy on this one group and now I really wish I'd discouraged that

OP posts:
frustrationcentral · 28/06/2020 11:10

I've just reread the comments and @Bouledeneige I read yours, I don't understand how any parent could downplay it! I'd be devastated if I was told something my children were doing was having this effect on another child Sad.

One of the mums feels horrendous, she's been through similar with her eldest so can't believe his little brother would treat a friend like this having seen the effect it had on his big brother. She's determined to get to the bottom of it

The other mum is playing it cooler, playing down what's happening but also then justifying the milder version of events. She feels upset for DS, but is going down the "it's his fault " route. So I've been reasonably blunt with her that I've seen the evidence otherwise ( I check DS's phone daily) so I'm struggling to see it from her perception.

I don't want to fall out with either mum, we've known each other for a long time, but this can't carry on

OP posts:
Bouledeneige · 28/06/2020 11:22

The unhelpful Mum said ‘boys will be boys’ and thought it harmless. He was left out of everything for a whole year and when he spoke at school they pretended they couldn’t hear him. It came to a head when they came round and rang on the door and ran away! I chased them. (This is very outing!).

But it was the teacher at school who got my DSs confidence and found out what had been happening. And he called it - it’s bullying. He got the boys together and asked them how they would feel in his shoes. It stopped - and also because the nice Mums spoke to their sons.

My DS never knew I’d gone into school and involved them - my older DD also discussed it with the teacher who was head of house.

A few years later my DS got a scholarship to go to a new 6th form and has had a great social life. He now thinks they are all quite creepy and refers to them as the virgins! He’s 18 next week by the way so that’s not so bad!

But bullying is bullying. Even if it’s not directly aggressive.

frustrationcentral · 29/06/2020 10:52

Thanks @Bouledeneige , I think if it continues then I'll go to school, I'm hoping it won't come to that though. DS hasn't heard from the boys since (one of the 3 text to say "Soz" just after I text his mum) but nothing from the other 2. I haven't heard anything more from the parents either

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